Travel Advisory for France
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe,
and is for all intents and purposes (censored) useless. It is an important
member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it
thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible
to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although
many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their
armpits or their legs.
Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that
France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender
more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.
Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see
why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing,
of
course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family.)
Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or
Holiday
Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor
excuse for such.
Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy
in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.
Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people
didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear
tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe,
and is for all intents and purposes (censored) useless. It is an important
member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it
thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible
to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although
many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their
armpits or their legs.
Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that
France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender
more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.
Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see
why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing,
of
course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family.)
Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or
Holiday
Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor
excuse for such.
Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy
in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.
Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people
didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear
tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.