Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United
States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has only been in place for eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity
and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path
of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and
conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud
to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the
following changes:
I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your branch whom you must designate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the
United States Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.
To that end, please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice service. Press buttons
as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call. This
month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie
Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of
cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing
drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you
have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material
you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be
billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will
be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at
75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has only been in place for eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity
and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path
of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and
conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud
to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the
following changes:
I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your branch whom you must designate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the
United States Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.
To that end, please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice service. Press buttons
as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call. This
month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie
Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of
cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing
drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you
have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material
you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be
billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will
be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at
75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)