I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (the best one)

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot. some parts are missing.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

How can I be overdrawn? I still have cheques!

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I'm just driving this way to **** you off.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his bus.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

Very funny, Scottie. Now beam down my clothes.


Saw a guy riding a Harley today. T-shirt read...

If you can READ this the BITCH fell off