please help a Canadian marrying a Dominican

tamara032080 · Aug 17, 2009

I have a question and I'm looking for some advice

I'm a Canadian. I have fallin in love with a Dominican man (age 26 and I'm 29)that I have known since Februaury 2009. I have taken 2 trips to the Dominican so far and I'm planning another in January. We have decided to get married in April 2010. I love him very much and I truely do believe that he also loves me. He does speak Spanish and English very well. He comes from a poor family and he too is not well off. He is happy in the Dominican for the most part and at first wanted me to move to the Dominican. I have a 7 year old son and a pretty good job so that was not practical for me. He has decided that he would come to Canada if that is what I want so that we can be together. He has never asked me for anything and I made it clear from the begining that I would not give him money or stuff. I have only sent him 1 present for his birthday in July and nothing else. I made it clear, if he wanted to be with me it was not for money. I'm not rich and I have made that clear to him and I think he knows that because I can not afford to go back to see him again until January. We talk often about the life we wnat to have together and the things we want out of life. We talk almost everyday mostly by me calling him...like I said he's not well off. He works and has had several different jobs and will do anything for work, he's not overly picky. He tells me that he is a hard worker and that he doesn't need anything from me. However I'm not a stupid person and eventhough I do love him with my whole heart I have also done a lot of research and know that often these relationships have other purposes than love behind them...I would like to know about some GOOD stories and also signs I should be watching for....Do you think I'm going in blind or could this be the real deal...It must work out sometimes, right?

Thanks
T

AnnaC · Aug 17, 2009

What is the rush? You've gone on 2 trips, one coming up in Jan and you're getting married in April? Why? Why can't you take your time to really know him? Total of 3 trips and then getting married is too fast but that's just my opinion. Actually talking about getting married in the second trip would have been scary. Go slow and good luck

Read all you can here http://www.dr1.com/forums/men-mars-...ant-info-if-youre-relationship-dominican.html

sylindr · Aug 17, 2009

what is the rush

I commuted for 6 years before we got married and I moved here. You cannot even come close to knowing who he is on two vacations! Take it slow, things here are very different and culture plays a really big part in things.

You need to know his family, see him with them, with his friends and in all kinds of situations before you can know who he is.

tamara032080 · Aug 17, 2009

well the rush is simple...I don't want to be apart from him any longer and I can't afford to visit all the time...The long distance part is really hard.

sylindr · Aug 17, 2009

really hard

Well life is hard in general. You need to spend a lot of time reading the sankie threads, you have no idea who he is and no nothing about any of this family or friends. that is important

Chip · Aug 17, 2009

Might we ask where and how you met this guy?

Also, the problem is, and has been proven before, that you make a whole lot more that he does.

If you want signs that this guy is for real, tell this guy you are moving to the DR and tell him that you have had it living in Canada and you will never process his papers to move to Canada. If he truly loves you it won't matter. I would do this at first and then see what the reaction is. He may not fall for it either, some of these guys are really good actors and you will not suspect anything until one day you will wake up in Canada and he won't be there. This has happened no doubt hundreds of times.

Are you prepared to lose a few years of your life, many thousands of dollars and possible std (he will have many gf's on the side)?

BTW, I married a Dominican girl, but I met her in Santiago and she was a devout Christian. We live in the DR.

tamara032080 · Aug 17, 2009

I did meet him when he was working on a resort....He had been in the military in the investigations department for a few years . He got out because it was corupt, he is now trying to get back in the military because things have changed some and he really enjoyed his job. He is no longering working on the resorts (he was only there for 3 months) because he didn't like it. He was looked down upon because a lot of the resort employees are sankies as we all know and he isn't like that so he didn't want a job like that anymore. I should also add that I have seen his family and they are very nice. His parents are older because he is adopted. They have their own car and farm, they make cheese. They raised him since he was 4 years old and they are still happily married and together they have 2 other children that are both married to Dominicans and very happy. They have no family history of marrying people from other countries he will be the first.

