XR's Dominican Hurricane Tips
For ex-Dominicans, present Dominicans, and future Dominicans.
We're currently at peak of the Atlantic hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE. If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your Dominican driver's license. If it says anything other than Pico Duarte - you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely, and can share Presidentes along the route.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Dominican tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last Domino table and bottle of Brugal. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
Good luck and remember - it's great living in paradise!
Tom (aka XR)
For ex-Dominicans, present Dominicans, and future Dominicans.
We're currently at peak of the Atlantic hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:
- There is no need to panic.
- We could all be killed.
- STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
- STEP 2. Put these supplies into your suitcase.
- STEP 3. Fly to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE. If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
- It is reasonably well-built, and
- It is located in Nebraska.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
- Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
- Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
- "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your Dominican driver's license. If it says anything other than Pico Duarte - you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely, and can share Presidentes along the route.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Dominican tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last Domino table and bottle of Brugal. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
- 23 flashlights.
- At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
- Bleach. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!
- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
- A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the tarantulas. Ask anybody who went through David. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate tarantulas.
- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Good luck and remember - it's great living in paradise!
Tom (aka XR)