Should I marry her ?

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sarroj

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Dec 9, 2002
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Ok, I know this isn't Dear Abby, but I could really use the insight of those more experienced than me. Here's the short version: Been going to POP for about a year now. Starting seeing seeing this girl. We started as friends, now it's become more. There is about 15 years difference between us. We're getting closer fast, and my thoughts are leaning towards something more permanent. Her are some facts: I know she's never done anything her family would look down on her for. She's comes from one of the barrios in POP. She's introduced to family (which I have gotten quite close to) and friends. She seems like a great woman, and I am very happy being her. Here's the problem: She come from a very poor background, and I know how some girls will marry a gringo soley for the purpose of getting out. I don't get that feeling from her at all, but it's still in the back of my mind. Am I selling her short and letting my own paranoia get the best of me, or should I drop this before I get in any deeper ? Anybody have any thoughts/ experiences/nightmares/ success stories on this ? Thanks !
 

Ken

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Another first time poster with a love problem?

This subject has been discussed at great length in the past. Scroll down the past threads in this section, "Men from mars and women from venus" and you will find more input than you can use. After digesting it, make your decision. Nobody can make the decision for you.

But first read all those past threads. Everything than anyone has to say on this subject will be found there.
 

jose?to

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Jun 19, 2002
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Sarroj,

DO NOT do it, dude. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you marry this woman. Not now, not here, not ever.
Chances are there's a "chulo" lurking in the shadows. And even if there isn't one right now, it is just a matter of time.

Here is a typical scenario:

You're in the states, and you call your woman, but she's not there, she "went to the store". Call back, "oh, she came from the store, but now she at her aunt's house, call her in one hour". Call back, "she waited for you, but she had to go to La Capital to get a 'papel de buena conducta' (as if you did not know that she could get one in POP), but she should be back tomorrow".

So you wonder, and decide that a cell phone will solve the communication problems. "Oh, mi amor, la bater?a del celular se descalg?" (dead battery excuse, and can't recharge it because "se fu? la luz). Man, I could write a book tittled, "Your woman might have a 'chulo' if...", but it's been done before.

Caveat emptor, amigo.

You may call me a cynic now, but remember my cynicism when it happens, because it will happen.
 

AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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Joselito (my man) is right on the money. Listen to him now and save yourself future headaches.
I know Puerto plata very well because I have lived there for a few years. Almost all the gringos find girls like you have. These girls have no class and zero education. You will soon realize that you will be supporting her whole family for the rest of your life. They will always have money problems ex: some one is sick, mom needs a surgery, sister fell of a pasola and fractured her head, need this and that. Remember all her problems will be money related. She will never understand your western way of thinking and you 2 will never ride the same wavelength, ever. She will have no financial planning and the money you will send her will be spent in a heart beat. This alone will boil your blood to the max. There is no tomorrow only present and that is important to them. You will serve as a perfect Pendejo while her chulo will enjoy the fruits of your labour.
Some times you have to take sex for only what its worth (cheap sex). Have fun and get your head straight.
Good luck.
(P.S. I am only talking about puerto plata here. They are not real dominicans nor represent any decent class of dominicans anywhere. If you like to meet the real dominican girl (worthy of marriage) come to santiago or simply get away from the north coast (touristy towns). Then again, why is it all you gringos want to get married to whom-ever? Have fun like Jazzcom and ILOVEDR and come back for more action.)
 
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ricktoronto

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Jan 9, 2002
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Nope.

sarroj said:
Am I selling her short and letting my own paranoia get the best of me, or should I drop this before I get in any deeper ?


No and yes in that order.

You don't have to drop her but marriage, you have been advised correctly. And limit the cash flow via Western Union to her if you are doing that now and I suspect like a lot of guys in this situation, you are - +/- $300 US a month is my guess.
 

sarroj

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Thanks everyone for the comments. Jeez ! It looks like I stepped into something big & smelly here !! The arguments you guys left here are very worthy, and having been to the DR many many times, I know they all have merit (alot of which, I was aware of to one degree or another). But based on all the stuff said here, I actually have a better feeling about her now. This whole thing started around March of this year, and although she has asked for money (not alot) in the the beginning, I quickly saw the direction it was going in, so after a few times of that nonsense, I simply started saying " Lo siento querida, no tengo mas.", and she simply rolled with it - there was no change in her attitude whatsoever. When I come down, I do give her a little spending money, but very little - 500 here, 500 there (pesos, not dollars), and she gladly accepts it but doesn't ask for more. She's also 1 semester away from her nursing degree (or certificate ?), which I know to to be true, and does work when she can. For a long time she was working in the local clinica (again, I know that to be true, because I called her there many times), but she got laid off. I think I may have found a good one (or at least better !). If I do decide to jump in, I would help HER get HERSELF in a position to help support herself & her family (I sure as hell ain't supporting her family). If she's reseptive to that idea, maybe that might give me a better indication of where she's at. At any rate, I'm going VERY slow with this, so time will tell ..... Thanks again for all the input - it was a real help.
 

