When You Marry A Dominican, Are You Expected To Help Their Family Financially?

miguel

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Jul 2, 2003
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One of the things that I have noticed and to me is very weird, is the fact that MANY Dominicans, when they marry a foreigner or a Dominican living in the US, they expect that person to help their immediate family with their hardships.

I personally know a person, a friend of over 20 years, who married a Dominican living in the US and from the "get-go" she told him that "they" needed to help her parents and sibblings back home. She even told him to think of it as paying another monthly bill. For years, this situation have created so many problems between them that I really do not know how in hell are they still together. He believes in "let then earn it" and she believes in "it's our job to help them".

I mean, if the mother and father are old and can't work, sure, but why support people that are in their 50's and a whole bunch of "vagos" that all they do is wait for their hard-earned dollars every month.

When I come to this site and I see SOME members talking about helping their girlfriend's or spouse's families, I can not help but "shake my head". I mean, I am all for helping people but going into a relationship were it's expected to help someone, in my book, it's insane.

Sometimes I put myself in some of these people's shoes and I come out with the same conclusion: "I must be the biggest "pendejo/mamao" alive if from off the bat, I have to help support a WHOLE family". Like it's not bad enough that, in MANY cases, you have to help support his/her kids.

What SOME of these foreigners do not understand is that YES, to MOST Dominicans, you are expected to help them when you marry into their families. To SOME Dominicans, YES, you are expected to help them when you are courting their kids.

MOST of the people being helped do not know, nor care, of the pressure that they are inflicting. I mean, I know of foreigners and Dominicans living abroad that are living worse than the people that they help. There's a Puerto Rican guy at work, married to a Dominicana, who is ALWAYS borrowing money for lunch but is expected to send 100 dollars a month to her family in Santiago. The stories that he tells me about her family's "wants" are just horrible. Thank God that he told me that he already warned his wife and gave her an ultimatum. He will lose, I am sure.

What some of these foreigners do not know, since they never took the time, or had no time to get to know the person, is that to MOST Dominicans, you are their meal ticket when you marry into their families. It's funny when I hear people say "well, I am as poor as her so she is not with me because of the money", wrong moron, you may be poor but to MOST Dominicans, a foreigner is a "cash factory". SOME do not give a shyt if you are poor as long as you take them home with you. To MOST of them, you represents the ticket out of poverty and the ticket into the land of opportunities. The moment they find out that you have no value to them, they WILL "drop" your axx.

Marry a Dominican, DO NOT "do" their papers and see how far that relationship will last. Of course, unless you go live to the DR and become their "sugar daddy/mommy".

I know only of 1 case where an American girl was told my a buddy of mine in the DR, that is she wanted to date him, to make sure that she knew that he would not leave his country. When she started pressuring him to marry her and that she was going to bring him to the US, he dropped her. Than again, he was born with a "silver spoon" and did not needed her help.

I have seen it ALL. I have seen people in the DR ask their families for just about everything they can think of. From the new "it" cell phone to the new brand-name "things".

One of my favorite lines: "oye, don't forget the money, you know that that's the money we use to eat, if you don't send it, we will go hungry". It's like they know how to make you feel like you HAVE to help them.

But, like I always say: "this is what you get when you date or marry DOWN!.

Btw, nothing wrong with you making them work for what you give/send them!.
 
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Robert

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I guess that depends on his/her socio-economic background.

I'm sure if I married directly into the Leon Jimenes family, I wouldn't be expected to support anyone ;)

Unfortunately, 95% of gringos/expats marry below themselves on the socio-economic scale. So I guess many would be expected to support the "family" in some way.

The cycle continues...
 

helpmann

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Grumpy Monday or Just Grumpy All the Time?

Regardless of nationality (race, ethnicity, religion...), when you marry someone, the family's part of the package!

Before getting married, you had better know what your responsibilities are not only to your spouse, but to your spouse's family as well. Funny, I thought everyone knew that.


-Helpmann :laugh:
 

miguel

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Indeed!

Robert said:
I guess that depends on his/her socio-economic background.

I'm sure if I married directly into the Leon Jimenes family, I wouldn't be expected to support anyone ;)
You are right but I don't see many members marrying a Leon Jimenez nor will we see a Leon Jimenez marrying a DR1 member. Well, unless the member is loaded with money.

The reason why I said "marry or date down", is because we all know that MOST foreigners or Dominicans abroad marry down.
 

miguel

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I c!

helpmann said:
Regardless of nationality (race, ethnicity, religion...), when you marry someone, the family's part of the package!

Before getting married, you had better know what your responsibilities are not only to your spouse, but to your spouse's family as well. Funny, I thought everyone knew that.


-Helpmann :laugh:
I don't care about any other nationalities, I know that it happens all over the globe and Mars but since this site is to talk about the DR, I thought I keep it DR related.

Are you kidding me?. What responsabilities one has with a spouse's family other than making then aware that you will threat him/her with love, care and respect and that the two of you will take care of YOUR responsabilites before worrying about anybody else's problems?.

In case you don't know, the "when you marry someone, you marry the whole family" saying, has a different meaning in the DR and in the US.
 

AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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Look at how everyone married to a dominicana start their post "my wife is from a poor family / background....". Almost 95% of expats always marry a woman who is from a poor background. No wonder they have to deal with all the problems that comes with the package.
I say, if you are old and looking for a young wife then be prepared to pay high cost of maintaining her. Now if the guy is fairly young and handsome then he should have no problem finding a girl from a self sufficient family. Santiago is full of people who are self sufficient ex: 2 cars at home, living in a good sized well built home, university educated and professionals at work. These are the people who run this country and believe me, they are in a huge number, not the 3% that people talk about. If a girl hits me with her problems, I simply dump her. I know, all her problems have only one solution "money".
I take pride in myself, I would never marry a girl who is a begger.
AZB
 

Snuffy

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May 3, 2002
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Miguel, you're just trying to stir the pot. Sitting at home bored today huh? Okay, so am I.

Just say NO! But you will most probably find yourself wanting to help some because these are the people that she loves. I think you know when you are being taken advantage of. A new cell phone is being taken advantage of. A monthly small amount to help with food may not be. I married DOWN. There are some problems in it but I wouldn't do it any differently. I have met many women here from superior families and I have had many opportunities. But I would not change out my wife for anything. I tell you that you have to suffer with a woman...together...that solidifies the relationship. Same way you should not make it to easy on your children...you need to suffer together. The state of suffering is a very complex concept and one which I believe is essential for human existence to be balanced. I could go on and on about it but suffice it to say that remembering that the woman you are with endured the hard times along with the good goes a long way.

Let me tell you the story of a Dominican I know who lives nearby. He and his wife started this colmado about 6 years back. They worked side by side from sunup to sundown. I would always see them in there sweating, tired, out of shape from the work and no needed exercise routine. Just work work work. But they were strong together. Got to admire that man and woman. Because another woman might had balked at all this hard work. She looked so tired all the time. I admired the hard work. Today, that colmado is a small market, it functions like a machine, every employee knows his job and works hard at it. The husband and wife...now just purchased a new and very large Mercedes. They are not at the market very often anymore. They have both slimmed down and look great. The market is always packed. Their prices compete with the large supermarkets, they respond fast to their customers, they don't try to take advantage of their customers. We buy there all the time.

Do you have a partner or a drainage system? You know.
 

Snuffy

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I do have to say that AZB's girlfriend is incredible. Be careful buddy. Someone may try and grab her.
 

Chirimoya

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My husband has always helped out the not so well-off members of his family. There has never been the slightest hint that I am expected to do this.
 

helpmann

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miguel said:
I don't care about any other nationalities, I know that it happens all over the globe and Mars but since this site is to talk about the DR, I thought I keep it DR related.

Are you kidding me?. What responsabilities one has with a spouse's family other than making then aware that you will threat him/her with love, care and respect and that the two of you will take care of YOUR responsabilites before worrying about anybody else's problems?.

In case you don't know, the "when you marry someone, you marry the whole family" saying, has a different meaning in the DR and in the US.
Are you kidding me with all of this "you and me baby" and no one else crap! Nobody can be this short-sighted, not even a Dominican senior-citizen. At least be man enough to find out what your (and her) obligations are before getting married.

-Helpmann :rolleyes:
 
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Mirador

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The DR is still far from becoming an individualistic society where members are encouraged to only fend for themselves, and financially insolvent members are institutionalized or encouraged to 'pass away peacefully' so as to not become a 'burden' to 'productive' individuals... DR society still cultivates a spirit of cooperation and reciprocity, at the level of family and relatives...

-
 

miguel

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Not at all!

Snuffy said:
Miguel, you're just trying to stir the pot. Sitting at home bored today huh? Okay, so am I.


Let me tell you the story of a Dominican I know who lives nearby. He and his wife started this colmado about 6 years back. They worked side by side from sunup to sundown. I would always see them in there sweating, tired, out of shape from the work and no needed exercise routine. Just work work work. But they were strong together. Got to admire that man and woman. Because another woman might had balked at all this hard work. She looked so tired all the time. I admired the hard work. Today, that colmado is a small market, it functions like a machine, every employee knows his job and works hard at it. The husband and wife...now just purchased a new and very large Mercedes. They are not at the market very often anymore. They have both slimmed down and look great. The market is always packed. Their prices compete with the large supermarkets, they respond fast to their customers, they don't try to take advantage of their customers. We buy there all the time.

Do you have a partner or a drainage system? You know.
Stir the pot, what pot?. We do not to go far away to see this problem/situation, this site if full of it.

I am not saying that everybody who marry down can not advance in life. It would be a bumpy road but SOME can advance. But the road WILL be bumpier if, from off the bat, you are expected to help his/her family at the same time you are trying to advance. All I am saying is why marry down knowing full well that it there are a whole bunch of people that are expecting you to help them.

Your colmado story is not rare. There are MANY people that have advanced with hard work. This is not what I am talking about.

Please, do not get me wrong, I am all for helping people and if you know a little bit about me, you will know that it's a joy for me to help people. But only when I want to and when I see that it's needed, not because someone expects me to.
 
Jan 3, 2003
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So what! That shows the girl cares about her family, you cheapskate Miguel. Whats a couple of extra hundred dollars a month. This will help her family survive. Before you go bad mouthing what you interprete as vagos, look at the ****ty jobs in the DR and what they pay. Why do you think there are 2 million haitians there? It's a job only a haitian would do.
 

Snuffy

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A couple hundred a month is probably overboard. But if you can afford it, go ahead. I like the other guys idea of having them work for it. But in the case of old family members a small stipend would be fine.
 

miguel

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Jul 2, 2003
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Again!

helpmann said:
Are you kidding me with all of this "you and me baby" and know one else crap! Nobody can be this short-sighted, not even a Dominican senior-citizen. At least be man enough to find out what your (and her) obligations are before getting married.

-Helpmann :rolleyes:
The only obligation that the two of you(in general) have should be to each other. Nothing more. You are abliged to me, I am obliged to you. You are my responsability, I am your responsability. Her/his family should be secondary. Nothing wrong with saying "let's take care of each other first and then let's see IF we can help your family later and only if they deserve it..Trust me, they will not die since they managed to survive before the "cash machine" came into their lives.

See, the thing that you are not seeing is that I think that it's ok to help people when you see that they need your help. The thing that I don't agree with is helping someone because you are expected to or because they are putting pressure on you.

I am not saying that when you marry down, that you are, ALL the time, expected to give a "hand down". Of course not. There are MANY poor people that are proud and would never, ever ask anybody for help.
 

helpmann

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Communication

miguel said:
The only obligation that the two of you(in general) have should be to each other. Nothing more. You are abliged to me, I am obliged to you. You are my responsability, I am your responsability. Her/his family should be secondary. Nothing wrong with saying "let's take care of each other first and then let's see IF we can help your family later and only if they deserve it..Trust me, they will not die since they managed to survive before the "cash machine" came into their lives.

See, the thing that you are not seeing is that I think that it's ok to help people when you see that they need your help. The thing that I don't agree with is helping someone because you are expected to or because they are putting pressure on you.

I am not saying that when you marry down, that you are, ALL the time, expected to give a "hand down". Of course not. There are MANY poor people that are proud and would never, ever ask anybody for help.
All I'm saying is know what you're obligations are BEFORE getting married (or having babies.) When I say "know," I don't mean some abstract feeling of duty or honor, I mean ASK THE GIRL, ASK THE FAMILY, determine if they're telling you the truth or telling you lies, then decide if you're comfortable going forward.

You plan to marry a girl, whose mother, father, and brother make a combined US$2.00/hr and you don't bother to ask if they going to need money. Hell, you better figure out how much and for how long quick, then decide if "Maria" is really all that special.

Regardless, even in the US, I couldn't imagine a future husband and wife NOT discussing their expected roles for the next 5-10 years. Believe me, I don't think "my future wife" would be all that thrilled, if I abruptly quit my job the day after the marriage ceremony and told her that she was going to be doing the supporting for both of us.

-Helpmann :)
 
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miguel

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Claro!

AZB said:
Look at how everyone married to a dominicana start their post "my wife is from a poor family / background....". Almost 95% of expats always marry a woman who is from a poor background. No wonder they have to deal with all the problems that comes with the package.
I say, if you are old and looking for a young wife then be prepared to pay high cost of maintaining her. Now if the guy is fairly young and handsome then he should have no problem finding a girl from a self sufficient family. Santiago is full of people who are self sufficient ex: 2 cars at home, living in a good sized well built home, university educated and professionals at work. These are the people who run this country and believe me, they are in a huge number, not the 3% that people talk about. If a girl hits me with her problems, I simply dump her. I know, all her problems have only one solution "money".
I take pride in myself, I would never marry a girl who is a begger.
AZB
Correct.

I am nothing to brag about but I really do not care how goodlooking and how nice a woman and her family are, if I have to inherit her and her family's problems/hardships, I will run as if my axx was on fire. As simple as that.
 

Chris

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I'm amazed .. don't you all have your own money? In our household we have 'his' money, 'my' money and 'our' money. (It is a moot point that 'he' manages 'my' money just 'cause he does it better than I.) Surely if you are married to a spouse with a family in need, your spouse has to have the ability to help independently in terms of what is affordable, and the burden does not need to be on the relationship? Don't people actually manage their lives?
 

miguel

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I am getting you!

helpmann said:
All I'm saying is know what you're obligations are BEFORE getting married (or having babies?) When I say "know," I don't mean some abstract feeling of duty or honor, I mean ASK THE GIRL, ASK THE FAMILY, determine if they're telling you the truth or telling you lies, then decide if you're comfortable going forward.

You plan to marry a girl, whose mother, father, and brother make a combined US$2.00/hr and you don't bother to ask if they going to need money. Hell, you better figure how much and for how long quick, then decide if "Maria" is really all that special.

Regardless, even in the US, I couldn't imagine a future husband and wife NOT discussing their expected roles for the next 5-10 years. Believe me, I don't think "my future wife" would be all that thrilled, if I abruptly quit my job the day after the marriage ceremony and told her that she was going to be doing the supporting for both of us.

-Helpmann :)
I understand, now, what you are saying but don't forget that MANY of these guys DO NOT have a lot of time to invest in a relationship. SOME are so fascinated with a person's niceness that they seemto throw the "let's get to know each other better" out the window.

Yes, I also say ALL the time that one is supposed to get to know a person REAL WELL before jumping into any type of relantionships. The better you know the person, the better the relationship will be.

Now, if you are courting a girl "whose mother, father and brother makes a combined US2.00/hr", in my book, there's not need to ask her if they will need money, I would run faster than Carl Lewis!. In situations like that, there's only two things to do, move on or stay knowing that you will be supporting a whole family!. Common sense should tell a person to move on but we all know that MANY do not use their common sense.