dumb blond jokes
3 blondes find a magic lamp. when the genie pop's out, he decides to be fair, so gives each a wish. 1st one wants to be 25% smarter, POOF she becomes a brunette. 2nd one wants to be 50% smarter, POOF she becomes a redhead. 3rd one enjoys being a blonde so much that she decides she wants to be 50% dumber, WHAT, are U sure? YES! she exclaims OK POOF she becomes a man
Sunday School
A new Sunday School Teacher was nervous when the Preacher said he was going to drop in for a visit to her class. She had all the children seated in a big circle. She told them to be on their best behavior and answer the father's questions. Then the Father came in and said hello to all the boy's and girl's. He looked at one boy and asked him did he know who died on the cross so our sins could be forgiven. The boy looked scared unable to answer so just as the Father turned to ask another the teacher poked the little boy in the behind with her hair pin. The boy jumped up rubbing his behind while shouting out, Jesus Christ. The Father looked back at the boy saying very good. Then he asked another little boy who created the world the stars and Heaven. Again when Father turned to ask the teacher poked this boy as well. The boy jumped up shouting out God Almighty as he rubbed his behind. Very very good Father said as he looked upon a little girl and asked her, what did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden? Father knew this was a hard one and looked around to see if any knew. The teacher was just about to poke the little girl in her bottom with the hair pin but before she could the smart little girl saw it coming, jumped up out of her chair shouting out, Your not sticking that thing into me!
Forgive me father
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Danny boy? "Yes, Father, it is."
"Who was it?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Danny, I'm sure to find out sooner or later. Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Danny, I and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You shall recite twenty Hail Mary's. Be off with you now."
Danny walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four good leads," says Danny!
4 nuns
There were 4 nuns and each received a weekend pass out of the convent. After the weekend the priest decided to meet then when they came back and ask them how their weekend was. The priest walked up to the first nun and asks, "Sister, how was you weekend?"
She replied, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis on the weekend."
The Father looks at her and says, "Go wash you eyes in the holy water, and all your sins will be forgiven." He turns to the second nun and asks, "How was your weekend Sister?"
She replied and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned as well, I touched a man's penis on the weekend."
The priest says, "Well, go wash your hands in the holy water and all your sins will be forgiven."
At this point the fourth nuns is arguing with the third nun and the priest quickly turns to ask, "Sisters, what is the matter?"
The fourth nuns replies, "There is no ******* way I'm gonna gargle that shit after she has her ass in it."
2 Brothers ( I swear )
TWO BROTHERS aged four and seven were in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nodded his head in agreement. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" The four-year-old agreed and they went down to the kitchen. Their mother walked in and asked the seven-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. "Oh, shit, Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK! She caught him around the ear with a mighty blow and he flew out of his chair and across the kitchen floor. She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, " he blubbered, "but it won't be ******* Coco Pops."
Electrifying couple
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe,went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." Why, yes, I remember it well, dear, " replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let?s go there again, and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f...ing fence wasn't electrified."
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
>
>Sharon Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
>while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
>people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her
>eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who
>had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the
>car. He noticed that Sharon's eyes were now open, and she looked very
>strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Sharon replied that she'd been
>shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
>an hour.
>
>The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
>were locked and Sharon refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
>finally got in, they found that Sharon had a wad of bread dough on the back
>of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
>making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
>her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
>she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
>but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
>until someone noticed and came to her aid.
>
>And, yes, Sharon is a blonde.
3 blondes find a magic lamp. when the genie pop's out, he decides to be fair, so gives each a wish. 1st one wants to be 25% smarter, POOF she becomes a brunette. 2nd one wants to be 50% smarter, POOF she becomes a redhead. 3rd one enjoys being a blonde so much that she decides she wants to be 50% dumber, WHAT, are U sure? YES! she exclaims OK POOF she becomes a man
Sunday School
A new Sunday School Teacher was nervous when the Preacher said he was going to drop in for a visit to her class. She had all the children seated in a big circle. She told them to be on their best behavior and answer the father's questions. Then the Father came in and said hello to all the boy's and girl's. He looked at one boy and asked him did he know who died on the cross so our sins could be forgiven. The boy looked scared unable to answer so just as the Father turned to ask another the teacher poked the little boy in the behind with her hair pin. The boy jumped up rubbing his behind while shouting out, Jesus Christ. The Father looked back at the boy saying very good. Then he asked another little boy who created the world the stars and Heaven. Again when Father turned to ask the teacher poked this boy as well. The boy jumped up shouting out God Almighty as he rubbed his behind. Very very good Father said as he looked upon a little girl and asked her, what did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden? Father knew this was a hard one and looked around to see if any knew. The teacher was just about to poke the little girl in her bottom with the hair pin but before she could the smart little girl saw it coming, jumped up out of her chair shouting out, Your not sticking that thing into me!
Forgive me father
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Danny boy? "Yes, Father, it is."
"Who was it?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Danny, I'm sure to find out sooner or later. Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Danny, I and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You shall recite twenty Hail Mary's. Be off with you now."
Danny walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four good leads," says Danny!
4 nuns
There were 4 nuns and each received a weekend pass out of the convent. After the weekend the priest decided to meet then when they came back and ask them how their weekend was. The priest walked up to the first nun and asks, "Sister, how was you weekend?"
She replied, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis on the weekend."
The Father looks at her and says, "Go wash you eyes in the holy water, and all your sins will be forgiven." He turns to the second nun and asks, "How was your weekend Sister?"
She replied and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned as well, I touched a man's penis on the weekend."
The priest says, "Well, go wash your hands in the holy water and all your sins will be forgiven."
At this point the fourth nuns is arguing with the third nun and the priest quickly turns to ask, "Sisters, what is the matter?"
The fourth nuns replies, "There is no ******* way I'm gonna gargle that shit after she has her ass in it."
2 Brothers ( I swear )
TWO BROTHERS aged four and seven were in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nodded his head in agreement. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" The four-year-old agreed and they went down to the kitchen. Their mother walked in and asked the seven-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. "Oh, shit, Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK! She caught him around the ear with a mighty blow and he flew out of his chair and across the kitchen floor. She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, " he blubbered, "but it won't be ******* Coco Pops."
Electrifying couple
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe,went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." Why, yes, I remember it well, dear, " replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let?s go there again, and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f...ing fence wasn't electrified."
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
>
>Sharon Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
>while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
>people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her
>eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who
>had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the
>car. He noticed that Sharon's eyes were now open, and she looked very
>strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Sharon replied that she'd been
>shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
>an hour.
>
>The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
>were locked and Sharon refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
>finally got in, they found that Sharon had a wad of bread dough on the back
>of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
>making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
>her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
>she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
>but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
>until someone noticed and came to her aid.
>
>And, yes, Sharon is a blonde.