One Question: Is It Worth It?

Status
Not open for further replies.

ambressence

New member
May 6, 2011
22
0
0
One Question: Is it worth it?

I must say after reading the romance gone wrong posts by tourists swindled in DR love affairs, I concluded that:

1. I didn?t see much difference in the tactics used by the guys in the DR from the tactics that I'm used to from the guys I?ve dated in my hometown of Baltimore and
2. That I came to the question that I decided to title this post: Is it worth it? Is my Dominican love story another one of those ?wake up and smell the coffee? posts...or is there something more. Back to the previously stated: Is it worth it?

Let me start by saying that I?m 21 years old. Black. Female. Born in Baltimore and currently in college near DC. This March I went to DR to do comparative research on the DR school system and the DC school system that I have had much experience with. I mentor minors with juvenile charges trying to worth their way back into the school system and make a better life for themselves. Shortly put I get cussed out a lot, have a thick skin and can usually tell when someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

Coming from an area with a strong Latino population (Washington DC) I had heard it all about Dominican men and their game (ladies, they know how to get us caught up). A lot of my friends have even dated them?wait did I not mention I was a black women? (insert lol here) how many times do you think I hear horror stories about black men in the US?.again?the stories I?ve read on here weren?t much different from the ones from my friends back at home in Baltimore. (this is my disclaimer: all black men are NOT the same?.just the ones in Baltimore?that was a joke?by the way)

Back to the story- Part of my stay was in Santo Domingo, the other half in Andres, near Boca Chica. One day, while on the beach with some friends I caught eyes with this guy. Immediately I felt moved to say something, I mean this man was gorgeous- but of course in the back of my mind the results of Toni Morrison?s real life after her ?How Stella Got Her Grove Back? were stuck on repeat in my mind. ?Look away? is what I think I even said out loud to myself like an idiot.

At this point in time, I was currently being hounded by a group of teenage boys who were trying to convince me they were old enough to take me out on a data. I was not impressed. Interjecting on the attempts of these teenage guys, the guy I connected eyes with walked over to us and started making fun of me and my friends asking why we were talking to such young boys when we were women..beautiful women at that. (Guess he was trying to say prove his manhood.) Nonetheless, I found this a typical macho move, but it was pretty funny. Hes 24 years old.

Breaking all the rules that my mom drilled into my 21 year old head before I left the States, me and my friends ended up later meeting up with some of his friends to go to the discotecha that night. College kids right? Lol. Can someone say this is how you end up on the news? We rode with him and his friends via los motors and arrived at this club that I swear looked like Lapiz Coniciente or Secreto el Biberon were going to pop into the scene anytime. It was like a music video. Literally.

After a night of dancing, and a little drinking, one of my friends was dissatisfied with her date and we were taken back home. Before I left, my guy and me said our goodbyes and I promised to meet him again the next day at the corner at 3 clock. After a goodbye scene that seemed to be out of a sappy old soap opera, the next day I was there at 3. And he was too.

This was how our mornings went for the rest of my stay. He met up with me everyday, only at my request. I didn?t have his number, didn?t know where he lived at the time, but if I would asked him at the end of our day to meet me again, he would come. If I didn?t ask he wouldn?t. He said it was up to me because he trusted God that I would always come back to him?.(that?s Dominican pimpin 101 if you ask me?these American dudes need to touch up on their skills) The rest of my stay we went to the beach, went out to eat, went sight seeing, visited some of his co workers homes for dinner, went out with his friends and to bars ( almost every night) and he even assisted me in my research when I went to the schools. He is very polite, hilarious, fun to be with, of course romantic and so interested in just learning...anything. Even when I know he has no IDEA what I'm talking about, he has a sense of intrigue for anything new. Sports..politics..you name it..

The day before I left, he told me he wanted to talk to me?at this point we had gotten pretty close, and it was sad it was all coming to an end. It was especially pretty sad for me, knowing some of the harsh realities I had to return to at home. I can't imagine what it had been like or him. Everything we experienced together had been like a breathe of fresh air for both of us.

When he was 11 his mom passed away from cancer. One of his co workers that I met told me how things had been for him?his father was also no longer living and he had been on his own since he was a kid. In my mind I?m thinking look I?ve heard every tale from the hood you can imagine. Crack head mothers, drug dealing fathers, abusive uncles (I did say I was from Baltimore right) so I wasn?t surprised at the story, but something in this man really touched me. Something about his perseverance and intelligence despite everything he?s been through was very admirable. He hasn?t had much education, but has really educated himself of politics and global and social issues. All things that I am very involved in at my university.