badpiece33 · Aug 17, 2009

tamara032080 said:
I did meet him when he was working on a resort....Big Red flag, please read Hillbillys sticky on dating a Dominican.He had been in the military in the investigations department for a few years . He got out because it was corupt,He left because they were corrupt or did he get caught being corrupt?? People just dont leave jobs in DR, Not to easy to find another one. he is now trying to get back in the military because things have changed some and he really enjoyed his job. He is no longering working on the resorts (he was only there for 3 months) because he didn't like it.Once again people just dont quit jobs in DR,there are not many out there. He was looked down upon because a lot of the resort employees are sankies as we all know and he isn't like that so he didn't want a job like that anymore.That is what all sankies do,They make you think they are different. I should also add that I have seen his family and they are very nice. His parents are older because he is adopted. They have their own car and farm, they make cheese. They raised him since he was 4 years old and they are still happily married and together they have 2 other children that are both married to Dominicans and very happy. They have no family history of marrying people from other countries he will be the first.

You only know him from 2 or 3 trips down to DR, Please take a step back and do some more reading on Sankies.

AlterEgo · Aug 17, 2009

tamara032080 said:
I have a question and I'm looking for some advice
..I would like to know about some GOOD stories and also signs I should be watching for....Do you think I'm going in blind or could this be the real deal...It must work out sometimes, right?

Thanks
T

Sometimes it works out. When I think back to myself, I sometimes marvel at how dumb I was, and how absolutely lucky I was. I totally should have been one of the disaster stories here, because I married a virtual stranger - but it just felt 'right'.

I met my Dominican husband in November 1975, introduced by a girlfriend I was traveling with who knew him from an earlier trip. When I went home I thought he was such a nice guy, but that was about it. My girlfriend went back for Christmas to see her boyfriend and when my husband saw her, he told her he was going to marry me. When she told me, I thought he was nuts. He started writing letters, occasional phone calls. My feelings confused me, so my cousin and I went back on a 'surprise' visit for 2 weeks in July '76 to find out from his mother that he had just left for a casino job on a cruise ship out of Miami, where he was now living. (when I got home my neighbor told me his letter telling me that arrived the day I left). His mother had told him to forget about me, that I was too far away, that I'd probably never come back; when she learned I was there, she sent her other 4 sons to the hotel to meet me and tell me where he was. None of them spoke English, so one brought his wife who spoke English (When they showed up, my first thought was that they were there to tell me he was married and she was the wife). Long story short, my cousin and I were on a plane to Port-au-Prince the next day to meet the ship. I flew back there the next week too. He came to NY to meet my parents in September, and we got married that December, 1976. It'll be 33 years in a few months, and I don't regret a day of it.

Now, knowing what I know today, if my daughter wanted to marry someone she had spent only days with, I'd lock her up and throw away the key. It's easy to see when someone else is making a mistake - or you THINK they are. When you're the person who's involved, it's much harder to think clearly. Was I just lucky? Maybe. In my case he was from a middle class family, went to college for awhile, had 4 years casino experience, spoke English, and they had just approved casinos in NJ so I knew he'd be able to get a job. We still live near Atlantic City, and he's coming up on retirement in a few years, and our plan is to retire to Santo Domingo. Full circle completed.

My parents met and married within 6 months, and they were devoted to each other for 57 years. I think it's the luck of the draw..... and maybe the different era?

Tread carefully, eyes wide open, brain in gear, but tread ahead.

Chip · Aug 17, 2009

AlterEgo said:
Sometimes it works out. When I think back to myself, I sometimes marvel at how dumb I was, and how absolutely lucky I was. I totally should have been one of the disaster stories here, because I married a virtual stranger - but it just felt 'right'.

