1. Never throw away a Greek salad under your own desk,
unless you want to your office to smell like a
Mediterranean bazaar for the rest of the week.
2. ?Free? cookies are never ?free?. There?s always
price to be paid-- usually in the form of a story
about some lonely spinster?s cat. If she had a life,
she probably wouldn?t have time to make cookies for
the office now would she?
3. Opening Porn = Boss in your office. It?s like
voodoo. If you haven?t seen your supervisor in a
while, the single most effective way summon them to
your office is to click that link in the email
entitled ?Yank-me-doodle-went-to-town.mpg.? Not only
will your boss mystically appear, but there is a good
possibility they will have their boss with them as
well.
4. Repeatedly using the word "synergy" in a meeting
will result in the rest of the group longing to
crucify you, in synergy.
5. The hotness of the woman you just met with is
directly proportional to the amount of eye snot, food
in your teeth, and protruding nose hair discovered in
the men's room immediately thereafter.
6. Sunday Night Football = Monday morning meetings. If
your team is playing a big game on Sunday night (you
know, the kind that requires you to drink a 12 pack
and eat buffalo wings and nachos) you are guaranteed
an early meeting the next morning. The amount
consumed the prior night is inversely proportional to
the size of the room your meeting will be in.
7. A noted Regional Sales Manager once calculated that
you can determine how hot the room will actually feel
that next morning (like wind chill) by using the
following Formula: Total number of 12 oz beers
consumed divided by hours of sleep multiplied 55. Ex:
8 beers 5.0 hours sleep * 55 = 84. degrees/F. Or 12
beers /2.5 hrs * 55 =242 degrees/f
8. The day that you decide to get in shape, the
bosses? daughter will start selling girl-scout
cookies. Hey, it would be a bad career move not to buy
at least a half-dozen boxes of thin-mints, right?
9. Marching to the men's room with the Globe tucked
under your arm is a bad look, unless you are the CEO.
Smart up-and-coming executives print off pages from
the Globe online and bring them into the restroom in a
manila file folder marked ?confidential?
10. Farting in your office is the fastest way to
summon the most attractive female on your contact list
(see Porn = boss above)
11. Those people who live by their palm pilots are 12x
more likely to be late for a meeting. Most likely
because they waste 10 minutes every time they open the
damn thing playing around trying to get the freakin?
letters right.
12. Every office has that one person who leaves just
enough coffee in the pot so they don?t have to make
more. When confronted with this malfeasance, they'll
insist that there was "a cup left." The problem is,
there?s only a "cup" left if you?re drinking out of a
shot glass.
13. It?s an unwritten rule of evolution that the
person who is most likely to walk into your office and
spend half an hour talking to you is the very same
person who will most likely douse themselves with
perfume before doing it. (This can occasionally be
useful if, and only if, you have violated the Greek
salad rule above)
14. The least funny people are the most likely to
abuse the ?reply to all? button.
15. Coffee WILL get on your tie. Might as well just
dunk the end of it in the pot before you pour a cup to
get it over with. Someone could make a billion dollars
by putting out a line of ties that are coffee-colored
16. Just because you have a speaker-phone doesn?t mean
you need to use it there, captain bullhorn. The person
with the most annoying voice this side of Jerry Lewis
will inevitably feel the need to use their speaker
phone for every call. And they are also likely to be
in the cube next to you or to leave their office door
open when they do it.
17. Getting caught checking out the pictures of your
boss?s hot daughter during the weekly staff meeting is
a serious career limiting move. Getting caught talking
about them in the bathroom after the meeting can get
you ushered to the door by security
18. Conversely, the more ugly or funny looking a
person child?s? picture is, the more likely it is to
be prominently displayed and directly in your line of
sight
19. On the terrifying sprint from the men's room back
to your office, there is a 100% chance that the
hottest woman in the office will stop you and notice
the dark spot of urine on your tan pants.
20. I don't care if it's gauche to eat 3 sandwiches in
a lunch meeting. Don't hold meetings during my lunch
break if you don't want to witness the carnage.
21. Contrary to the belief of the cubicle dweller,
sending email with return receipt is not playing God,
and is easily thwarted with Auto Preview.
22. Much like porta-potties and RVs, the bathroom
closest to you office should be used for #1 only.
23. Every office has the guy whose entire sense of
humor is derived from Seinfeld. Even though the show
has been off the air for like 4 years, you will never
encounter any situation that doesn?t remind him of at
least one episode
24. If you wear a nametag or badge and you clip it to
your belt, be sure that it?s not visible to the guy in
the next stall when you are disposing of last nights?
Chili con Carne during your 10:30 bathroom break
25. The person who knows the least about any given
topic is the most likely to spend half the meeting
talking about.
unless you want to your office to smell like a
Mediterranean bazaar for the rest of the week.