I?ve been through a lot in my life, and that may be part of my superior defense system, but when this guy places a ring in my hand that after he says he wants to talked to me, and he says that the ring belonged to his mother- I was really moved and skeptical at the same time. He told me to take it so that I would always remember him when I went home. After refusing to several times he told me that he would be offended it I didn?t take the ring. Now I must say that this wasn?t this wasn?t kind of ring that you get out of a Cracker Jack Box. I know he doesn?t have a lot. He works in carpentry, and is a very hard worker. He doesn?t smoke. Doesn?t drink. He really works hard to make what he can with the little he has. I finally ended up taking the ring.

For both of us, life has really been an uphill battle. I don?t have a lot of money, I?m a college student...and even though he knows this?we all know that being American puts a dollar sign over my head- no matter what my working status is. Forget the college student part. I know all of these things. And Ive dated men in the same situation in the states?.from (unfortunately) from convicts, to peoples baby daddys I?ve dated it all. But I?ve also had some really great men in my life.

It?s been two months since I left and we talk twice a day. I write poetry and we exchange poems to one another and send each other jokes to get us through our stressful days. I laughed out loud at one of the comments someone said to a love story, ? believe me as he?s in the internet caf? talking to you, he?s messaging 80 other women at the same time? I wouldn?t be one to say ?he would never do that? -Not to say my message inbox isn?t full of guys either- But aside from the romance (I guess I forgot to mention the hot steamy sex scene part?yeah about that?that?s always a plus) we have a really strong connection that?s hard to describe?an understanding of one another?s struggles some how, despite the cultural differences.

I am returning to the DR in August teach an English program at a school for a month, and of course I plan to see him while I'm teaching. Sometimes I feel like it?s hard to believe this story has happened to me, and that I?m ?one of those people? posting on a forum?but it has happened to me. So now I?m stuck on the first question I stated earlier: Is it worth it? Should I continue this love affair knowing how often these love affairs happen to be just another scheme to make it out? Or should I see what happens over the month of my stay this summer and believe things like this really do happen to people?

I know he?s got dreams of going to school...he has a brilliant mind, as I've stated before and he is a really critical and analytical thinker..that alone is just one of the admirable things about him. We all have dreams?I had dreams too. The only reason why I am where I am today, and made it through all the struggles to get there was because someone helped me to get here. I didn't do it on my own. No telling what the future will hold, but if things continue to run smoothly I would definitely make an investment in helping to enroll him in a program in the states to further his education- but of course I have my doubts, and questions and concerns with how things may turn out. My major concern is that we can communicate well because I know enough spanish and he knows enough english to understand one another when my spanish can't fill in for the words that just cant be translated into spanish. Of course teaching in the DR for a month will sharpen my skills, but I am concerned with how much of a challenge it will be for him to completely shift to only speaking English...or if it even really matters since I live in such a heavily spanish speaking neighborhood. If anyone is familiar with the Silver Spring, MD area then you know exactly what I mean.

So my question is, is there sincerity in this- or is this another sad love story only to result in me locking myself in my room with a box of tissues and ice cream to?
 

cobraboy

Pro-Bono Demolition Hobbyist
Jul 24, 2004
40,966
920
113
{Insert HillBilly's Rules Here}

*or*

[video=youtube;Tpl4Cr3-Tm0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpl4Cr3-Tm0&feature=related[/video]

His little bit of advice may be the single best information in the history of DR1.
 

Josemexicano

New member
Apr 24, 2011
109
0
0
I have the same situtation wit a female there but i am thinkinf about takin the chance. U will never kno if u dont ...... But u dont want to be hurt either.. Thats wgy im on pause
 

Marianopolita

Moderator Spanish Forum
Dec 26, 2003
4,412
399
83
ambressence

You sound very level-headed. (I hardly post in this forum BTW).

Keep the communication with him until you go back in August. You have nothing to lose.

Don't be clouded by illusions- so far you have not lost anything by being in contact with him but be very realistic about your situation. Right now it's just a long distance friendship. You are not there 24/7 therefore he can tell you whatever he wants to.

See how things go when you are there in August.

Don't jump the gun. There is no rush. No relationship needs to be fast tracked. The one common element in most of the threads in this forum is: a woman meets a man in the DR and then the next step is the alter...por favor.

