Domestic Abuse

planner

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Sep 23, 2002
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While this is not an issue solely about the Dominican Republic, I felt it was necessary to write this.

Women come to this country and fall in love with dominican men. I don't want to get into whether it is real, or sankied or the reasons, suffice it to say it happens constantly.

Because of the cultural differences - the abuse can be more prevalent and maybe different in nature. Again I am not really interested in debating this - other then to say - in many cases the woman is considered a possession of the man, that he is in charge and he makes the decisions.

I have recently seen the results of a couple of abusive situations.

Really what I want to do is warn these women -please get out. Do not stand for it. You don't deserve it - EVER. Go somewhere else. Go to another city. Go home. Just get out before it escalates.

When I first came here - I had an incident. Once I got out of that area, I was fortunate to have the assistance of a longtime DR1 poster. He helped me and I will always appreciate it. BUT, I knew to get the hell out. That is the first step. Then go find some help. OR, know where you can go for help ahead of time.

Like I said, I have seen 2 instances recently - unfortunately both just stick around thinking it will change, he will get better, he won't do it again. Both are intelligent, well educated women. I hate to see this continue!
 

Musicqueen

Miami Nice!
Jan 31, 2002
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Planner...maybe you should start some sort of 'clinic' or 'half-way house' for these women...This sort of thing happens even here in the states, with all that's available to women for help, but some women just don't know who to turn to ...I can imagine it's even worst over there...without knowing the language and customs and all...

It irks me to no end when I hear about situations like this...I don't think I could EVER stay with a man that abused me...not even verbally...

But, unfortunately, some women think nothing of it...and if these women are foreigners and don't know any better, they think it's natural for their Latino men to act this way and therefore don't question it...they think they should just take it or the guys would leave...

Very unfortunate...but you are a pioneer, and maybe this is your calling in life...

Just a thought...
 

Chris

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Oct 21, 2002
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www.caribbetech.com
I've seen two instances of this in the DR, both gringas and dominican men ... one was a middle aged, attractive and creative woman. The other was a younger woman, beautiful and talented. Both these women were devastated in these relationships, but they stayed too long - because 'I love him so much', and 'He will change'. One went home with her bank account zeroed, her family alienated and her own self-esteem hammered to nothing. The other one lost the regard of her only child, lost her job, lost her property and almost lost her life.
 

AK74

On Vacation!
Jun 18, 2007
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Exactly for this reason I am always so much surprised seeing WOMEN moving to Dominican Republic from USA where they are totally in charge and in control of everything (sorry for men though...)
 

Ladybird

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Dec 15, 2003
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Exactly for this reason I am always so much surprised seeing WOMEN moving to Dominican Republic from USA where they are totally in charge and in control of everything (sorry for men though...)

Im sorry to say that I have also witnessed this on a few occasions but not only Dominican men towards both gringas and Dominican women, but once a gringo onto a Dominican girl and only the other day another gringo onto a Dominican girl. I disagree with you AK, it is prevalent in the USA.
Good informative thread Planner.
 

Lambada

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Mar 4, 2004
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Just for balance here, over the past two plus years I have been listening to 3 expat women all at one time resident in DR, two still are, who suffered violence at the hands of their expat partners. Five years ago I was advising the expat employer of an expat woman whose expat husband was thumping the living daylights out of her. Some expat couples actually move here with one partner thinking things will 'change'. Sure they will - they'll get worse. The advice is the same regardless of nationality of course. Just didn't want anyone to think there aren't abusive expat relationships here, right under our very noses. But.......where you have a co-dependent relationship nothing will make that woman leave until she herself wants to or is scared enough. Or in a box.
 

Chirimoya

Well-known member
Dec 9, 2002
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Maybe one idea would be to look into the facilities available to women who are being abused, and publish the information here, as well as legal information. These may be inadequate - as in the case of Miriam Brito whose multiple reports of abuse over 20 years were ignored, and she ended up getting her maid to kill her abusive husband - but they do exist.
 

whirleybird

Silver
Feb 27, 2006
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Really what I want to do is warn these women -please get out. Do not stand for it. You don't deserve it - EVER. Go somewhere else. Go to another city. Go home. Just get out before it escalates.

I could not agree more but have to say that this is not a DR problem - it exists the world over I believe in that nothing is so strong as the love a woman has for a man whatever his level of abuse.... so no woman should condone it but they do time and time again. I just consider myself very lucky that I have never been in that type of situation but know many that have.

