Pretty girl and usted

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Adrian Bye

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Jul 7, 2002
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I was going to take a pretty girl out the other night. We'd spoken a couple of times over the past few days, and had friendly conversations. I was going to pick up her and one of her friends.

As I was calling for directions, the conversation went like this (the conversation was in spanish):

Her: "So, USTED should turn left at the light"

Me: "Please, use tu, not usted.."

Her: "Ok.. And then USTED should turn right"

Me: "hey, you know I'm Australian and we're very informal.. using USTED makes me uncomfortable, please use TU"

Her: "Ok.. So then USTED should go straight"

Me: "Look, I really don't like this.. If you can't use tu with me, I don't think we should go out"

Her: "Well, I use USTED with everyone.. Its just how I am"

Me: "Well, I'm only comfortable going out with you if you're comfortable being more informal"

Her: "Sorry, this is how I am"

Me: "Ok, well, I'm going to have to cancel for tonight, sorry".

I really don't like this formality. So for people living here a long time in the bigger cities.. Am I missing the point somehow?

Adrian
 
A

AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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As I'm sure you know using usted shows respect especially if you are older.

Could it be that she doesn't want to get familiar enough to call you "tu" till she knows you better?
 
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tee

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Sep 14, 2007
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This obviously seems lke a very polite girl and possibly has a decent eduaction. I would not get upset with a girl for saying this when you are just getting to know each other. Many countries have the same form until you get to know somebody much better. So go with the flow, you might not like formality, but many people here do. It certainly does not mean that the girl is not interested in you...do not knock her for how she was raised. There are so many girls in this country that are too friendly, if you know what I mean...so give it another chance.
 
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Chirimoya

Well-known member
Dec 9, 2002
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Is she much younger than you? Either that or its a distancing device. I also find it exasperating when people around the same age insist on using usted.
 
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Kyle

Silver
Jun 2, 2006
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i've found this to be true in other spanish speaking countries as well. my problem not being a fluent speaker is when i get the "go ahead" to say "tu" instead of usted.

then i'm really confused....
 
R

Rocky

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Apr 4, 2002
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A.Hidalgo said:
I'm scratching my head on this one.:confused:
Click to expand...
I admit that canceling the date because of it, might seem a bit extreme, but I wouldn't be that comfortable with a chica calling me usted all the time either.
It would demonstrate to me that she thinks I'm too old for her, IMHO.
So it would be of little use to pursue a relationship that has no potential.
 
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A.Hidalgo

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Apr 28, 2006
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Rocky said:
I admit that canceling the date because of it, might seem a bit extreme, but I wouldn't be that comfortable with a chica calling me usted all the time either.
It would demonstrate to me that she thinks I'm too old for her, IMHO.
So it would be of little use to pursue a relationship that has no potential.
Click to expand...

It may go back to what Chirimoya said....and he could not figure this out.:ermm:
 
V

Victor Laszlo

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Aug 24, 2004
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Rocky said:
I admit that canceling the date because of it, might seem a bit extreme, but I wouldn't be that comfortable with a chica calling me usted all the time either.
It would demonstrate to me that she thinks I'm too old for her, IMHO.
So it would be of little use to pursue a relationship that has no potential.
Click to expand...
True enough, but according to the OP we're talking a couple of days acquaintance here, not weeks or months. And it sounds like this was a first date. Maybe she felt he was rushing things with the 'tu'.
 
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M.A.R.

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Feb 18, 2006
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Chirimoya said:
Is she much younger than you? Either that or its a distancing device. I also find it exasperating when people around the same age insist on using usted.
Click to expand...

It could be both reasons but in the DR its mostly used by a younger person towards an older person. In that case he didn't have to cancel the date, just wait and get to know her and for her to feel more comfortable, especially if she's really young. This guy must be an amateur in the DR.:ermm:

oh forgot maybe he wanted a more experienced chica.
 
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Chirimoya

Well-known member
Dec 9, 2002
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You express respect by the way you treat a person, not with grammar!

This sounds like a classic case of the 'passive-aggressive' use of usted. If she really wanted to show respect to the OP because he was older, she should have done what he asked her to do. If she was using usted because she didn't know him well enough, it was disrespectful of her to reject his request that she make him feel more comfortable.
 
L

LarrySpencer

Guest
I've got to tell you, Adrian...

You said that you have had several conversations with this girl over the past few days...did she use the whole "Usted" thing during all of those conversations? Was she speaking in Spanish the entire time, or only when she said, "Usted?"

Is she used this during the entire few days that you spoke, then why did you agree to go out with her? If it was a new thing, then I would be a bit more concerned.

Otherwise, be careful what you are throwing away...chances are that if this one at least had the sense to use Usted instead of tu right away, then you can bet that she might be worth having around a little more than someof the bimbos who just straight to tu, straight to your bed, straight to your wallet, etc....
 
J

johne

Silver
Jun 28, 2003
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Well, look at that bright side-she didn't call you "poppy", "papa" or "gramps"
 
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planner

.............. ?
Sep 23, 2002
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Maybe Adrian needs to accept that he is in her country and not the other way around. He needs to adapt, not her.

Maybe this is how she was brought up? Maybe for her this is normal and she won't be familiar until she is more comfortable?

Then again maybe she is way younger or maybe "just not that into you"!
 
A

Adrian Bye

Bronze
Jul 7, 2002
2,077
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Thank you all for your responses.

Some answers:

I'm 35, she's 24, maybe 25. In the DR, thats a pretty close range. She's a high calibre girl working in a good job. With absolute respect, most posters in this thread probably haven't spent time with a Dominican girl like her. And, I'd probably not be considered an amateur here in the DR. :)

We were mostly speaking in english, and in the limited spanish we spoke, I didn't catch that she was using usted. We got along well, she did want to go out with me. I chose to cancel.

I may have overreacted, but this situation just made me uncomfortable. I want to learn how to manage this if it happens again. I don't like people using Usted with me.

Chiri, your comment about the "passive/aggressive" use of usted feels like its the most accurate. How would you normally handle someone wanting to use Usted all the time like this?

Everyone, please keep your comments coming, they're interesting! HB - what is your opinion?

Adrian
 
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