Cultural Differences!

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sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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What people forget is that this is a very different culture. They/We come in and try to interpret local behaviours from our set of cultural ideas. This just doesnt work!


Here are some basic differences:

Many dominican men are polygamous. Some men have 3 or more women with kids who they support and sometimes more they see on the side secretly. It really doesnt seem to be a big deal. In the lower classes marriages rarely seem to be formalized. Many women have multiple boyfriends but it is kept a big secret and is considered slutty.

North Americans believe in one man one woman and anything else is "evil". Even the idea of casually dateing two women isnt considered acceptable.

Dominicans have color that are very difficult for them to transend. Marrying up in color is a big deal. Straight hair is a really big deal. First question grandma asks: pelo bueno o pelo malo (sorry about my spelling)

White North Americans do not usually spend a lot of time checking the precise skin tone of future spouses. Imagine discussing exactly how white your girlfriend is? Is it permi-tan? clear? translucent? or if her hair is curly or straight.

Dominicans have a loose class system based on family name, skin color, and money. Some guy who makes it big is still low class even if he drives a 100KUS jeepeta and everyone knows it. Those who live here can spot them from 100m away

Dominicans value loyalty more than honesty. This does NOT mean that they dont value honesty. It is just that when the conflict comes between the two dominicans will choose to be loyal rather than honest. Additionally, dominicans will deny an obvious truth in the interest of being loyal. You can see this after any traffic accident.

Dominicans are a clannish, community-based people who are VERY attached to family, neighborhood, and hometown. Family importance is pretty obvious here. Dominicans leagues in NYC form baseball teams by hometown in the DR. Dominicans who have lived 25 years in santo domingo still are considered local to the town they were born in and must return there to vote. It is rare to find a dominican who moves from one town to another (excluding city migration). If they do you have to wonder why? did they have problems in the last town? Although it would be second generation now, note that towns like sosua and cabereta are largely populated by people who just up and moved there.

There are many many more but this post is long enough already. Try to see how these differences can drastically change your perception of relationships here.

Disclaimer:

This is NOT a complaint about dominicans this is some of my observations on the cultural differences between how i was raised and where i live now. I love this country and its people. This place is my home and I CHOOSE to live here. Many but not all of these differences i have also adopted as my own as well

My observations are based almost entirely on life in one small town. I would expect santiago/santo domingo to be different. please post your observations

Comments/disagreements are welcomed. if you have been here twice on vacation to an AI, dont bother.
 

Robert

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Jan 2, 1999
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The dominican republic has a class system and visitors are really only exposed to the lowest classes only. The middle and upperclasses have little interest or time to waste chasing around dreamy eyed tourists. Most of them would consider it shameful/slutty to be seen walking around with a tourist in public.

100% correct, couldn't have put it better myself.

I always get a chuckle out of some of the stuff people post on here.
Why is it that the people that live and work in the DR and have integrated all sing the same song? Because that's how it is, we know because we live and breath it every day, some of us have been living and breathing it for many years here.

A perfect example is someone I know that once lived in Sosua and moved to Santo Domingo to live and work amongst Dominicans. That person was blown away with how little they knew about the DR and how things "really" work. When they went back to Sosua to visit, all of a sudden so many things made sense.

I'll say it again, most expats and 99% of tourists are pretty clueless how many aspects of this country really work. Fact!

Most expats don't need more than one hand to count their Dominican friends. Fact!

I have lost count of the amount of single girls (all classes) I know that have "patrocinadores" (sponsors) married men that look after them. Fact!

I would guess that 75% of the Dominican guys that I know (all social classes, married and dating) have girlfriends, some more than one. Fact!

sjh, excellent post, you are spot on with your observations. Fact!
 

Musicqueen

Miami Nice!
Jan 31, 2002
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I think Shad has hit the nail on the head with his observations...more so...when there is a language barrier, ALL of these differences in culture are aggravated 1000 times more...

Hey, my husband and I have known each other for almost 3 years now, and I still have trouble with some of those differences...and we SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!!!!
 

Alyonka

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Jun 3, 2006
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Yes, it is very interesting to read how much most developing countries have in common. Polygamous men, close families and friends, etc. I grew up in a very similar environment and lived in it for 21 years until I came to the US and got spoiled. My father lived with several women and had 5 children total with a few of them (well, the ones I know of ;)). Women who live with such men know what is going on and in a lot of cases are actually friends with their other girlfriends. And, yes, my family and friends did not want to see me dating a foreigner (American man who became my husband). Most women where I used to live do it for money. There are a lot of con artists in my former country unfortunately. I guess that is why this subject is bothering me quite a bit.

