A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?"
To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye -- and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "Well, I can bring her here on Monday , but on Tuesdays and Fridays I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
And here's one I told HB and Eddy when I visited last:
A man shows up at the hospital emergency room with his wife's head wrapped in his golf shirt and blood everywhere. "Somebody help me!" he shouts, "my wife's lost a lot of blood. She needs help FAST!"
A doctor approaches and relieves the man of his injured wife, and asks "Can you give me an idea what's happened here?"
"Oh doctor, I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose her and it's all gonna be my fault. I can't believe what just happened. What am I gonna do without my wife?" he sobs.
"Nurse! See if you can get a straight answer out of this man. This woman needs surgery," says the doctor and he puts the wife in a wheelchair and disappears towards the operating room.
The nurse approaches, calmly, and asks the man to try to describe the injury. "Well," he says through his tears, "she's always begging me to take her golfing even though she doesn't know the first thing about it. So I finally take her, and, we're on the first tee, and I send her down to the ladies' tees and tell her to wait. Oh, this is the worst day of my life. I told her to stay in the trees, and wait for me. But as I'm powering into my downstroke, I see her out of the corner of my eye, right in front of me, right in the middle of the teebox, but I can't stop, I followed through, and, bang, the ball hits her right in the back of the head. I can't believe my luck. I just know she's gonna die. What am I gonna do?" He breaks into a loud wail.
About that time, the doctor returns and says, "I'm sorry, but you were right. She'd lost too much blood. We couldn't save her. I'm very sorry, and I'd rather not ask you this at this time, but as we were examining her body, we saw a fresh welt, about the size of a quarter, maybe a little bigger, right between her shoulder blades. Do you know how that might have happened?"
"Well," says the man, "OK, I took one Mulligan."
FORE!
st louis mike
To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye -- and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "Well, I can bring her here on Monday , but on Tuesdays and Fridays I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
And here's one I told HB and Eddy when I visited last:
A man shows up at the hospital emergency room with his wife's head wrapped in his golf shirt and blood everywhere. "Somebody help me!" he shouts, "my wife's lost a lot of blood. She needs help FAST!"
A doctor approaches and relieves the man of his injured wife, and asks "Can you give me an idea what's happened here?"
"Oh doctor, I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose her and it's all gonna be my fault. I can't believe what just happened. What am I gonna do without my wife?" he sobs.
"Nurse! See if you can get a straight answer out of this man. This woman needs surgery," says the doctor and he puts the wife in a wheelchair and disappears towards the operating room.
The nurse approaches, calmly, and asks the man to try to describe the injury. "Well," he says through his tears, "she's always begging me to take her golfing even though she doesn't know the first thing about it. So I finally take her, and, we're on the first tee, and I send her down to the ladies' tees and tell her to wait. Oh, this is the worst day of my life. I told her to stay in the trees, and wait for me. But as I'm powering into my downstroke, I see her out of the corner of my eye, right in front of me, right in the middle of the teebox, but I can't stop, I followed through, and, bang, the ball hits her right in the back of the head. I can't believe my luck. I just know she's gonna die. What am I gonna do?" He breaks into a loud wail.
About that time, the doctor returns and says, "I'm sorry, but you were right. She'd lost too much blood. We couldn't save her. I'm very sorry, and I'd rather not ask you this at this time, but as we were examining her body, we saw a fresh welt, about the size of a quarter, maybe a little bigger, right between her shoulder blades. Do you know how that might have happened?"
"Well," says the man, "OK, I took one Mulligan."
FORE!
st louis mike
