Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29
  1. #1
    Regular
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    81
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Looking for advice.

    Hello to all!

    My husband and I have decided to move to Santo Domingo. By trade he is a Race Horse Trainer, and my background is in education. He is Dominican and I am American. We also have a large family. (Married for over 12 years).

    Our intent is to rent a fairly large home because of the number of family members. My concern is the as follows;

    My husbandís family has always received a small remittance from us both sporadically when they call and ask, and some times fairly regularly. I usually send something; however, sometimes I delay, to show that I am not an ATM. On my last visit I saw that his mother sold the refrigerator I purchased for her. She was given 10,000 pesos and a worse refrigerator than she had in the beginning.

    How will my husbands average/lower than average working class family, react when the come and see we live in a 400m2 home. How can I be firm and say no, with out causing bad blood in the family?

    We are moving to SD to get closer to them, not to insult them.

    Any suggestions, comments?
    If this has been posted before direction would be helpful.

  2. #2
    DR1
    Join Date
    May 1999
    Posts
    0
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Great question!

    Unfortunately, I personally don't have an answer for you as I have no family here. But I'm sure one or two of our posters can help that have experienced what you're about to experience.

    Setting boundaries will not be easy, especially as life here is so family centered.

    My guess is your going to be seeing a lot of family members you never new you had

  3. #3
    Mr. Chunky Skin
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Posts
    640
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Bad blood will always exist. It may be part of human nature to want what you can't have or afford.
    From years of experience, the right answer is "i'm not a bank or a charitable organization".
    Sad as it may be, the words "give an inch and they will take a mile" come to mind.
    IMO, the sooner you "wean" them the better your quality of life will be.

  4. #4
    Gold
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    7,398
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Tough one and I don't envy your position.

    Escott

  5. #5
    Bronze
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Posts
    1,273
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    First I would have this discussion with your husband. What does he think. He is the Dominican. Does he not know how to manage a Dominican cultural problem like this...I am sure he has some ideas. I would like to hear them myself.

    This is a question better left to other Dominicans.

  6. #6
    Bronze
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    856
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    I am in a somewhat similar position. It is very difficult for my girlfriend to limit what she gives to her family, who are constantly asking. Since I'm the gringo with the money, she uses me as the excuse - I'm the bad guy. Since the needs and wants are endless, you just have to be firm and fair. Do and give what you can and be prepared for a struggle. i don't know about your family, but be prepared to be conned and robbed as well.

  7. #7
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    12,268
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Robert

    My guess is your going to be seeing a lot of family members you never new you had
    Yes, like the commercial I have seen lately on TV. This guy wins $2+million on a TV quiz show, then all sorts of people start showing up at his door claiming to be relatives that he obviously never knew he had.

    And Montessorian, if you get a large house just for your immediate family, be sure it isn't so large that his family can move in. If that happens, your life will take a turn that you neither want nor expect. In the Dominican culture, the mother is the head person, taking precedence even over the wives and husbands of her children.

  8. #8
    Bronze
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    1,636
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Montessorian
    Hello to all!

    My husband and I have decided to move to Santo Domingo. By trade he is a Race Horse Trainer, and my background is in education. He is Dominican and I am American. We also have a large family. (Married for over 12 years).

    Our intent is to rent a fairly large home because of the number of family members. My concern is the as follows;

    My husbandís family has always received a small remittance from us both sporadically when they call and ask, and some times fairly regularly. I usually send something; however, sometimes I delay, to show that I am not an ATM. On my last visit I saw that his mother sold the refrigerator I purchased for her. She was given 10,000 pesos and a worse refrigerator than she had in the beginning.

    How will my husbands average/lower than average working class family, react when the come and see we live in a 400m2 home. How can I be firm and say no, with out causing bad blood in the family?

    We are moving to SD to get closer to them, not to insult them.

    Any suggestions, comments?
    If this has been posted before direction would be helpful.
    Sometimes the most difficult thing to say to someone you care for, or even love, is "NO." And it is often the best thing you can say as well.

    You should certainly share what you are comfortable in sharing with your extended family but draw a hard, firm and unmistakable line not to cross. For you or for them. They will be mad at first, then understand, then try again, and continue this loop for a long time.

    Over time they will understand that while you love and care for them, you have your own life to live and deserve the right to live it as you want to.

  9. #9
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    85
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    I guess this is going to be my first post.

    Let me introduce myself. I have been living in the DR for 8 months now, have been visiting these forums for about 6 months, am originally from South America, Lived in US (Texas to be exactly) for 18 years , was married for 13 years my ex-wife is american.

    Now to the subject. I have some expererience on the subject of inter-cultural marriages. In your case it all depends if your husband views the inquiries made by your in-laws as a burden or as a legitimate family relationship.
    Having only you be the "bad guy" is not a good idea, your husband should be the one that steps out to the plate and explains the rules to the rest of his family.

    The best advise I can give you is to comunicate with your husband in how you feel in this subject so you both put a united front on this. After all, he got to pick his partner in life not his blood family.


    Wag

    PS.

    AZB I didn't know I knew you until I saw the Pics,

  10. #10
    Regular
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    358
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Relax, Don't worry about it, things will take care of themselves. My Wife and I are in your situation and it's not a problem, except that I'm the American. When we lived in NY we regulary wired money to her parents and sister, and when we visited we bought or Brought, a refrigerator, A/C, inversor, TV, Computers, VCR, DVD player, etc. Now we live here in a nice apartment, and are earning pesos and have had to tighten our belts. Last month we were short and mama was giving us 500 pesos to cover a bill. Dominicans know how to take, but they also know how to give, especially if you're family. If you're ever in need you will be suprised how people, with so little, will give you half. It may have been one-sided while you were in the US, because money is in surplus there for a lot of us. But if you can't give once you get here, it will be understood, cook some meals, bring some food over, give a few bucks if you can, but NOT if you can't. They will understand. It's not a good idea to flaunt wealth or luxury in general here, for safety as well as to prevent envy. A large house dosn't have to reek of money. And my guess is that your in-laws have adjusted to their own lifestyle and living arrangements anyway.
    I keep offering to take in my wife's family, in our little apartment, it hasn't happened yet. If they ever do move in, well that's the way it is here, if you move here, remember family is mostly everything and all are expected to help each other out, if they can.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •