Dominican Form Of Poligamy

[GringoCArlos]

I think that if you talk to many dominicans (especially in el campo), and really dig into the facts, that you will discover that most couples have NEVER actually gotten legally married (in front of a priest or in front of a judge). They started living together, built a house and then had kids, and considered themselves to be "married", until such time as the law would consider them to be "common law married", but they don't have a piece of paper that shows they were "legally" married.

After the guy wanders out and does the same thing with another woman, he then considers himself to be "married" to the new woman, and the first woman still considers him to be married to her and to be "her husband". He probably helps out the first family to support his children there (and probably in a very limited way), but now considers himself to be married to Number 2.

This is a strange thing for most foreigners to wrap their mind around, but seems to be perfectly normal to many dominicans. I have seen and watched this phenomenon many times out in el campo, and I get a few chuckles now and then listening to some of the conversations among the women (and they still think that the gringo can't understand them, which is very much to my advantage, jajaja).

 

[Malibook]

As long as it is out of sight, out of mind, and the bills are being paid, some women will find this quite acceptable. Plus she has time for her own side action too.
I don't know how common this is in the Dominican Republic but it is not rare in Thailand even for some guys with modest incomes.
I would think that multiple women under the same roof would be a much rarer arrangement.

 

[GringoCArlos]

Sorry, but allaboutbeingdominican's original title to this thread is not very accurate. "Polygamy" refers to a person being married to multiple people at the same time, such as happens in some sects of the Mormons or in the Middle East. Polygamy is prosecuted in the DR, but in most cases, dominicans acting as allaboutbeingdominican describes have NEVER been married in the eyes of the law (under which polygamy is prosecuted).

 

[Chirimoya]

After the guy wanders out and does the same thing with another woman, he then considers himself to be "married" to the new woman, and the first woman still considers him to be married to her and to be "her husband". He probably helps out the first family to support his children there (and probably in a very limited way), but now considers himself to be married to Number 2.

The case I know best is exactly like that - it's almost like a divorced husband who remarries and supports both households, only he spends a couple of weekends a month with no.1, they socialise in public, and she retains the status of 'wife'. The 'wives' maintain a respectful distance from each other, although there is some overlap between their social circles. The wives welcome each other's children into their respective houses (no. 1 lives in town, no. 2 lives a few kms out of town) but have nothing to do with each other.

The man in question is fairly prosperous and about 50 years old. I wonder if this is dying out because of the economic burden of maintaining one household, let alone additional ones.

Sorry, but allaboutbeingdominican's original title to this thread is not very accurate. "Polygamy" refers to a person being married to multiple people at the same time, such as happens in some sects of the Mormons or in the Middle East. Polygamy is prosecuted in the DR, but in most cases, dominicans acting as allaboutbeingdominican describes have NEVER been married in the eyes of the law (under which polygamy is prosecuted).

Although it's not polygamy in the strictest sense, the OP does say "the Dominican form of polygamy" - somewhere between serial monogamy and polygamy.

 

[amparocorp]

first you have to look at dominican society. up until 20 or 30 years ago it was mostly dirt poor farmers all over the countryside and few people living in the cities. now what is a poor dominican farmer, who has no electricity, out in the campo, going to do for fun on a saturday night in the 1970's and before? he isn't likely to go to the opera. what if he doesn't want to be drunk on rum? with poor access to medical care many men in the campo are worked to death or disabled. some of the men in the campo leave to find fortune in the city leaving their women behind, some never send money home, they get terrible jobs in the city and stay as bad off as they were in the campo. now you have a destitute woman in the campo whose "husband "is gone. along comes a healthy male neighbor, who has a small plot of land and a few animals, he is a good neighbor and willing to share some food, love blossoms. this is not lust for the sake of lust, it is survival. that is my father in laws story, he lives in the campo, he is 75 years old, still farms and still feeds the neighbors, and he keeps condoms in his wallet. god bless him..................

 

[allaboutbeingdominican]

You See That What I Mean....

Is not about dating the bad boy or behavioral heritage...
This boils down to economics and street smarts...

A young woman can and will date guys her age/equivalent but soon after they realize that chances are too great that he won't be ale to support her at all, much less provide a comfortable living without having to be a paired horse in the daily grind for survival...

They understand economics at younger ages... A married man IS supporting a wife/family already, chances are that he can support her much better if she can move and position herself to be the #1 focus of his attentions...

Your wife will await you home to list all the stuff that went bad with the bills/house/kids/etc... The querida/second/third wife will await you with the food you like and to tender to your every mental/social/bodily needs...