I had not read Lambada's post before typing my thoughts above.
 
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Lambada

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OK - the facilities - I'll start & others can continue. The Fiscal will help. If it is an expat woman who wants to leave the country the Fiscal can be called upon to go in & get her out. Read website of Direcci?n Nacional de Atenci?n a V?ctimas de Violencia - addresses of different offices on here:
DependenciasVictimas

Phone numbers & addresses in a number of different towns here:
ContactoVictimas
 
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planner

.............. ?
Sep 23, 2002
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I absolutely agree this is definately not a problem of just this country. But it breakes my heart to see.

I like the idea of making a list of what help is available, of what the legal situation is etc.....

Thanks Lambada for getting the info started.

And again for some balance, I also know of a situation where the gringa is verbally and emotionally abusive to her dominican partner! It does go both ways.
 

KeithF

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Jul 9, 2006
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While accepting unquestionably that abuse of this type happens world wide and in simple terms, is NEVER excusable or acceptable, with a cross cultural relationship I think it must be that bit harder to get out of and easier to slip in to.

Broadly generalising physical abuse of a partner goes hand in hand with a drip-drip of destroying the person's self worth and self confidence. Where a relationship has involved a woman moving to be with her Dominican partner, she almost always will become more dependent upon the partner than if they had been in their own country. The culture, sometimes language, legal status all place her in a more dependent position, therefore, more vulnerable. Once self confidence and self worth have been eroded, then some people will accept the next stage of physical abuse. The amount of times the victim of the abuse says 'I deserved it' agghh!!! NO YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE NOBODY DOES!!!. I knew someone who would deliberately 'pick a fight' or 'burn his dinner' on a Friday night, because on a Friday he'd go for a beer with his friends before coming home, but with beer in him, he became abusive. She knew she'd get beaten up on a Friday night, so rather than 'try' and make everything 'perfect' because he'd still find 'something' that she hadn't done, she deliberately give him the excuse so she'd get it over and done with. It took her about 15 years before she finally put an end to it.

My advice is always, if it happens once something needs to change, preferably leave but at minimum the abuser must never drink again (or whatever identifiable trigger). If it happens again definitely leave or you will forever be abused.

If a 'way out' can be signposted in English via a forum like this then it could be very valuable.

As a PS, I tried to avoid gender because although male abusing female is the majority female abusing male is much more significant than many people would consider and usually harder to get help because there is a 'macho' image to overcome. Only this week I recorded a 'Protection of Vulnerable Adults' alert (PoVA-legal framework in the UK) where a disabled male was beaten up by his wife. He refuses to press charges, move out of the house have police or Social Work support and has "forgiven her" as it's "his fault" for becoming disabled. Very frustrating.
 

2LeftFeet

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Dec 1, 2006
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Many Dominican men have a problem in NYC when they come here. They attempt to bring their ways and it doesn't work. They can't understand why when their GF is "out of line" that they can't slap her around like they did back home.

They are in for a very rude awakening. Women here call the police. Women can go the shelters and women have support groups. Women can talk back. Women don't have to tolerate their nonsense like they did back home. Women have options. Women can leave.

The Dominicanas in the DR are VERY different than the Dominicanas in NYC. There is a huge difference but from my experience family does still matter and abuse still does exist. It's just ingrained that you should accept it. Your mother accepted, your grandmother accepted it and so should you.

Though it is changing.
 

planner

.............. ?
Sep 23, 2002
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Good post Keith! Thanks.

Once I have some additional legal information - next week - I will post it here.
 

AK74

On Vacation!
Jun 18, 2007
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Many Dominican men have a problem in NYC when they come here. They attempt to bring their ways and it doesn't work. They can't understand why when their GF is "out of line" that they can't slap her around like they did back home.

They are in for a very rude awakening. Women here call the police. Women can go the shelters and women have support groups. Women can talk back. Women don't have to tolerate their nonsense like they did back home. Women have options. Women can leave.

The Dominicanas in the DR are VERY different than the Dominicanas in NYC. There is a huge difference but from my experience family does still matter and abuse still does exist. It's just ingrained that you should accept it. Your mother accepted, your grandmother accepted it and so should you.

Though it is changing.

Poor Dominican ex-men coming to a "dream land" in search of better life.

