Not use to it yet!! Still home sick!

Lilymom

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Apr 13, 2004
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I'm back again.

I'm the one that's been living here for 6 yrs. and im not use to it yet.
I still miss NYC, my family and friends. Can anyone give me some advice on what i could do. Is anyone in my same situation? My husband is dominican. I have two children ages 13 and 11 yrs. old. I'm not dominican. I was born in Puerto Rico, but grew up in NY since i was 5 yrs. old. Lived there all my life.
Perhaps your asking so why did i move here? Good question.
We moved here because my husband father past away in 1996. My husband didn't want to leave his mother alone. But I in turn had to leave mine alone.
We were already married of course, with two children. It was the hardest decision i have ever made. I thought I would adjust but i haven't. They is so much of this country that I just can't get use to. The disorganization of things, traffic, electricity, water etc. etc. The system of things in general. I cant seem to go with the "system" of how things are done here. :cry: :ermm:

I don't have no family here. My family i mean. My husband in the other hand has everything here. His mother and sister and brother and friends.

If anyone has any advice. I would gladly read it.
Thanks!!
 

Larry

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Mar 22, 2002
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I'll give you some advice though I don't know if you will like it. My advice is that you made a decision and now you have to stick with it. The reason you have to is because of your children. You uprooted them once already to move down there and at this age, uprooting them again could have a very bad effect. Your husband is leading a happy Dominican life. I imagine your children are accustomed to leading Dominican lives so the question is how selfish do you want to be? Do you want to leave them or do you want to stick it out? Judging by what you have revealed to us, this is the real core of the situation. Good luck.

Larry
 

Ladybird

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Dec 15, 2003
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The price of happiness

Down Larry Down, she's hurting. Lily I feel so sorry for you, what a situation you are in, have you asked your children what they want? cant you go back in the summer holidays and stay with your family, that way you'll have a nice break and you can see how you feel then. Surely your husband will compromise this far. Good luck B.
 

AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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I was living a very comfortable life in USA (atlanta), much better life than the ones city people are used to in bronx or any other borrow. I left all my things, my family and I moved down here. So why is it that I seem to enjoy everyday of DR than people like her? The reason is quite simple, I had done my home work before taking the decision to move down here, besides, I had prepared myself for the move.
I don't know her husband or his background but I will say is that many girls who move down here just don't do their homework and the preparation. In her case, she might have met him in NY so its a different situation but the rest of the girls seem to find the biggest loser from DR who lives in a poor barrio under a tin roof house with 10 other family members. His salery is hand to mouth and he is always a pay check away from disaster. They never have inverter or a/c etc. So if you girls leave everything behind to live with that person, guess what, you will suffer. You will live in a ghetto (unless you pay for a nice apartment in a nicer area), no lights, no inverter, no water, mosquitos, deal with his huge family and learn to suffer 24/7 in this terrible heat with long blackouts.
Now there are dominicans all over santiago and santo domingo who live in nice neighborhoods, with secure huge houses, a/c in every room, huge generator for back up and inverter for flicker free electrical switching in case of a black out. They drive nice cars and have maids in the house to cook and clean. They don't seem to complain as much as you folks do who come here unprepared. So why can't you folks find dominicans like them for a change?
So if you folks do decide to move down here, then please do your reasearch first: bring alot of money to live comfortably, learn about black outs and learn to generate your own electricity. I am in a black-out at the moment but thanks to my inverter I have electric and fans running to keep me cool. Make sure you know how the folks drive here and learn to drive like them (take lessons from scott). make sure you have enough money in the bank or find a way of generating enough cash so you can take trip to USA to see your family every 2-3 months. I do just that and I really don't miss them as much. I call them everyday and speak to my mom. I am not even rich by any american standard but I had done my homework before I moved down here. I have had the opportunity to have travelled many latin american countries and, not to mention, I had been a DR visitor for many years before I took the decision to make my move. Even I complain but I have learned to live with the system here and often times I make it work for my advantage.
Please folks, do your homework before you take any major decisions regarding a move to DR.
AZB
 

suarezn

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Feb 3, 2002
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Lilymom: How does you husband feel about moving back to The US? If he's happy down there and has no intention of moving back then you only have two choices:
-Visit the US (familiy, friends, etc) as much as you ca afford it. Maybe like AZB suggested you can visit every two months or so. Make sure to budget for this.
-Leave your husband: This may be radical, but if you're as unhappy as you sound and your husband would be unhappy up here, then one of you will always have to sacrifice for the other.