The reason some men have up to three families, is b/c they can afford to pay the upkeep of such enterprise...

My father had us (main family with my mom), my step brothers and sister (with Querida 1) and a step sister that grew up with us under the same roof from Querida #2. After that he had 3 others with no kids around (thanks God!)...

The wives don't like it much, as they must share the nights and little of the daytime, if any left, to socialize with the man. But again, it's a woman's dream to be able to be living like a lover and not have the man grumbling for too long around the house...

My mom and three queridas knew each other well, the others, only us the boys knew about (teaching the kids the ropes, lol)...

I find that it does great to a man's mental stress of everyday life to be able to hold such arrangements... Somehow my dad was always smiling!

My step siblings are just like my main siblings... We treat each other as family no matter from where/whom you came to be about...

Is the economics that play the greatest role on who gets to be able to have such kind of arrangements...:cheeky:

TO ME THIS A A MISTERY, WHAT DO YOU THINK WENT THROUGH THE MINDS OF THE WOMEN, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM.....

 

[allaboutbeingdominican]

Well, This Is One Of The Few Women Who Do Not Accept The Type Of Shared Lifestyle That That We Are Talking About, And You Point Out Very Important Information, Then What Of The Families Economic Future And The.... What Happened If She Just Accepted His Querida Yet Still Had Him To Handel All The Money

 

[Rocky]

TO ME THIS A A MISTERY, WHAT DO YOU THINK WENT THROUGH THE MINDS OF THE WOMEN, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM.....

I understand what you mean, as I still remember moving here and finding so many things strange if no outrageous, and now, the story told by Pichardo is as normal to me as seeing a motoconcho with 3 passengers.
I believe that the only way you can truly understand it all is to understand Dominican culture, and until such time, there's no rationalizing it.
There are few shortcuts for getting to understand the culture faster.
It takes time and exposure. If you don't happen to live here, it will be near impossible to ever understand it.

 

[allaboutbeingdominican]

Sorry, but allaboutbeingdominican's original title to this thread is not very accurate. "Polygamy" refers to a person being married to multiple people at the same time, such as happens in some sects of the Mormons or in the Middle East. Polygamy is prosecuted in the DR, but in most cases, dominicans acting as allaboutbeingdominican describes have NEVER been married in the eyes of the law (under which polygamy is prosecuted).

THANK YOU FOR THAT OBSERVATION I AM AWARE OF THE MEANING.... THE TWIST OF THE TITLE IS JUST THAT, IT IS NOT KNOWN BY ITS PROPER NAME POLYGAMY (EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE NOT OFFICIALY MARRIED) IT IS KNOWN A MUJERIEGO

 

[Rocky]

THANK YOU FOR THAT OBSERVATION I AM AWARE OF THE MEANING.... THE TWIST OF THE TITLE IS JUST THAT, IT IS NOT KNOWN BY ITS PROPER NAME POLYGAMY (EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE NOT OFFICIALY MARRIED) IT IS KNOWN A MUJERIEGO

Not by my definition.
A mujeriego to me is a dude who plays the field big time, and not likely to be married. (legally or not)
He has a revolving door of women coming and leaving.
At least, that's my understanding of the word.
PS: Typing in caps is the written equivalent to screaming.

 

[Chirimoya]

TO ME THIS A A MISTERY, WHAT DO YOU THINK WENT THROUGH THE MINDS OF THE WOMEN, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM.....

Same as women who remain in abusive marriages: it happens when women have fewer choices and less legal protection.

Up till recently it would have been most women's best option where both status and economics were concerned. Their other choices would have been to accept the shameful label of divorc?e or abandoned woman, and in many cases destitution.

These days it will become less common in sectors where women have/have the potential for greater economic independence, divorce is not as stigmatised, and child support laws are in existence.

In low-income sectors it will probably continue to occur, as long as the advantages for the man outweigh the economic disadvantages, and probably among the richer sectors, where men can afford it and women will tolerate it for reasons of money/status.

 

[catcherintherye]

"So that's what they call money nowadays..."

????? ?????

Pichardo, so are you saying that money is the only factor in sex or choosing a partner?

Perhaps you missed Biology 101 in favor of an AP economics class, but the sex drive has nothing to do with money, it has everything to do with proximity and pheromones.

In case the concept of pheromones is unclear to anyone, they are those naturally produced scents that are emitted by the human body. They signal certain intentions to other humans within range, hence proximity.
Pheromones are given off by both sexes, and control much of human behavior. These scents go to work at the limbic level of the brain, which means at below the conscious level, or cognitive level.

