What would you do?

whirleybird

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Feb 27, 2006
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I am looking for some good advice from those with far more experience here in DR than us? Our lovely house worker, Margo, has a beautiful niece who was 14 years old yesterday. She is a bright, intelligent girl but is happy not to return to school as she should because she has outgrown her school uniform and, more importantly prefers living here with her auntie, and her family won't or cannot afford to buy her new uniform. Do we buy her uniform on the understanding that she returns to school and a home she does not enjoy? Can we do something better for her without costing a fortune which we cannot afford? Suggestions welcome please.
 
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Chirimoya

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Dec 9, 2002
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Is there any way she can continue living with her aunt and go to a nearby school, with the uniform bought by you?
 
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apostropheman

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Education is important...I'm with Chiri. That way you could encourage her to attend and excel. :)
 

Colombiana

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I'm still very young and really not qualified to give advice but I'll tell you what I have learned from my parents, teachers and older people.
Someone has to take the time to illustrate or I should say, paint pictures in her mind as to how awful life can get to be when you're ignorant and unqualified to perform the most menial task. The less you know, the less you earn and the more trouble you'll have in life. Tell her that the key to lots of great clothes and happiness is through education. knowledge is power and you can get it only by learning in whatever way available.
 

bob saunders

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Am I correct in assuming Margo lives with you, and her niece lives in the Campo perhaps? She would rather live in your lovely house. Ask to see her in her old school uniform. I'm not saying it's the case but 14 year old girls(raised two of them) are highly manipulative and she may be just looking for new clothing.
 

whirleybird

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I think her school is too far for travel each day from her aunt's to be really viable but we could look into the possibility of her attending school closer I guess.

You may be young Columbiana but you speak wisely and I wish my Dominican Spanish was good enough to explain exactly your words to this young lady.
 

whirleybird

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Feb 27, 2006
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Am I correct in assuming Margo lives with you, and her niece lives in the Campo perhaps? She would rather live in your lovely house. Ask to see her in her old school uniform. I'm not saying it's the case but 14 year old girls(raised two of them) are highly manipulative and she may be just looking for new clothing.

Margo and her partner work for us and live in a small casita on our land (not in our house). I don't believe this girl is trying to be manipulative apart from trying to find a way to continue to live with her auntie and escape abuse she has been subjected to at 'home'.
 
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apostropheman

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I'd say your general choice is clear considering she'd otherwise have to return to an abusive "home...and I can't imagine you sending her back there knowing that
Margo and her partner work for us and live in a small casita on our land (not in our house). I don't believe this girl is trying to be manipulative apart from trying to find a way to continue to live with her auntie and escape abuse she has been subjected to at 'home'.
 

whirleybird

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I'd say your general choice is clear considering she'd otherwise have to return to an abusive "home...and I can't imagine you sending her back there knowing that

Seems you know me so well!!! Just trying to find a good way forward for this child who is just 14, going on 19!!
 

fightfish

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I also would suggest relocating her to her Auntie's, finding the local school for her to attend, and purchasing her uniform so that she can attend school. Of course, that's easy for me to say, but based on your question, I concur Chirimoya.
 

Colombiana

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No wonder.

Margo and her partner work for us and live in a small casita on our land (not in our house). I don't believe this girl is trying to be manipulative apart from trying to find a way to continue to live with her auntie and escape abuse she has been subjected to at 'home'.

I have been blessed by being provided with a good home and a good family that cares a great deal for me.
That has given me the opprtunity and desire to do my best.
I think that anyone has the capacity to excel given the right environment and opportunity.
If somehow you can provide for her, in any way, you may save her from a continued life of abuse. Please do what you can.
 

Chirimoya

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If the 'home' is abusive it means it is not so much that she wants to give up going to school, it's that she doesn't want to go back home. I really hope there is a school she can attend near you.
 

Lambada

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I suppose the first question I'd ask is does Margo want the responsibility of having this child permanently with her? And if she's 14 going on 19 has someone been through the birth control stuff because I doubt Margo could manage to work for you, take care of the niece and the niece's baby if one should appear (or maybe I'm reading more into 'abuse at home' &/or growing out of uniform than is there?). Or if none of that is around has someone considered what would be the rules governing boyfriends visiting her at Margo's home on your property?Then after that I'd look at the education possibilities.

I know what you're like for helping waifs & strays whirley, but the two legged bring more problems than the four legged................it's a big undertaking. Not saying it shouldn't be done but am saying that all the potential negatives need to be examined first. For example, what happens if something happens to Margo? Would it be expected that you take care of this child's medical etc expenses in the same way you do for your workers? Whole lot of questions like that to discuss with Margo first.
 