Thanks!
 

sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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I saw a fascinating article the other day and i wish i still had the link. I think it was from a psychology journal. I will quote/paraphrase as best i can:

It is often better for a woman to have a half, one third, or even a tenth of a successful man than to have the full share of one poor man.

Being a man, i had never really thought about polygamy from that point of view but it makes sense. Lets say you are a poor but attractive woman and you get picked up by some guy who will support you at 15K a month. Thats a heck of a lot better than shareing a 7K salary with some loser.

I know of several men who when they pick up a new concubine, they build them a nice house to go with the deal.
 

Musicqueen

Miami Nice!
Jan 31, 2002
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Any woman who settles for half, one third, or even a tenth of a man, whether he is successful or not, can build them a house or not, has no self respect, self esteem or dignity...in any country!!!!

I feel very strongly about this subject...I'm gonna shut up now!!!!:tired:
 

Alyonka

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Jun 3, 2006
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Well, I personally never cared if he has a lot of money and if he builds me a house. I have my own. But, yes, I would rather be with someone who is successful, intelligent and fun especially if I truly love him in addition than be with some guy just because he is nice and faithful. That is why I got along with the Dominican man I was dating just fine.
 

sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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Alyonka, Musicqueen: you are a successful woman with a future, that makes a big difference.

If you are a woman with no cash, no education, and no property and live in a country largely populated by men who are not finacailly stable you might feel differently.

Now you meet some nice charming man who is willing to set up a long term relationship.....

I see lots of girls here who are just looking for someone responsible to be attached to. even if they have to share him. There are maybe 20 "good" girls here to every one responsible man. even $$ issues aside, It makes a huge competion. why would you even want to bother spending time with the losers?

and please dont shut up, I havent had a good arguement with you for years :)
 

Alyonka

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You know I actually don't bother compeating with any of these girls. I did not bother doing it when I lived in a developing country either. I never needed this crap in my life - too many other more interesting things to do. But what I noticed about those successful men - they don't want poor needy girls either. They are the ones who want a successful woman with career, cash and education. Because to be with someone like that is REALLY good for their ego. They hate paying for sex. All men do. They want to be loved for who they are just the same way anyone else does.
 

sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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All men pay for sex. The only difference is the number of vendors and the price :)

It isnt always about ego, sometimes it is just the simple urge to mate/procreate. So much of what we all do is based deep down on biological urges that are hardwired into us.
 

Sholly24

I'm an athiest loving Obama fan!
Mar 5, 2006
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...........But what I noticed about those successful men - they don't want poor needy girls either. They are the ones who want a successful woman with career, cash and education. Because to be with someone like that is REALLY good for their ego. They hate paying for sex. All men do. They want to be loved for who they are just the same way anyone else does.

I am not sure whether you read that in a book or based on your observation but either way you couldn't be more wrong.

Look, almost men are visual people and emotions are based on what we see. Why is it that a man will see a womans 'assets' and he is instantly ready?. For the majority of men, sex is the same as love. It is as simple as that. A career woman with too much cash and education is usually a problem for most men. Go and ask the ones that are married to these type of women and listen to them complain. They hate paying for sex?. You must be a joker!. The only men that hate paying for sex are men that do not have the money otherwise you pay one way or the other. So when you go out with a man, do you pick up the tab ?.

Most men do not need love. We just need the woman to take a nice position when needed and all will be well. If my GF told me she loves me, I would start to develop a headache. I don't need her to love me. All she needs is to follow ' instructions' and all will be well. To follow ' instructions' is to love. She is also free to go whenever she likes. I will get another one.

The problem with most women is that they daydream too much instead of them to face reality. That is why they keep falling in love with these AI bartendars and animation team members. Men are realists.

Where did you read all these from?. You really have no clue about what some of these successful men have hidden in the closets.

Sholly
 

Alyonka

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Jun 3, 2006
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I mostly listen to my friends and people I meet. Everyone is so different. People on this forum are mostly the ones who just assimilated in a third world environment, they were not born in it. They are proud of what they have achieved by adjusting and assimiliating their western psychology to the developing country. Westernes who come to the country where I used to live also start writing books about their experience. This is good. I was born in a third world country and grew up there. It was very difficult for me to get adjusted to the "rules" of the US at first. That is what is different between me and expats who post here.

