1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. [Eww!]
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...especially since we just elected so many!
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
19. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. [Eww!]
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...especially since we just elected so many!
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
19. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
