Last weekend I saw something at my cousins gun store in San Francisco de Macoris that caught my eye. My cousin's gun store is called "Tu Closet;" The store is in downtown San Francisco de Macoris. His name is Ivan Genao. I don't own a gun, but i saw something else that was not as lethal as a gun that caught my eye. I was looking for a little something extra for my redhead girlfriend here in Cabaret. She walks around topless on the beach in Cabarete; she stands out like a sore thumb. When she sits topless at my bar, shoe-shine boys and beach vendors want to follow her home. What I came across at my cousins gun store was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant. I thought, Ok, this would be perfect for her, because, I don't want her handicapping any Dominican shoe-shine boys permanently when they try to follow her home.
Long story short, I bought the Taser gun and brought it home. I have a Dominican cedula, not like what foreigners here carry around. My father is Dominican, so i'm allowed to vote and buy guns, and am considered Dominican in the eyes of the law. Big mistake. Anyway, I loaded it with two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs when i made contact with the hood of my neighbors car out in the parking lot. It left a permanent burnt spot in the middle of his hood. His dog barks all the time and he keeps me up at night.
Cool. Unfortunately, now I have to explain to the redhead why our neighbor is trying to take us to court.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy yesterday, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
I sat in bed with our cat, Jesus, looking intently at me as he tried to bite my toes underneath the sheet. while I was reading the directions of the Taser, i was thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on something with flesh & blood...basically some kind of moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Jesus (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to the Redhead to protect herself against Shoe-shine boys, I wanted some kind of assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in my bed with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said this:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the AAA batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Jesus looking at me with my toes in her mouth--sharp teeth biting down hard on my big toe with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid!' Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little Taser couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it, before trying it out on Jesus.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up out of bed, then body slammed Jesus and I both on the floor, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! Jesus was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the bed, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the bedroom.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were across the room.
? The bed was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching with smoke coming from them..
? My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 50 lbs.
? I had no control over the drooling.
? Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
? I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair or Jesus's hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles, but I believe they have permanently retreated to a secure nest somewhere in my abdomen.
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Frank
I also wanted to try it on her but she didn't like that idea either.