For a brief, easy to read description try:

Pheromone - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Money might make the world go round, but pheromnes control the most basic of human behaviors.

 

[LatinoRican]

My Dominican sister-in-law in Puerto Plata is a judge. In other words, she has a college education. She also has a long-standing relationship with a married man. He spends the day at her house and as night falls he goes home to sleep with his wife. These are not teenagers; they are older adults. Both women know each other and are friends. In fact, they were both together in Puerto Rico not too long ago. I guess that the women decided that it was better if they became friends. That way, they would each know where he was at every hour of the day. I wonder what would happen if another woman came into the picture? :ermm:

 

[SKing]

I have alot of Dominican male friends here in the US. Some with their wives here and some with their wives there.
One in particular that comes to mind is a friend of mine here that I had known for 9 months before I knew he had a wife.
We all go out in a group and I was very shocked that noone had mentioned it especially since he was "dating" another friend in the group.

I met his wife at his Christmas party after knowing him since March. He introduced her very lovingly and was kissing and hugging her all night as she had just arrived from DR. Our other friend that he was "dating" was also there and did not look the least bit perturbed.

After we left the party, some of us women went out and I went off about them not telling me that he had a wife and how could he be with the other one, knowing he had a wife in DR.

This group of us women consisted of 4 Dominicanas, 3 Boricuas, and me (American). I learned alot that night. It is accepted, it is known by the wife and what shocked me the most is the value that the women place on being the FIRST. As if, if you are the FIRST wife, you are the best. But the Dominicans that I know here are very careful about not having kids with the 2nd, 3rd... so that must be something different over there. Finally, I got it.

My Dominican boyfriend that I had at the time was always visiting NY to see his mother. He told me how important family was to Dominicans...
I was informed that night that his common law wife and their 3 kids lived in NY....he was seeing them once a month.

I did not leave him because of that...I continued to pretend that I didn't know for the next 4 months, our break up was for other reasons.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles...I don't think that I was "putting up" with anything. I was getting what I wanted out of the relationship and so was he. And there you have it.

There are VERY FEW Dominicans that are going to be completely faithful, and I am giving them the benefit of the doubt to even say VERY FEW.
Like I said before, you gotta pick your battles

P.S. After getting to know my friend's wife (the one in DR)...she let me know that basically she knows everything...he does not lie to her. She is the only one with children by him and the only one that he calls his "wife" and she is content the way things are....You can't change other people's thinking.

 

[GringoCArlos]

catcherintherye "QUOTE":
Money might make the world go round, but pheromones control the most basic of human behaviors. "ENDQUOTE"

Actually, for the human race, I believe that self-control and morals control the most basic of human behaviors, and not phermones. That is what differentiates humans from animals.
Please stop trying to blame phermones for this behavior.
------------------------

One thing that the "first" dominican wives also do on their part, if they accept their mates behavior, is to tell him its fine to go out and have more kids, BUT don't give them their name (on the birth certificate of the outside kids). With Dominican inheritance laws, it takes away from the first wife's kids inheritiance should her man die. Going through my employees' job applications revealed many with only one last name, because they did not receive their fathers surname when they were born.

That said, think about growing up in a Dominican household. Kids are sponges, and if they watch their papa's goings and comings while they grow up, what seeds are planted in those young minds? Do you think they will be any different when they grow up to be a man? Or a woman?

 

[catcherintherye]

Gringo Carlos,
Get over yourself, I am not blaming anything for the behavior of humans, in fact I am not placing any judgement on those behaviors whatsoever.
You really should read the entire context of what I am saying before you jump in with random and unrelated comments.
And you should be better informed about human sexuality and relationships before offering your half-baked moral platitudes.

 

[Dolores1]

I can only speak for my circle of friends, which is large... none of my married friends keeps a querida. I am talking of the fiftyish crowd, upper middle class, working for a living. When another woman has entered the picture, there has been a divorce, or the affair has been ended. I do not think that professional women today are so tolerant of the keeping of queridas as this thread would make it appear to be in the DR.

 

[Funnyyale26]

Hmmm....good thing that Dominican men don't attract me.

 

[xamaicano]

Women love drama. I know, I use to provide it.

 

[bob saunders]

I can only speak for my circle of friends, which is large... none of my married friends keeps a querida. I am talking of the fiftyish crowd, upper middle class, working for a living. When another woman has entered the picture, there has been a divorce, or the affair has been ended. I do not think that professional women today are so tolerant of the keeping of queridas as this thread would make it appear to be in the DR.

I agree, I think it still happens, but it is more a thing of the past when there were few women that had their own financial security.