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  1. #1
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    Talking This is a funny story! Honest. Long

    They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    _________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 1 MIKE'SMANIACMOBSTERMONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
    ______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    ______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****ed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Screw those rednecks!
    _______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *ss with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________
    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



  2. #2
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    Talking

    That story is one of my all-time favorites. I first saw it a few months ago on another forum, printed it out and took it to work. Everybody got a kick out of it; one young lady laughed so hard she was crying and nearly wet her pants!

    There is actually another paragraph to end the story. Here it is:

    __________________________________________________________
    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
    FRANK:-------editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report




    Swede

  3. #3
    Goddess
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    One of the pieces of humor ever posted on DR1. Kinda reminds me of myself.

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