I met my Dominican husband in November 1975, introduced by a girlfriend I was traveling with who knew him from an earlier trip. When I went home I thought he was such a nice guy, but that was about it. My girlfriend went back for Christmas to see her boyfriend and when my husband saw her, he told her he was going to marry me. When she told me, I thought he was nuts. He started writing letters, occasional phone calls. My feelings confused me, so my cousin and I went back on a 'surprise' visit for 2 weeks in July '76 to find out from his mother that he had just left for a casino job on a cruise ship out of Miami, where he was now living. (when I got home my neighbor told me his letter telling me that arrived the day I left). His mother had told him to forget about me, that I was too far away, that I'd probably never come back; when she learned I was there, she sent her other 4 sons to the hotel to meet me and tell me where he was. None of them spoke English, so one brought his wife who spoke English (When they showed up, my first thought was that they were there to tell me he was married and she was the wife). Long story short, my cousin and I were on a plane to Port-au-Prince the next day to meet the ship. I flew back there the next week too. He came to NY to meet my parents in September, and we got married that December, 1976. It'll be 33 years in a few months, and I don't regret a day of it.

Now, knowing what I know today, if my daughter wanted to marry someone she had spent only days with, I'd lock her up and throw away the key. It's easy to see when someone else is making a mistake - or you THINK they are. When you're the person who's involved, it's much harder to think clearly. Was I just lucky? Maybe. In my case he was from a middle class family, went to college for awhile, had 4 years casino experience, spoke English, and they had just approved casinos in NJ so I knew he'd be able to get a job. We still live near Atlantic City, and he's coming up on retirement in a few years, and our plan is to retire to Santo Domingo. Full circle completed.

My parents met and married within 6 months, and they were devoted to each other for 57 years. I think it's the luck of the draw..... and maybe the different era?

Tread carefully, eyes wide open, brain in gear, but tread ahead.

I understand your husband didn't work in a resort or other tourist enterprise, correct?

AlterEgo · Aug 17, 2009

Chip said:
I understand your husband didn't work in a resort or other tourist enterprise, correct?

His first job out of school was at the Hispaniola Hotel, he was a lifeguard there for several years - that's where he learned to speak English, from the tourists. (I can only imagine:ermm

Then he was trained as a casino dealer and worked at the El Embajador Casino and later at the Mauna Loa Night Club & Casino.

I don't think there were any AIs back then, most of the north and east coasts were undeveloped - we drove to POP and Sosua around '78 and there was nothing, except beautiful unspoiled beaches.

So all of his jobs exposed him to tourists. Including the past 30+ years in Atlantic City.

las2137 · Aug 17, 2009

tamara032080 said:
I have a 7 year old son and a pretty good job so that was not practical for me. He has decided that he would come to Canada if that is what I want so that we can be together. He has never asked me for anything and I made it clear from the begining that I would not give him money or stuff. I have only sent him 1 present for his birthday in July and nothing else. I made it clear, if he wanted to be with me it was not for money. I'm not rich and I have made that clear to him and I think he knows that because I can not afford to go back to see him again until January.

I'm not sure how the process works in Canada, but in the US in order to bring a fiance or spouse over, you DO have to be able to support the person financially while the stauts is being legalized and are responsbile for that person.

You mentioned that you are a mother. I'm not a mother so I can't fully understand your position, but I would ask myself the following:

-Can I financially support another person on my salary?
- Is this guy worth taking resources away from my child and giving to him instead? Not just financial, but also emotional?

Have you been around this guy with your son or did you meet this guy on solo trips? I think that is something to consider, since he will be living in your house with you and around your child 100%.

I understand that January is a long time away. But it could be worth the wait, either to marry the love of your life or discover that you dodged a bullet.

Good luck.

Malibook · Aug 17, 2009

AnnaC said:
What is the rush?

Life is short and Canadian winters can be very cold. :cheeky:

Hillbilly · Aug 17, 2009

Just a few observations:
You do not even know how to call this place: It is the Dominican REPUBLIC. There is no such thing as "Dominican", like there is no such thing as "beautiful" or "United" ...these are adjectives and need to have a noun. Your Dominican is a sankie, that is his profession and you a re his way out of here.