I kind of feel the same way as you do, except that mine is in reverse. Even after being in The US for 17 years or so, I miss The DR terribly. So I make DR trips part of my budget and make sure I go for at least three weeks at least once a year. Lately I'm changing my habits and have decided that instead of going down there for Three weeks in December I will probably just go Two to Three times a year, even if for shorter periods of time. This way I won't miss it as much and will be always excited to know that my next trip is only a couple of months away.
Anyhow, we don't know how comfortable economically you are (this makes a huge difference) so there's not much else we can say other than analyze your situation very carefully and decide on what's best for you and your kids.

Good luck to you!
 

NALs

Economist by Profession
Jan 20, 2003
13,369
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Lilymom needs to stop thinking about NY!

Lilymom, you need to stop thinking about NY. You are 3,000 miles away from there! If instead you start to think about the place you are right now, rather than the place you have known all your life, you should manage to "fit in", if there is such thing. There is no fitting in in that country because everyone is free to do what they want, hence the anarchaic way of things. Don't stress yourself too much.

Enjoy the trip along those roads rather than focusing on the wild driving, think of what you are going to do to keep yourself entertain and to make your life that much better rather than thinking of a place that is not real to you or your body right now. You need to live as if NY doesn't exist. Through that mentallity you will begin to put attention to the positive things of living in the DR and you will find yourself much more comfortable.

Quite frankly, the reason why you haven't gotten used to it even after 6 years is because you are not giving either yourself or the country the chance to make you feel welcomed. I'm sure you have had numerous Dominicans trying to make your life easier by offering you a part of their time or sharing with you a story or trying to make you laugh or just simply trying to make you feel welcomed. NY doesn't exist for you anymore, the DR is it! That is the mentality you need to have and wait and see, later on you will be asking yourself what was wrong with you since then you'll find the DR so much better. The DR is not going to change to make you fit in, you have to find a way of doing that. That is basically what I can say right now, but really, you have to realize that that place that you should be thinking about should be the DR, not NY.

By the way, have any of your family members visited you since you made the move? It could be that you miss your family more than NY! If so, invite them to come and visit you in the DR, hopefully some of them might be able to move to the DR and make your life that much more "home" like.
 

AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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I was going to say the same thing. If you can afford it go home often and maybe it would be a good idea to make your own friends. Try fo find other NYers in the DR and get together with them.
 

NV_

Bronze
Aug 4, 2003
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Lilymom said:
I'm back again.

I'm the one that's been living here for 6 yrs. and im not use to it yet.
I still miss NYC, my family and friends. Can anyone give me some advice on what i could do. Is anyone in my same situation? My husband is dominican. I have two children ages 13 and 11 yrs. old. I'm not dominican. I was born in Puerto Rico, but grew up in NY since i was 5 yrs. old. Lived there all my life.
Perhaps your asking so why did i move here? Good question.
We moved here because my husband father past away in 1996. My husband didn't want to leave his mother alone. But I in turn had to leave mine alone.
We were already married of course, with two children. It was the hardest decision i have ever made. I thought I would adjust but i haven't. They is so much of this country that I just can't get use to. The disorganization of things, traffic, electricity, water etc. etc. The system of things in general. I cant seem to go with the "system" of how things are done here. :cry: :ermm:

I know how you feel... Ive been here for 7+ years and have not been able to get used to it at all...for all the reasons you mentioned plus a few others ones...

I came here with the thought of attending medical school and getting out ASAP but that didnt pan out. I met a Dominican gal and have been waiting for her U.S. residency visa to come through (she was waiting for it to come through before we even met). Decided if we were going to stay together, I had to live here cause when I left I sure as hell wasnt coming back again... lol That and I dont believe long distance relationships are worth the trouble...

I was a big raver back home in FL and it has been very difficult finding anything fun or even close to what I was used to back home, here in the D.R...

I just hope her visa comes through soon and she gets approved so we can leave here together...

Marriage wouldve been easier and faster but "homey dont play dat".... lol
 

Lilymom

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Apr 13, 2004
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Trying!

Ladybird said:
Down Larry Down, she's hurting. Lily I feel so sorry for you, what a situation you are in, have you asked your children what they want? cant you go back in the summer holidays and stay with your family, that way you'll have a nice break and you can see how you feel then. Surely your husband will compromise this far. Good luck B.

Hi!!!
As for my kids, they are divided. My daugther would like to go back.. But my son (13 yrs. old) just wants to visit. I know in my head that I can't go back. It would be a HUGE decision. I did a total move here.. I resigned from my job, everything. So i really can't go back. I just get so lonely sometimes. I really don't have any friends. I miss my family so much. The last time i went back was in 2001. My mother has come 3 or 4 times. But I still miss my other family members.