And, yes, some men do care if a woman loves them or not. They actually want affection, attraction and emotion once in a while, not just sex. Dominican men I know - do, otherwise I would not be talking to them. I don't like shallow people.
 

sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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Men do want to be loved too, but our needs and how they are met are very different than that of women.

Women are often looking for some sense of security in a relationship, Especially a woman looking to raise a family. Because a woman can only "use" one man at a time to have a family there is no desire need to have multiple partners.

I think men are looking for a partner who will take care of them, make a home and be a companion physically to them. One successful man can easily fulfil the physical needs of 20+ women if he is willing to put up with that kind of headache and $$ commitment.

The whole concept of male monogamy (monotony?) is a very new idea. It is mostly a European concept and has only been practiced for a few hundred years. Even then it is only true on the surface. The vast majority of the world practices polygamy.

Forcing men into a mold that we dont fit into has resulted in a divorce rate so high as to make a complete mockery of marriage.
 

MaineGirl

The Way Life Should Be...
Jun 23, 2002
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Cold hard fact of living here. The equation is so different than US. I actually don't mind the way it works because it is much easier to operate when you know how things work.

Now consider my case, I am an educated woman who is young and I have no kids, and still am reasonably attractive. I live in a small Dominican town for about a month now.

Two marriage proposals by kids who are 20 and drive pasolas.

Several married Dominicans giving me the eye and "want to play" chatter.

One annoying conchista who follows me around telling me how hot I am, looking me up and down. I have yet to shake him but the response to allll so far has been: Causa perdida!!!

It's not a lost cause because I am not interested in men, it is just too hard for my American-wired brain to change in a month. And let me tell you there are no educated single 30 year olds in this town. Well, yes there are. There are two and I suspect they are gay, at least they act very gay and walk around town with older women laughing and giggling. And I have no problem with gays it is just to prove that men here hook up young and keep looking later.

The US model does not exist: nice guy meets nice girl and settle down for "relationship". It just isn't like that in my observation of my new town so far. I have met lots of nice men my age but they have 20 year old wives and babies. American me says, no thanks.

Thank goodness I am not here for a relationship--but work! It gives me something to focus on.
 

planner

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Sep 23, 2002
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Having been here for almost 4 years, single and dating - I can tell you Alyonka that you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. NONE - zero.....

SJH however calls it pretty much like it is.

There are very very few men even remotely close to my age who are single, divorced or widowed. There are many many men who approach me regularly, across the age range, almost all in relationships or married who are looking to add me to their personal list. I live in a tourist area so I also get every "younger" guy hitting on me - he is looking for someone to support him, get him out of here and to have "whiter" babies with.

The reality of finding a self supporting, unmarried successful man NOT put off by a self secure female - not great! Takes time to get to know them and find out who they are. And most of the time it is by introduction by mutual friends.

Contrary to what Alyonka says - succesful men LOVE to have a young hottie on their arm. Do you think for one heartbeat that they have these girls because they are successful and smart or well spoken? NOT. They are bought and paid for. And the girls know it and accept it. I am not judging it. If it works for all parties involved fine - just isn't for me. I don't care what they do. And I don't sit in judgement of it. It has been going on here and elsewhere for eons.
 

Alyonka

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Why do you people think that someone who is young and hot cannot also be smart and well spoken? Do these two have to contradict each other? The girls I met (some of them Dominican actually) who were with or married a successful man had at least a college degree. They did not have to work for living, but they could behave and talk properly with the man, his friends and his family. He would not introduce some dummy to any of his freinds that is for sure.
 

planner

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Sep 23, 2002
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I didn't say they were not smart! Read the post darlin.... They in fact might be but that is NOT the attribute for which they are chosen.......

And many of these men do have "dummies" as you refer to them. They act polite in public but can't put an intelligent conversation together if they had to. But these men are not interested in talking.....LOL

Again please note I said - many - not all. There are of course exceptions. But then you would have to actually spend time here to know this, now wouldn't you.
 

sjh

aka - shadley
Jan 1, 2002
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Some men like dumb women, some like smart women. They all like attractive women. Very few men walk around with a smart ugly women and brag about it to everyone.
A man with a dumb beautiful woman will say "look at my beautiful woman".

A man with a smart beautiful woman will say "look at my beautiful woman, and she is smart too"
 
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