Is there any amount of the green paper to adequately compensate for lost pride, dignity, independence and freedom of thought and actions?!
Those who were born and trained from their early age to be nice, speechless, politically correct, uncontesting and obedient - they can be ones.

But after being all life macho men, this type of change is not humanly possible, period.

For my humble mind a dominican man moving to a "developed" nation is equally ununderstandable like a NA woman moving to the Dominican Republic.
 

drloca

Silver
Oct 26, 2004
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The first refuge for battered women in Puerto Plata is being officially inaugurated next Monday.
sacandomelao: En Puerto Plata mujeres maltratadas tendrán su albergue

Although probably long overdue, that is great to see that things are moving in this direction with regard to domestic abuse and trying to assist its victims.

On the other hand, it is somwhat sad that this need exists but hopefully these women will get the help they need and have a second chance.

Thanks for the update Lambada.
 

rio2003

Bronze
Aug 16, 2006
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Abusive relationships in the DR

Because of the cultural differences - the abuse can be more prevalent and maybe different in nature. Again I am not really interested in debating this - other then to say - in many cases the woman is considered a possession of the man, that he is in charge and he makes the decisions.

Really what I want to do is warn these women -please get out. Do not stand for it. You don't deserve it - EVER. Go somewhere else. Go to another city. Go home. Just get out before it escalates.

I was fortunate to have the assistance of a longtime DR1 poster. He helped me and I will always appreciate it. BUT, I knew to get the hell out. That is the first step. Then go find some help. OR, know where you can go for help ahead of time.

Planner,

Thankyou so much for starting this thread as it is something very close to home for me and actually ties in with a posting I put on the "dating in the DR" thread.

A number of years ago I was living with a Dominican man who 9/10ths of the time was wonderful. Then that other 1/10th of the time he was like a different person - Jekyll and Hyde. Without going into too much detail there was abuse - verbal and physical, money stealing if he could, breaking items etc. He would then take off only to return anything from hours to days later begging forgiveness and crying.

At first I put up with it and thought it would improve but it didn't. If I didnt let him in he would smash the windows or door to get in. He actually was given the nickname "machetero" by the locals!

The landlord lived upstairs and ignored my calls for help, which is a very important point - very few Dominicans will step in to a domestic situation even if the woman is getting hurt. The police took him to jail twice and he was free the next day. I felt I had no one to turn to. On the third occasion the police took him they came back for me the next morning because my landlord had told them we were both fighting and I was sent to San Marcos prison for three days as well!!
It was totally untrue.

I just could not get away from him and my only way out was to return to my homeland. I sold everything and returned to the UK 4 years ago. Extreme measures, but I felt it was the only way to end what was a progressively dangerous situation. I had a job, two horses and for the most part, a great life.

I can't emphasise enough how alone I felt with no one to turn to. If there had been a source of help locally to turn to I would have contacted them like a shot and perhaps not have had to return to the UK. I didn't have this option though and just thank my lucky stars I did get out before I was hurt or worse.

I consider myself intelligent, able to use my common sense and as has been said by other posters "in control" of my life - but I never envisaged getting into a situation like the one I was in at that time.

Luckily it is behind me now and I still return to the DR with alarming regularity - it is and always will be "my home" - but it has made me extra cautious where relationships are concerned. Before anyone points out that this can and does happen anywhere in the world, I know that, but I think it is made more difficult where there are language and culture differences and where one of the parties is a long way from their country of origin and the family support network. I also know for a fact that a good many Dominican woman suffer beatings from their men but they suffer in silence - it is regarded as a private thing.

There have been a number of threads recently that have raised my awareness of issues in the DR and even though some make uncomfortable reading I am pleased I am able to learn more daily about this wonderful country and its people. I think this thread is both informative and will serve as a note of caution to anyone thinking about a live in relationship. Please be careful.

:cry:
 

mountainfrog

On Vacation!
Dec 8, 2003
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www.domrep-info.com
Government Help

Secretaría de Estado de la Mujer - OPMs y OMMs
mentions as one of its objectives:

> Ofrecer asesor?a legal, enfatizando en el conocimiento y la aplicaci?n de las leyes 24-97 y 55-97

(To offer legal advice, especially on knowing the application of the laws 24-97 and 55-97)

On the very website you can download a list of the 50 offices distributed all over the country (on provincial and municipal levels).

mountainfrog