You are young, I am sure with a great future ahead of you. Chances are you will meet more men. Thus be careful, leave your doors open and also enjoy the DR when you go. It can be a fun place to visit.

Good luck!


-MP.
 

mountainannie

Platinum
Dec 11, 2003
14,944
406
83
elizabetheames.blogspot.com
Ok,, you have a couple of things going for you .. first you met him in Andreas which is NOT a tourist hang out.. And you speak enough Spanish to communicate

plus you understand that you are going to have to help him...

Even though the HB rules are great, it is not so easy to find Dominicans who have comparable educations or visas to the US

also .. Black women even Americans are NOT the most desirable mates for the middle and upper class

You are not going to be able to just "enroll" him in a program in the States.. you are going to have to get him a VISA for the US and that is not going to be so easy to get.. short of marrying him and even them some folks have had trouble.

Soooooooo

honestly.....

even if the guy is great and hot and sexy.. and sincere and NOT a sankie

the odds of it being a possible relationship for long term

are

slim to none

But.. since you are young and this is heart based thing..

on your next trip,. meet his family

and by that I mean his sisters, his father, his cousins

meet any of the family that is in the States...

you seem to be in it too deep now to just leave it because of other experiences posted on a message board

*and while you are waiting .. make sure to see or read "for colored girls who contemplate suicide while the rainbow is enuf"

and remember that Stella got a DOCTOR!
 

cobraboy

Pro-Bono Demolition Hobbyist
Jul 24, 2004
40,966
920
113
Love is a choice.

It reflects the values you see in yourself.
 

RacerX

Banned
Nov 22, 2009
3,390
376
0
Ok,, you have a couple of things going for you .. first you met him in Andreas which is NOT a tourist hang out.. And you speak enough Spanish to communicate

plus you understand that you are going to have to help him...

Even though the HB rules are great, it is not so easy to find Dominicans who have comparable educations or visas to the US

also .. Black women even Americans are NOT the most desirable mates for the middle and upper class

You are not going to be able to just "enroll" him in a program in the States.. you are going to have to get him a VISA for the US and that is not going to be so easy to get.. short of marrying him and even them some folks have had trouble.

Soooooooo

honestly.....

even if the guy is great and hot and sexy.. and sincere and NOT a sankie

the odds of it being a possible relationship for long term

are

slim to none

But.. since you are young and this is heart based thing..

on your next trip,. meet his family

and by that I mean his sisters, his father, his cousins

meet any of the family that is in the States...

you seem to be in it too deep now to just leave it because of other experiences posted on a message board

*and while you are waiting .. make sure to see or read "for colored girls who contemplate suicide while the rainbow is enuf"

and remember that Stella got a DOCTOR!
Do NOT SEE the movie. It has very little to do with the book. Tyler Perry and his bullsht screen writing can fck over any good prose. This is a guy who really needs a night school course on creative writing.
 

jrhartley

Gold
Sep 10, 2008
8,190
572
0
60
yes your situation is completely different to all the others - I suggest proposing marriage as soon as possible
 

Reese

New member
Oct 5, 2010
129
0
0
I guess the real question is what are you really looking for. A relationship with him? how often will you be coming to visit? you said you would like to help get him into a program in the states like MA said outside of marriage chances are slim to none to get him to the states. Are you planning on moving here? Just for him could be the wrong move as well. So the question is it worth it or not is something you have to think about what it is you are trying to persue first, just a friendship someone to talk to far away, keep in mind most men here do not have females just as friends especial once sex has been introduced. However there is nothing wrong with having someone to talk to as long as it is not costing you anything. And also remember how wonderful the movie "Stella got her grove back" ended and oh such a wonderful story, just remember the real life ending to that story...Deception on a massive scale. So as long as you keep the rose tinted glasses off I thihk you will be fine.

Best of luck to you!
 

AlterEgo

Administrator
Staff member
Jan 9, 2009
19,875
1,102
113
Playa Najayo & South Jersey
A couple of questions......

1. Where does he work/what does he do there?
2. Where does he live/who does he live with?
3. Has he asked you for anything since March? Or has he had any sob stories/family illnesses/moto problems/etc.?
4. Who makes the daily phone calls?

I think MountainAnnie's post is pretty much on target. There ARE good Dominicans out there, but sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.

