It's a location & generation thing isn't it? The first time I saw men wearing those long baggy swimming 'shorts' I nearly died laughing inside (too polite to show it!) - particularly when wet they looked like a cross between wet wrapping paper & a soggy kilt. I assumed that none of the men were strong swimmers & these were some sort of flotation device............probably not a very effective one

. Or they were for men who didn't know how to ........er........'dress' shall we say. But you have to remember I was brought up in UK where those short things were definitely
not de rigueur, AND I was a serious swimmer AND this was many years ago.
But..........it stays with you. Just as you Scandall were raised in a baggy shorts culture so you think real men don't wear speedos, I was raised in one which thinks baggy shorts look simply dreadful. I still do but I wouldn't impugn the virilty of those who wear them................well not loudly anyway. Never heard of the gay speedo link - it must have stayed the other side of the Atlantic. Hampered from crossing by the ineffective flotation devices no doubt.
Have to say your cure has worked remarkably when one compares your chubby speedo pic with the wedding pics

.