2. ?Free? cookies are never ?free?. There?s always
price to be paid-- usually in the form of a story
about some lonely spinster?s cat. If she had a life,
she probably wouldn?t have time to make cookies for
the office now would she?
3. Opening Porn = Boss in your office. It?s like
voodoo. If you haven?t seen your supervisor in a
while, the single most effective way summon them to
your office is to click that link in the email
entitled ?Yank-me-doodle-went-to-town.mpg.? Not only
will your boss mystically appear, but there is a good
possibility they will have their boss with them as
well.
4. Repeatedly using the word "synergy" in a meeting
will result in the rest of the group longing to
crucify you, in synergy.
5. The hotness of the woman you just met with is
directly proportional to the amount of eye snot, food
in your teeth, and protruding nose hair discovered in
the men's room immediately thereafter.
6. Sunday Night Football = Monday morning meetings. If
your team is playing a big game on Sunday night (you
know, the kind that requires you to drink a 12 pack
and eat buffalo wings and nachos) you are guaranteed
an early meeting the next morning. The amount
consumed the prior night is inversely proportional to
the size of the room your meeting will be in.
7. A noted Regional Sales Manager once calculated that
you can determine how hot the room will actually feel
that next morning (like wind chill) by using the
following Formula: Total number of 12 oz beers
consumed divided by hours of sleep multiplied 55. Ex:
8 beers 5.0 hours sleep * 55 = 84. degrees/F. Or 12
beers /2.5 hrs * 55 =242 degrees/f
8. The day that you decide to get in shape, the
bosses? daughter will start selling girl-scout
cookies. Hey, it would be a bad career move not to buy
at least a half-dozen boxes of thin-mints, right?
9. Marching to the men's room with the Globe tucked
under your arm is a bad look, unless you are the CEO.
Smart up-and-coming executives print off pages from
the Globe online and bring them into the restroom in a
manila file folder marked ?confidential?
10. Farting in your office is the fastest way to
summon the most attractive female on your contact list
(see Porn = boss above)
11. Those people who live by their palm pilots are 12x
more likely to be late for a meeting. Most likely
because they waste 10 minutes every time they open the
damn thing playing around trying to get the freakin?
letters right.
12. Every office has that one person who leaves just
enough coffee in the pot so they don?t have to make
more. When confronted with this malfeasance, they'll
insist that there was "a cup left." The problem is,
there?s only a "cup" left if you?re drinking out of a
shot glass.
13. It?s an unwritten rule of evolution that the
person who is most likely to walk into your office and
spend half an hour talking to you is the very same
person who will most likely douse themselves with
perfume before doing it. (This can occasionally be
useful if, and only if, you have violated the Greek
salad rule above)
14. The least funny people are the most likely to
abuse the ?reply to all? button.
15. Coffee WILL get on your tie. Might as well just
dunk the end of it in the pot before you pour a cup to
get it over with. Someone could make a billion dollars
by putting out a line of ties that are coffee-colored
16. Just because you have a speaker-phone doesn?t mean
you need to use it there, captain bullhorn. The person
with the most annoying voice this side of Jerry Lewis
will inevitably feel the need to use their speaker
phone for every call. And they are also likely to be
in the cube next to you or to leave their office door
open when they do it.
17. Getting caught checking out the pictures of your
boss?s hot daughter during the weekly staff meeting is
a serious career limiting move. Getting caught talking
about them in the bathroom after the meeting can get
you ushered to the door by security
18. Conversely, the more ugly or funny looking a
person child?s? picture is, the more likely it is to
be prominently displayed and directly in your line of
sight
19. On the terrifying sprint from the men's room back
to your office, there is a 100% chance that the
hottest woman in the office will stop you and notice
the dark spot of urine on your tan pants.
20. I don't care if it's gauche to eat 3 sandwiches in
a lunch meeting. Don't hold meetings during my lunch
break if you don't want to witness the carnage.
21. Contrary to the belief of the cubicle dweller,
sending email with return receipt is not playing God,
and is easily thwarted with Auto Preview.
22. Much like porta-potties and RVs, the bathroom
closest to you office should be used for #1 only.
23. Every office has the guy whose entire sense of
humor is derived from Seinfeld. Even though the show
has been off the air for like 4 years, you will never
encounter any situation that doesn?t remind him of at
least one episode
24. If you wear a nametag or badge and you clip it to
your belt, be sure that it?s not visible to the guy in
the next stall when you are disposing of last nights?
Chili con Carne during your 10:30 bathroom break
25. The person who knows the least about any given
topic is the most likely to spend half the meeting
talking about.