Thanks for your advice Lady!!! :ermm:
 

Lilymom

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Apr 13, 2004
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suarezn said:
Lilymom: How does you husband feel about moving back to The US? If he's happy down there and has no intention of moving back then you only have two choices:
-Visit the US (familiy, friends, etc) as much as you ca afford it. Maybe like AZB suggested you can visit every two months or so. Make sure to budget for this.
-Leave your husband: This may be radical, but if you're as unhappy as you sound and your husband would be unhappy up here, then one of you will always have to sacrifice for the other.

I kind of feel the same way as you do, except that mine is in reverse. Even after being in The US for 17 years or so, I miss The DR terribly. So I make DR trips part of my budget and make sure I go for at least three weeks at least once a year. Lately I'm changing my habits and have decided that instead of going down there for Three weeks in December I will probably just go Two to Three times a year, even if for shorter periods of time. This way I won't miss it as much and will be always excited to know that my next trip is only a couple of months away.
Anyhow, we don't know how comfortable economically you are (this makes a huge difference) so there's not much else we can say other than analyze your situation very carefully and decide on what's best for you and your kids.

Good luck to you!


My husband is a in cloud nine here. He's so happy. He doesn't even think about going to NY. Actually he went back about 5 yrs ago. for a week and he came back in two days. He says that as long he's doing well here he will never, ever go back to live in NYC. We are economically well here. And I'm not saying that I want to go back and live there. All I want is to get use to it here. But I sometimes think there's something wrong with me. I feel so lonely many times. I don't have friends, only acquintances. I don't belong to an organization, club etc. or anything. I don't work, so I don't get a chance to make friends in a work place. Understand me? The last time i visited NY was in 2001. I wish i could go 2 or 3 times a year. But of course i can't because of the kids.

Bye!
 

Adrian Bye

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Jul 7, 2002
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I don't belong to an organization, club etc. or anything

Some would suggest that's pretty easy to solve.

I suggest you do some web browsing about culture shock. You may not think thats the issue, but it sounds like it is.

Here's a good starting point:

http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm

#1 key: get involved in local activities and keep yourself busy. You can easily join some organizations and clubs. Just go and do it!

Adrian
 

suarezn

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Feb 3, 2002
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Ok...so the whole problem revolves about you being bored with not much to do down there. How about taking some classes at a university or institute (great way to meet people), joining a gym, church, social club, etc...or what about teaching English as a Second Language part time? When I worked at the Instituto Cultural Dominico Americano I knew a few foreigners who taught English part time just to keep somewhat busy and meet people, not because they needed the job.
Just decide what your interests are and I'm sure you could find some organization to join.

Good luck to you!
 

miguel

I didn't last long...
Jul 2, 2003
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A few Q's!!!

Lilymom said:
My husband is a in cloud nine here. He's so happy. He doesn't even think about going to NY. Actually he went back about 5 yrs ago. for a week and he came back in two days. He says that as long he's doing well here he will never, ever go back to live in NYC. We are economically well here. And I'm not saying that I want to go back and live there. All I want is to get use to it here. But I sometimes think there's something wrong with me. I feel so lonely many times. I don't have friends, only acquintances. I don't belong to an organization, club etc. or anything. I don't work, so I don't get a chance to make friends in a work place. Understand me? The last time i visited NY was in 2001. I wish i could go 2 or 3 times a year. But of course i can't because of the kids.

Bye!
I debated for a while if I should post since I already posted on the other thread about the same thing a while ago. Here it goes: Is your husband doing everything he wants to do, like going out with his friends and such?, do you HAVE to stay with the kids ALWAYS?, does he lets you have friends outside other than HIS friends and HIS family?, does he allows you to make friends of your own?, does he lets you go out of the house to visit people by yourself?, do you have money to entertain your friends or you must ask him?, can you go out on a "girls night out" without him telling you that you can not go?, does he lets you do your own things any time you want to?, why can't you leave the kids with him while you go and visit your family in NY?, does he tells you that you HAVE to be with the kids always?, are you a prisoner in your own home?, can you make your own decisions or you need his aproval on everything?. Please, try and answer these questions for me because it's not fair that he is "in cloud nine there" while he knows that you are miserable.
 
