Disillusioned and begging for help

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michellemandel

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Jan 6, 2006
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Please if anyone can help me before it's too late I would appreciate it. Here's my background:

-Have been together with a DR man for almost 3 years
-have been married almost 2
-have a 9 month old son with him (gorgeous)
-husband moved to toronto, canada to be with me almost 1 year ago
-he hates the weather (warned him about it)
-hates the people here (warned him about them)
-my husband is miserable and is threatening to move back home
-I am broke and working 6 days a week to make ends meet (spent lots of money on legal fees etc and to make him "happy"
-my husband has had a few jobs here and there but can't seem to keep any - he only wants to work with spanish speakers
-his english is passable - he was enrolled in ESL and lasted about 2 months but then got a job and quit - the job did not last and he does not want to go back to school
-he also has 3 kids back in DR (no surprise)
-he wants to make big money fast to support his kids and doesn't feel he can do that here b/c the gov't takes a lot of $
-he says he can get a bank loan there and start up a business? he's not sure what - he has no business experience

I forgot about this forum until I got an email from a newbie to the site.

I need some help. I don't want him to leave but I'm very depressed and think maybe it would be for the best. If he could find a decent job maybe that would change his mind. He has construction/renovation experience and is also an amazing bartender. If anybody can give me some advice or has a job connection in toronto I would be personally indebted to you. thanks
 
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Chris

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Oct 21, 2002
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Michelle, hang on a little. There are women on here with experience that will give you the straight story perhaps more by private mail than publically. I'm going to have your post transferred to the Mars and Venus forum.

Just for a start, care for yourself in two respects - No bank accounts in his name and nothing that he can sign to take anything and make sure that he does not take the little one against your wishes. He can find a decent job and can keep down a job. Ask yourself why he is not doing that and why you are doing all the work.
 
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AZB

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Jan 2, 2002
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This is so sad. These women just fall in love with a man who has no real working experience, who hates working in the first place and who has no real education, then they take him to north america thinking he will fit in just fine and get along with his new life as if nothing has changed.
The real reason why this man wants to go back to dominican republic is because he is not getting laid by the women there. He was doing just fine back home. Now he has to sleep with you everyday, work in cold weather, a job that demands real performance, he speaks no english and he is not a killer stud with the latinas there. He wants to come back to his lazy life back home where he can go out at will and be with his girlfriends.
You north american women just don't get it. He married you to go to canada and pluck dollars from the tree. Now he is hit with the reality, he wants no piece of it.
AZB
 
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Ringo

On Vacation!
Mar 6, 2003
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Sorry to say that I agree with AZB. I would have been a little more kinder with my wording but is the same.

See a lawyer and get all papers done regarding child and divorce. Be generous. Take him to airport with one way ticket to D.R., ticket for him if he signs papers. If he does not sign, no ticket and leave him at airport.

Ringo
 
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liam1

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Jun 9, 2004
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AZB said:
...
The real reason why this man wants to go back to dominican republic is because he is not getting laid by the women there. He was doing just fine back home. Now he has to sleep with you everyday, work in cold weather, a job that demands real performance, he speaks no english and he is not a killer stud with the latinas there. He wants to come back to his lazy life back home where he can go out at will and be with his girlfriends...
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can anyone blame this man for wanting to go back? some things are more important in life than money, which he is not making anyway.

be honest with him and tell him things can not go on like this anymore. either he gets a job and helps you out or packs his bags and goes back solo. just make sure he can not take the kid away. it is better for you just to have to support one kid, instead for two.
 
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Matilda

RIP Lindsay
Sep 13, 2006
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I don't think it is just about the women you know. i would never ask my husband to live in England. He has been there 3 times on holiday and would go with me if I insisted on moving back there but it would kill him. It is not the weather, the work but he is Dominican through and through and loves his country. I get a little homesick sometimes and I miss my friends and family but his friends, family and country mean much more to him than mine do. 'Love' does not conquer all, and if he really wants to leave then let him go. Those of us who live here do because we love everything about this country more than the country we were living in before. Why should Dominicans be any different? Why should they love Canada or Uk or USA more than here? The only advantages these other countries have is the fact you can make more money, which they want to send home to help their families. And if they can't do that then why bother being there?

I don't think it is as cut and dried as AZB says. It not just that they are lazy or want sex with hundreds of Dominican girls. It that if there is no great reason (and unfortunately being with wife and kid is not good enough) for being apart from thsi country and their family and friends, then why bother??

Good luck to you. I hope you work it out one way or another.

Matilda
 
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Sholly24

I'm an athiest loving Obama fan!
Mar 5, 2006
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Difference between the head and the heart

AZB said:
This is so sad. These women just fall in love with a man who has no real working experience, who hates working in the first place and who has no real education, then they take him to north america thinking he will fit in just fine and get along with his new life as if nothing has changed.
The real reason why this man wants to go back to dominican republic is because he is not getting laid by the women there. He was doing just fine back home. Now he has to sleep with you everyday, work in cold weather, a job that demands real performance, he speaks no english and he is not a killer stud with the latinas there. He wants to come back to his lazy life back home where he can go out at will and be with his girlfriends.
You north american women just don't get it. He married you to go to canada and pluck dollars from the tree. Now he is hit with the reality, he wants no piece of it.
AZB
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That is the major difference between a man and a woman.

