All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Came home for dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should
pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one
of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and
you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and
hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl
but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear
end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my
thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter
of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for
the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the
same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of
bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRI IPP.
Everything is swirly and spotted.
Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's
no hair on it!
Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head
down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair
that should be on the strip. I touch.... I am touching wax! S&%T I run my
fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my
foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around
the bathroom trying to figure out what! to do and think to myself "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off"
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits
and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment
- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
businesses glued together is having them glued together and then
glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water. Which, by
the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man
that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I
call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.... "So, my butt and who-! ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. Sh e doesn't have a secret
trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located on my bottom. "Are we
talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's
night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck
to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky
wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking
with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax..... What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GO! D!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of
my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair...............THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE!..................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off.... Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Came home for dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should
pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one
of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and
you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and
hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl
but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear
end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my
thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter
of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for
the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the
same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of
bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRI IPP.
Everything is swirly and spotted.
Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's
no hair on it!
Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head
down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair
that should be on the strip. I touch.... I am touching wax! S&%T I run my
fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my
foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around
the bathroom trying to figure out what! to do and think to myself "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off"
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits
and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment
- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
businesses glued together is having them glued together and then
glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water. Which, by
the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man
that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I
call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.... "So, my butt and who-! ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. Sh e doesn't have a secret
trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located on my bottom. "Are we
talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's
night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck
to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky
wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking
with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax..... What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GO! D!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of
my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair...............THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE!..................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off.... Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
