Beach Etiquette: When is a Speedo Appropriate?
This is the last of my three Honeymoon-inspired posts and my ongoing effort to foster international understanding and good-will (the first two explored the sub-species of ?Loud Ugly Americans? and ?Chain-Smoking Europeans.?) However, I?m going to tell you right now that today?s topic is not for the faint of heart or easily offended. Regardless, it?s something that must be discussed if we are ever to curb the madness that masquerades as enlightened freedom in the Dominican Republic ? unattractive speedos and ill-shaped breasts on public beaches.
First, a quick test ? which of the following two pictures shows appropriate Speedo usage?
Ready? The answer is neither. Why? Because the man in the first photo is clearly better formed for more conventional swimming trunks or king-sized baggies and the three below just look gay. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking gay if, in fact, you are gay. But, if you?re not gay, you don?t want to look gay. Get it? This is not to disparage gays as I am an avid supporter of gay rights. However, if you?re straight, and especially if you?re single and hope to attract the attention of a woman, as a general rule you want to avoid appearing gay. Real men do not wear Speedos. The only exceptions to the Speedo rule are competitive swimmers and they are exempt only when training and competing.
Topless Sunbathing Etiquette
The next piece of beach etiquette (or ?breastiquette?) concerns topless women. Yes, many beaches are topless unless you?re sunning in the U.S. where we are still a bit puritanical, somewhat ashamed of the human body, and have stupid laws that require women to keep their breasts covered at all times except, of course, when attending the Indy 500 or a Motley Crue concert. For the rest of the world (obviously excluding Muslim countries?duh), including the Dominican Republic, it?s just not that big of a deal. However this, as with the aforementioned Speedo scenarios, does not mean that all women should feel free to ?hang loose?. Some women were just not meant to be topless in public. This is especially true of older European women who lost their form when Churchill and de Gaulle were still calling the shots or younger women whom God hopefully blessed with other talents or skills. Here, we are in sort of a pickle (try to stop thinking about the Speedos.)
1. If the woman is built like Pamela Anderson, everybody stares.
2. If she has pancakes like Michael Moore (sorry, didn?t want to offend a specific woman), everybody stares.
The only difference is the comments that other beach-goers whisper to each other under their breath. So, I?m sorry to say it, but keep the topless action to private areas and put your top on if you decide to take a stroll down the beach. Everybody will be happier, especially if the guy next to you is wearing trunks.
This concludes my honeymoon-inspired posts. I hope you?ve enjoyed reading them as much as I?ve enjoyed writing them as I sit here in my Speedo, smoking and being loud. Hey, I?m in the privacy of my own home. Isn?t my wife lucky? Don?t answer that, but please join me tomorrow for a funny story about a Dominican virgin.
Comments and criticism are always welcome. I have a feeling this one will receive a lot of both.
RHM
This is the last of my three Honeymoon-inspired posts and my ongoing effort to foster international understanding and good-will (the first two explored the sub-species of ?Loud Ugly Americans? and ?Chain-Smoking Europeans.?) However, I?m going to tell you right now that today?s topic is not for the faint of heart or easily offended. Regardless, it?s something that must be discussed if we are ever to curb the madness that masquerades as enlightened freedom in the Dominican Republic ? unattractive speedos and ill-shaped breasts on public beaches.
First, a quick test ? which of the following two pictures shows appropriate Speedo usage?
Ready? The answer is neither. Why? Because the man in the first photo is clearly better formed for more conventional swimming trunks or king-sized baggies and the three below just look gay. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking gay if, in fact, you are gay. But, if you?re not gay, you don?t want to look gay. Get it? This is not to disparage gays as I am an avid supporter of gay rights. However, if you?re straight, and especially if you?re single and hope to attract the attention of a woman, as a general rule you want to avoid appearing gay. Real men do not wear Speedos. The only exceptions to the Speedo rule are competitive swimmers and they are exempt only when training and competing.
Topless Sunbathing Etiquette
The next piece of beach etiquette (or ?breastiquette?) concerns topless women. Yes, many beaches are topless unless you?re sunning in the U.S. where we are still a bit puritanical, somewhat ashamed of the human body, and have stupid laws that require women to keep their breasts covered at all times except, of course, when attending the Indy 500 or a Motley Crue concert. For the rest of the world (obviously excluding Muslim countries?duh), including the Dominican Republic, it?s just not that big of a deal. However this, as with the aforementioned Speedo scenarios, does not mean that all women should feel free to ?hang loose?. Some women were just not meant to be topless in public. This is especially true of older European women who lost their form when Churchill and de Gaulle were still calling the shots or younger women whom God hopefully blessed with other talents or skills. Here, we are in sort of a pickle (try to stop thinking about the Speedos.)
1. If the woman is built like Pamela Anderson, everybody stares.
2. If she has pancakes like Michael Moore (sorry, didn?t want to offend a specific woman), everybody stares.
The only difference is the comments that other beach-goers whisper to each other under their breath. So, I?m sorry to say it, but keep the topless action to private areas and put your top on if you decide to take a stroll down the beach. Everybody will be happier, especially if the guy next to you is wearing trunks.
This concludes my honeymoon-inspired posts. I hope you?ve enjoyed reading them as much as I?ve enjoyed writing them as I sit here in my Speedo, smoking and being loud. Hey, I?m in the privacy of my own home. Isn?t my wife lucky? Don?t answer that, but please join me tomorrow for a funny story about a Dominican virgin.
Comments and criticism are always welcome. I have a feeling this one will receive a lot of both.
RHM