AE
 

Chip

Platinum
Jul 25, 2007
16,772
420
0
Santiago
AE hit the nail on the head.

I'm married to a Dominican women and she never, ever, ever gave me a sob story nor asked for money until we got married. Granted our courtship was short but already I think it's telling that this guy's friend was already using the sob story spiel.

BTW, my wife was very poor when I met her and grew up in the country running around mostly barefoot with used raggy clothes drinking rainwater and eating meat once a week.

To the op, I'm sure you will find with time that their are many attractive men here that will show interest in you so no need to be so abrupt. I would also state that given the inherent machismo attitudes that you should pick a mate that is at your education level or higher or you will pay the consequences down the road when he becomes jealous.

If I were you I would consider coming to the DR and getting a masters degree at any of the major universities. The costs are super cheap comparably speaking and can be done in two years or less and no doubt if you are an open person you could meet some better candidates.

Failing that, I'll give you the advice I am going to give my own 3 Dominican daughters; I don't care if the guy is ugly, rich or poor but pick a guy who has a job, doesn't drink a lot and have a reputation as a playboy and goes to church EVERY Sunday. No it doesn't count if he has a three pound Altagracia medallion and candles in his house.
 

SKing

Silver
Nov 22, 2007
3,747
163
63
He's the one. Marry him quickly before you miss out on the love of your life.

SHALENA
 

Chip

Platinum
Jul 25, 2007
16,772
420
0
Santiago
Bonus points?
NOOOO!!!!! :) :)

Seriously though, I will go one step further. I think any women who has a relationship with a Dominican who at the very least does not attend church regularly can expect their mate to be unfaithful at some point based on what I've seen and heard first hand here. Inevitably if I hang out with Dominican this is what is talked about, girls on the side. I know everybody's case is "special" and all that but I expect that's why we have so many persons in such situations disappear from DR1's rolls over the years after they find out the hard truth. What does going to church do for you? Well for one I like women as much as the next guy and for me there are no more attractive women than Dominicans but being reminded of doing what is right as opposed to doing what is possible helps a great deal.
 

zoomzx11

Gold
Jan 21, 2006
7,467
139
63
Remember that its not just the $$$$$, its also the green card to the US that goes along with the marriage. Unless they marry a foreighner most Dominicans cannot leave the island for any but undesirable countries.
 

SKing

Silver
Nov 22, 2007
3,747
163
63
NOOOO!!!!! :) :)

Seriously though, I will go one step further. I think any women who has a relationship with a Dominican who at the very least does not attend church regularly can expect their mate to be unfaithful at some point based on what I've seen and heard first hand here. Inevitably if I hang out with Dominican this is what is talked about, girls on the side. I know everybody's case is "special" and all that but I expect that's why we have so many persons in such situations disappear from DR1's rolls over the years after they find out the hard truth. What does going to church do for you? Well for one I like women as much as the next guy and for me there are no more attractive women than Dominicans but being reminded of doing what is right as opposed to doing what is possible helps a great deal.
Uhhhh, Chip, you're my buddy and all but I gotta disagree with that. The worst ones are the ones that regularly attend church. They are the sneakiest and the freakiest.

SHALENA
 

Chip

Platinum
Jul 25, 2007
16,772
420
0
Santiago
Uhhhh, Chip, you're my buddy and all but I gotta disagree with that. The worst ones are the ones that regularly attend church. They are the sneakiest and the freakiest.

SHALENA
With all due respect, after 11 years married into a Dominican family 6 of which living here in the DR honestly I think you have little idea of the reality. Did I say there are guys that go to church that don't cheat? Of course not. However, at the very least they will have God's will constantly reminded so there is less, yes less of a chance. BTW, what do you think many Dominican men are constantly reminded of when they get together? Therefore, playing the odds which one would it be prudent to bet on? As most know, there are few things sure in this life other than paying taxes, dying and God's love. :)

Also, it isn't necessarily how good a women is to her husband (in bed too of course, although it can't help to do her part :) ) nor how beautiful she is nor her income either. Look at what Arod left for Madonna for goodness sakes or Kobe??? It is the challenge that these guys are looking for.
 

SKing

Silver
Nov 22, 2007
3,747
163
63
Smh sking I knew u was going to commnet lol
Yes, and I take back everything I said about your san....., I mean, lady friend. She's a catch. Better wife that girl before you run out of mon...., uh, I mean good looks.

SHALENA
 
Status
Not open for further replies.