MommC

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One way or another you WILL end up helping support her family.
I have yet to meet a Dominican who doesn't help their family every way they can, anyway they can. The major complaint I have heard from Dominicans living in the US or Canada is how they have a hard time getting ahead because of the money that they either send home every month or spend on the family when they visit home once a year.
Met the brother of a friend last year who lives with his family (wife and 2 kids) in the States who is trying to build a house in Boca Chica. He brought $10,000US down to start construction and by the time he'd "loaned" everyone 500-2000 pesos that they needed for medicine, food, part for their pasola etc.etc.etc.
he only spent $2500US on actually construction materials
 

sarroj

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Oh, I don't mind ~helping~. I mean, after all, if I marry her (at some point way down the road), the assumption would be that I love her, and would want to help. But, I would not be the primary supporter - that's what I would have a problem with. If I see any other path than that, things would have to change immediately. We'll see ................:ermm:
 

Bugsey34

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sarroj said:
I actually have a better feeling about her now. This whole thing started around March of this year, and although she has asked for money (not alot) in the the beginning, I quickly saw the direction it was going in, so after a few times of that nonsense, I simply started saying " Lo siento querida, no tengo mas.", and she simply rolled with it - there was no change in her attitude whatsoever.

Y'all can we just establish once and for all - when someone you are in a relationship asks you for money, that is NOT normal.

Of course she just "rolled with it", she figures, well, he's saying he doesn't have anything to give me right now, but he will eventually.

Don't treat anyone differently because they're Dominican - if an American asked you for cash and you had the inkling she was going to be relying on you to support her family, what would you do with that relationship?

:rolleyes: I give up.
 

bob saunders

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If you have to ask "should i marry her' you are: not ready to get married to anyone or not sure of your commitment. I don't regret marrying my Dominicana, but she also didn't ask for money, still doesn't. but then again she had her own. I think you should continue the relationship and see if it grows before formalising it into married status. Good luck.
 

Ken

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It is no longer clear to me, sarroj, why you asked this board for help. Originally I assumed it was because many of us on the board have considerably more experience with life in the DR than you do, but now that you have rejected, for one reason or another, all the advice you have been given, is there any reason to continue this thread.

If you read the archives as I suggested, you would have learned that:

1. Dominican girls don't like to be separated from their families. Chris Colon solved this problem by establishing a life and career here, many many others insisted on returning to their own country to live. If you do that, you can expect at a minimum to be paying for almost daily phone calls and at least one trip back to the DR each year.

2. One incentive for a Dominican girl to establish a relationship with a man 15 years her senior is because she sees him as a potential meal ticket for the family. You say now that you will do a little but not a lot; what happens when the tears start to flow and the support of her family becomes an issue between you?

3. Another incentive for a Dominican girl to establish a relationship with a foreign man is to get out of the DR, and/or insure that her child has US, Canadian, or other citizenship.

This is not to say that all relationships between a foreign man and Dominican woman are doomed, as those of bob saunders and Chris Colon demonstrate. But are you ready to talk about marriage, I hope not. I question on the basis of the limited info you have provided us that you have spent enough time with her and with the family to get a sense of what the situation will be after you are married.

One final thought, you mention she comes from a very poor family. Presumably her education has been quite limited (yes, I know you said she has been taking some nursing courses). Assuming you will be living in another country, assuming you are a professional or upwardly mobile employee, how will this gal fit into the circles that will be important to you? She will be a novelty at first, but then what?
 

Pib

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Jan 1, 2002
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If one has to resort to perfect strangers for advice about something as marriage there's little hope that things are working out. We don't know you, we don't know her, we don't know the circumstances. As a rule of thumb:

When in doubt the answer is NO.

Marriage is too serious a thing to be taken lightly (unless you are JLo or Liz Tailor). Why the rush?

Pib
Dr. Laura - Not!
 

sarroj

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I agree !! Believe me, there's no rush here at all ! I just want to be sure of the path I'm going down, although it will be a while before I reach the end. It's a huge emotional investment, and before I invest in anything, I like to have a clear direction, and realistic expectations. As for asking strangers, sometimes the best advice come from them, because it's uncolored (not knowing me, her, or the situation). ;)

Ken: I'm not rejecting anything at all ! Everything everyone has said is worth a helluva lot ! Many of you have insights to this whole thing that I would never have. It's all been very good advice, and as time goes on, I wil certainly keep it all in the back of my head. And besides, I'm not hell-bent on getting married, and I certainly am going to be slow & methodical about. Probably moreso, having read what you all have to say about. :cool:
 

Ken

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How so, Tony C? No matter why she goes, it is likely that she will want to have frequent contact with her family in the DR.
 

arenas809

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I'm ignoring the fact that the girl in question is from my country, and all the other facts you've presented....problem I see is, if you have to come onto a message board to see if you should marry someone or not, then that to me is a big flashing red light, that at this time anyway, you should not be marrying them...

Somoene really in love and knows they want to make that commitment with women, looks for confirmation in their heart, not on dr1.com.
 

sarroj

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Arenas, you're right. Of course you're right. I didn't pose the question here to make any decisions, so much as to hear about other experiences. My heart tells me to keep going with her, that she's genuine, but not only is love blind, it can also be pretty stupid as well. I've heard the stories about bad experiences marrying someone from situations drastically different from my own, and judging from what everone has written, my reservations seem justified. WIll I base any decisions (when I make one, which won't be for a LONG time) on what I have read here ? Of course not. That would be rediculous. Will I be a little more on my guard ? Absolutely ! Let's just say I posted the question here as just sort of a "reality check". One thing I noticed: Outside of Bob Saunders, just about every comment was negative ............ Maybe I'll be lucky like Bob was .....
 
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