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AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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miguel said:
I debated for a while if I should post since I already posted on the other thread about the same thing a while ago. Here it goes: Is your husband doing everything he wants to do, like going out with his friends and such?, do you HAVE to stay with the kids ALWAYS?, does he lets you have friends outside other than HIS friends and HIS family?, does he allows you to make friends of your own?, does he lets you go out of the house to visit people by yourself?, does you have money to entertain your friends or you must ask him?, can you go out on a "girls night out" without him telling you that you can not go?, does he lets you do your own things any time you want to?, why can't you leave the kids with him while you go and visit your family in NY?, does he tells you that you HAVE to be with the kids always?, are you a prisoner in your own home?, can you make your own decisions or you need his aproval on everything?. Please, try and answer these questions for me because it's not fair that he is "in cloud nine there" while he knows that you are miserable.
Man o man, with guys like Miguel giving advice, we don't need those feminist activists spoiling the women in this country.
My dear lonely friend, if you are bored, I suggest you drop your guard for one day and make friends the easy way. I know some people have no idea how to make friends but believe me, its so easy to do if you only try. Join a gym (gold's gym), and work out, this way you will stay in shape and get to meet quality folks. People who could match your social class. People in this country are so friendly that they will carry you tp their house if you let them. I was in a disco and looking at a faintly printed bill to pay up and leave. A man sitting in front of me thought I didn't have enough money to pay up, so he offered to pay my bill. Ofcourse, I was with 2 girls and he was alone so naturally he had some invested interest. In any case, I could have offered him one of the girls but that was not the issue. He was a man of class who was only looking to make friends. You will be surprised to see how many women in this country would be so glad to have you as a friend. But wait, you said you have been living here for 7 years and still don't have a person to call a friend???? chances are, either you are an arrogant puerto rican woman who looks down upon dominicans or simply a shy person who just doesn't have what it takes to make friends. I hope you stop thinking and start acting. Go out and make friends and invite them to your house and cook for them. It is so easy.
AZB
 

jsizemore

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Aug 6, 2003
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dominos works

As a tall hillbilly all I have to do is sit down with a box of dominos and get my butt kicked by the average 6 year old and next thing you know I am adopted into the family.
John
 

miguel

I didn't last long...
Jul 2, 2003
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Mira Mamao!

AZB said:
Man o man, with guys like Miguel giving advice, we don't need those feminist activists spoiling the women in this country.
My dear lonely friend, if you are bored, I suggest you drop your guard for one day and make friends the easy way. I know some people have no idea how to make friends but believe me, its so easy to do if you only try. Join a gym (gold's gym), and work out, this way you will stay in shape and get to meet quality folks. People who could match your social class. People in this country are so friendly that they will carry you tp their house if you let them. I was in a disco and looking at a faintly printed bill to pay up and leave. A man sitting in front of me thought I didn't have enough money to pay up, so he offered to pay my bill. Ofcourse, I was with 2 girls and he was alone so naturally he had some invested interest. In any case, I could have offered him one of the girls but that was not the issue. He was a man of class who was only looking to make friends. You will be surprised to see how many women in this country would be so glad to have you as a friend. But wait, you said you have been living here for 7 years and still don't have a person to call a friend???? chances are, either you are an arrogant puerto rican woman who looks down upon dominicans or simply a shy person who just doesn't have what it takes to make friends. I hope you stop thinking and start acting. Go out and make friends and invite them to your house and cook for them. It is so easy.
AZB
The reason why I asked her all those questions is because of something she wrote, she says that after so many years, she does not have any friends. The other thing the wrote is that she does not go and visit her family because of the kids. I want to know is her husband is one of these guys that would not stay with their kids under no circuntances or if he does not let her have friends or go out. If all is yes to what I asked her, then she is the problem and not the country and it's people.
 

AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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miguel said:
The reason why I asked her all those questions is because of something she wrote, she says that after so many years, she does not have any friends. The other thing the wrote is that she does not go and visit her family because of the kids. I want to know is her husband is one of these guys that would not stay with their kids under no circuntances or if he does not let her have friends or go out. If all is yes to what I asked her, then she is the problem and not the country and it's people.
Alright, I get your drift. I agree 100%.
As I remember, she stated that they are financially well off so I would imagine that they have a live in maid / nanny who could watch the kids while she would go out on her own to tend her personal matters. I just don't see the problem, she is of puerto rican decent and speaks spanish. I am sure she understands dominican latin culture very well. So what is keeping her from making friends? Now if they are financially well off, then why can't she take a trip to see her family every once in a while? Take the kids with her or leave them to his mom to take care for a week?
Where is the problem?
AZB