You have to read this, like it or not.

http://www.dr1.com/forums/men-mars-women-venus/92110-another-victim.html

this is just one of hundreds of these things we have been through.

Also go and look up Hillbilly's Three Golden Rules for dating a Dominican

For God's Sake, go slow. You are being played by an expert, and you are just one of five or six women that he has on a string in order to get a visa and get out of here.

Sorry gal, but that is the way it is...

HB

AZB · Aug 17, 2009

These women must be uglier than my brother-in-law to be willing to settle down with servent-class men. Men with no education, poor as dirt and working as a labor. Would the same woman settle for a mexican dishwasher in a local restaurant in their home town? A truck driver for the sanitation department? No, they set high standards for canadian men but as soon as they land here, they find the first sankie/servant and plan of having kids with him. I think these people are coming from either shattered families or so alone in life that they would even get married with a cave man from the stone ages.
AZB

El_Uruguayo · Aug 17, 2009

I resent that! Cavemen can be classy!

Matilda · Aug 17, 2009

Tamara. For every disaster there is a success story. There are many Dominicans who have great marriages with foreign women. There are also many who have taken their women for every penny they have and then left them. Only you can tell which one yours is. Just because he is poor doesn't mean he is bad. My husband was poor when I met him and now is much richer than I would ever be. Sometimes in this country, intelligent and hardworking men do not get the opportunity to study and work than they would in your country. One of the most successful European business women in this country is married to a Dominican man who worked in a hotel. They are amazing together and have built up a fantastic business. Circus of Dreams is an incredible business. If she had listened to this forum they would never be together. Move slowly and all the best to you!!!

matilda

sangria · Aug 17, 2009

i agree matilda.

also remember to keep your child as your first priority while you figure things out.

ultimately that is what should be the most important thing.

Berzin · Aug 17, 2009

Why would you date someone so beneath you economically and then expect him not to ask for money?

Why is this is a parameter to gauge his sincerity? If it is, how about dating a Dominican of means?

I know people say that a proud Dominican would never ask for money regardless of how bad they are doing, but you're dating someone whose economic existence is precarious at best. Who else is he going to ask?

Has it ever occurred to you the pressure he is under to get to North America? You don't, because you've never met his family. Once you see how they live, you'll get a better idea as to why this man will tell you whatever you want to hear to get to Canada.

For a poor Dominican, a visa will open doors for them and their whole family. You need to realize that some put the needs of their family first, to the detriment of their foreign spouses.

Please do as much research as you can-you have been given some very informative links-because from the sound of it you may not know what is awaiting you. If you think that blind luck will guide you, it will-all the way to the poor house.

tamara032080 · Aug 17, 2009

Well so far I would like to thank everyone for thier advice. Even if some of it was mean...and no I'm not ugly or deformed, uneducated, desperate anything else.. I have been single and only dating for about 21/2 years by choice and nothing more. I do have a wonderful 7 year old son and he comes before anything else and always will so no worries there...We are not the typical sankie old man or women dating a young man or women situation we are only a couple of years apart.....I have to say that I have nothing but good feelings about him 100%. He seems like a great guy and several of my friends and family that have been introduced and spent time with him agree with me...I have been introduced to the Sankie element and I have seen how they work for the most part....Having said that I still like to hear other thoughts because it is a big step..Just like marrying anyone....I believe fully that you don't control who you fall in love with and no if I had my choice it probably wouldn't have been with someone from another country and economic class but it was. Like I said I love the advice and I really do listen to all of it and I will look at the links that have been provided. We would probably be getting married sooner but we have agreed to hold off for a bit so I have some more time to prepare for what I hope fingers crossed is a fabulous future, but I guess only time will tell for sure.

please help a Canadian marrying a Dominican

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