A woman will always continue to think with her heart while a man will always continue to think with his head.

Hopefully everything might still turn out okay with some good advice.

Rock, paper, scissors.......(and may I add?) heart and head.

Paper rules over scissors.........and head rules over heart.

Sholly
 
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Matilda

RIP Lindsay
Sep 13, 2006
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Sholly24 said:
A woman will always continue to think with her heart while a man will always continue to think with his head.
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And there was me thinking that women thought with head and heart and men with their d*cks!!

Mattie
 
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2LeftFeet

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Dec 1, 2006
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Marriage is a partnership. He's lived in your country for 1 year and it's not working out maybe you need to give it a go in the DR. If it doesn't work there or if you don't want to go there I think you have your answer.
 
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liam1

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Jun 9, 2004
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i think the fact that he was willing to leave his other 3 kids in DR and go with you to Canada should've told you about him more, and now that he is in Canada instead of working double shifts (whatever job he can get) to help you and possibly Western Union some money back home to help whoever is raising the other 3 kids, he just sits on his ass and complains about not fitting in. :eek:
 
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AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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liam1 said:
i think the fact that he was willing to leave his other 3 kids in DR and go with you to Canada should've told you about him more, and now that he is in Canada instead of working double shifts (whatever job he can get) to help you and possibly Western Union some money back home to help whoever is raising the other 3 kids, he just sits on his ass and complains about not fitting in. :eek:
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How about some helpful suggestions for work in the Toronto area instead of insulting opinions?

I think this is what the OP is asking for so any more insults at her or her husband will be deleted.
 
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liam1

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Jun 9, 2004
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AnnaC said:
How about some helpful suggestions instead for work in the Toronto area of insulting opinions?

I think this is what the OP is asking for so any more insults at her or her husband will be deleted.
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i said:

"be honest with him and tell him things can not go on like this anymore. either he gets a job and helps you out or packs his bags and goes back solo. just make sure he can not take the kid away. it is better for you just to have to support one kid, instead of two."
 
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Sholly24

I'm an athiest loving Obama fan!
Mar 5, 2006
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A good man always goes for the home-run

Matilda said:
And there was me thinking that women thought with head and heart and men with their d*cks!!
Mattie
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You are right about that. I missed the d*cks part but usually the women that are affected by it ain't complaining and are quite very happy and content so it is all good. What else do you expect?. It is a man's job to initiate the process and put things in gear and hopefully knows how to knock sh*t right out of the park for the rousing curtain closer.

Doing it the home-run style with all bases loaded.

Sholly
 
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Sdyent

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Apr 2, 2008
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From your post it seems the only thing he has given you in the 3 years is a child. He quit school and can't keep a job. Who cares what he wants to do...You should be looking at what he needs to do to make your family happy and whole.
I would suggest you run your credit and see if he has taken out any loans against your home, if you own, or your personal credit. Even a bank with loose lending practices wouldn't loan to a person with little time in the country, no steady employment and no business plan. I think it's safe to say there's no "big money fast" route...that's legal of course.
You know what you should do. File your papers, send him home, where he wants to be, move on with you life.
 
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Matilda

RIP Lindsay
Sep 13, 2006
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I wouldn't give up that easily. Number one he is trying to work but can't find a job he likes. I hope someone gives you some ideas on this board. Are there any other Dominicans near you? If he had some friends from home it might make him feel better. I know I have some English/US friends that are a lifeline when the going gets tough here. Could he come back to DR for a holiday? I think it might be an idea for you to think if you could come here as a family for a while. Try and talk - not a big thing for Dominican men - but maybe you could get through to him that neither of you are happy and together maybe you could sort it out. Sorry not to be able to give a magic answer.

Matilda
 
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suarezn

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Feb 3, 2002
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Is it possible for you guys to possibly go to The US instead? Maybe in some area where it is not as cold and where there are more latins (i.e. Miami). I can tell you from experience that even for people like me who have the skills it is tough adapting to life in this part of the world. Cold weather, lack of Dominican things, nothing to do on weekends (at least not the kinds of things you do in The DR), etc make it very hard.

My best friend and I were just discussing this over the weekend. We were talking about how we with three cars parked in the garage, money in the bank, etc...have nowhere to go on the weekend. Sure there are a few bars around, but all very boring and you come out of there smelling like you just smoked a pack of cigarettes.
 
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mamielizabeth

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Feb 9, 2008
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tough situation

Hi,,,
I have a friend who has brought her husband here not from the DR but from Cuba... He has been here a couple years and has had difficulty finding meaningful employment ,,, He has been working at a big hotel the 11-7 shift doing cleaning ,, its a perm position,,ok $ with benefits etc. He also is working with people who speak spanish so this is good having friends he can communicate with..Just an idea.
 
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margaret

Bronze
Aug 9, 2006
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Hi there, I'm sending you a PM with some phone numbers for construction jobs provided by another DR1 board member in Toronto. Some people here are interested in help newcomers, but he has to help himself.

Best of luck, it's very depressing not to have a job as it's really expensive here. I hope he'll go back to his ESL classes. Try LINC at Yonge/Eglinton run by the Toronto Catholic School Board.
 
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