BushBaby

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And once you have the thoughts of Margot on the subject, maybe a long sit down with her AND the niece to find out what the niece wants to do. If attending school is made part of the agreement for staying with Margot, what happens if/when that agreement gets broken? If the niece does NOT want to return to school when she is staying with her Aunt, what does she do during the days & nights??

Sounds to me as though you have some fairly heavy investigating to do so that you can everyone gains by this possible move. Don't forget to ask the niece's parents their views on the subject too otherwise you might get accused of 'spiriting away a minor' or 'exploiting a child for work purposes'!! ~ Grahame.
 

J D Sauser

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Buying a "school uniform" is not a big deal... even thou you need to buy shoes, socks, sport shoes and two sets of pants or skirts and shirts, so one set can be worn while the other is being washed.
The bigger deal may be, that YOU will want to see her GOING to school IF you buy her any stuff for it, don't you?
Does she have the books and supplies? Does she have the money for the bus or concho ride? Can her family give her a sandwich and juice along so she won't starve during the break? Probably not because just the books and supplies cost more than the uniform.

Or are you ready to pick up on all the above too?

She might be going to public school and then, once you look at what she is or can be learning there, you might also ask yourself it is worth the cost of an uniform and wonder IF at all doing something, you'd better want to do something meaningful and put her into a school which can still give her a CHANCE in life (doesn't HAVE to be academic... but at least geared towards a real profession).

At 14 some of the local girls find themselves one year short of believing to be a WOMAN, with a whole different status and also the impression of knowing it all and having some more rights about taking decision... Would she embrace any CHANCE you would offer her? 14 can be a stupid age...

What should you do? I can't say. But I think you should follow your heart but not excluding what your brain commands you. IF you choose to consider to take the step, first build up a relationship with the girl in question and see if she is genuinely interested in give her all for a better future. If not, you may soon feel like you threw money at a fire and it may deteriorate your relationship with your employee.
NEVER offer money, NEVER give them money so they can pay for such and such. YOU will NEED to take control of the whole process and dedicate time, again IF you choose to do it.

When paying for it ALL (a decent school which only makes about less than half of the total, books, after school home work classes unless you can dedicate the time, transportation, lunch or break snack and the proper clothing) you may be looking at 1500 to 1800 USD a year!



... J-D.
 
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bob saunders

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J D Sauser;671150 NEVER offer money said:
Very good advice, very close to what mt Dominican wife would give. A Commitment from the girl and the aunt, you pay most but not all, but no money into the girls hands or the aunt's. receipts for everything, constant feedback to check her commitment...etc.
 

michela0022

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I agree 100% with the advice being given by the others. A fourteen year old is a huge responsibility especially if she thinks she is already grown up. You said she is happy that she doesn't have to return to school because her uniform doesn't fit. Shouldn't she be upset not returning to school. Maybe I miss understood, but look long and hard into this matter. You could end up being fully responsible for this child financially for the next couple of years. Please don't get me wrong, if this child is indeed being abused at home she needs to be taken away from that environment but you need to have strick rules and a perfect understanding with Margo and her partner on what you will provide for the child. GOOD LUCK
 

anitaemma

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Aug 25, 2006
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Dear Shirley,
think twice before taking too much responsibility for that girl even in your heart you would like to do something.
I had a bit similar case years ago and that turned so difficult because same as to you it is so difficult to me to say no if someone is asking or seems to need help. But need was endless and every time they need a book or even finally a prom eveningdress they came for us. I am not saying it was abuse but quite near and I cannot blame the family because I myself started that.
If you want to help and willing to loose some money just buy the uniform and make it clear that is all.
I agree with others, it might turn (not necessary) quite ugly and always be so many chances of missunderstanding, too. You should know her real family quite well also to be sure they are not going to blame you afterwards whatever happens.
Rita
 

Hillbilly

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Jan 1, 2002
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I'll gow with Chirimoya and Mr. Saunders....
But,as others have said, talk to the aunt and the young woman. Sexual activity is part and parcel of life at that age here. No kidding. So get her on the patch, the pill or the monthly shot (tell her it is vitamins) and get her educated...as much as she wants... it is a wonderful opportunity. You are good people..

HB
 

whirleybird

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Feb 27, 2006
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I thank you all for your good advice and help and, currently, we are still very undecided which way to approach this problem/ opportunity. We plan to investigate much further before making any commitment.