Raising Dominican Boy

[Matilda]

(Dominican culture when a couple split up usually the man takes the boys and the woman the girls).
Matilda, I respectfully disagree. I have seen most women stuck with the children, and left to fend for themselves by deadbeat daddies, and in some cases, real men who stand up and take the children if the mother is not deserving (abuse, drugs, promiscuous, etc.). But I wouldn't say it's due to Dominican culture that the family gets split along gender lines in the case of a breakup. This I have never seen.

Lol well let's respectfully disagree then but in my experience that is the norm. My husbands mother had another man and at age 4 his dad took him and his 6 year old brother to the mountains which is where he lived till aged 18. The girls were left with the mother. He took his 2 boys (there were no girls) when his relationship with their mother ended. My foster son has his father close by, but being brought up by father's parents = mother left for the capital. The child I now have was being brought up by father when mother left. There are hundreds more examples and not all fathers are deadbeat. I promise you, often in the culture boys go with the father and girls with the mother.

Matilda

 

[sanpedrogringo]

To the OP and anyone else: Not to be judgemental but I notice some basic issues here. When you decide to partner with someone who does not have the same beliefs, morals, values or upbringing as you do, then this is what happens. You can't change people who refuse to look within themselves. Life is short. Save yourself. What good are you when you are broken with no one to fix you? I've been there before. Save yourself. Take the kid if you are able to and leave. But chances are you won't be able to take the child. Crap like this makes me sooo angry when adults have destroyed an innocent child's life and they aren't even aware of what they've done. I understand the abuelas and tias and tios madness. You are trying to fight a good fight and you are to be commended for that but run, save yourself.

1. What may seem basic to you, may not be basic for others.
2. I understand the line about partnering with a person with the same beliefs, morals and values, but upbringing as well? Should we all just live in a caste system? If that's the case, nobody would ever leave their place of birth. I know many couples that partnered up, married, and had children for these very same reasons: same beliefs, morals, values, and upbringing, and you know what it resulted in? An expensive divorce.
3. Correct, you should never try to change anybody. This is impossible.
4. Life is short, yes. Save myself? From what? My son?
5. I am not, nor will I ever permit another person to "break" me. I have experienced way too many major experiences in my life to allow petty annoyances affect me. Annoying yes. Capable of "breaking" me? Never.
6. Take my son and run? I have thought of moving further away from the abuela, but I wouldn't take my son away from his mother. She'd come with us. She hasn't done anything wrong towards my son, and my son is deserving of his mother. The grandmother is a different story. But again, my son is not the problem, I have my space with him, and my wishes and desires are totally respected when it comes to him. It's my stepson who is the issue.
7. I'm still trying to figure out who you're sooo angry at?
8. And again, am I supposed to be like many males in today's society and just run? Run away from a conflict or problem?Sorry. That's not me my friend. No, I'm not John Wayne, but I am a real man. I live my life with a lot more responsibility than that. I know we're a dying breed, but we're out there.
Cheers.

 

[bigwhiskey]

Question have you tried applying a good old fashion belt to behind. Unless he has some mental issues if he's in your house put a belt on his behind.take his electronics and give them to another child or smash them and make sure he see's it. Let him know there is a price to pay for his actions.

 

[mofongoloco]

This thread has been a delight to read. i dont have kids but i come from a very large family. So i have no advice to offer OP. But it has been quite interesting hearing men discuss issues about step parenting and parenting in general. kudos to all. I have a step father once i grew and learned to think of someone other than myself i recognized what he did for all of us. There was no Oprah back then to tell people how to live. He is the man I most admire in this world.

OP, good luck.

 

[Meemselle]

I had no children of my own, and when I met my Dominican husband he had three who he was bringing up alone. The first two he had alone since the youngest was 3 weeks old (Dominican culture when a couple split up usually the man takes the boys and the woman the girls). He took another 'wife' thinking she would be a mother to his kids and had another child with her. She beat his children to the extent of breaking bones and then ran off to Spain with a Spaniard leaving her kid behind - although some 4 years later she came back to get him. When I met him he said he had kids but if I didn't want them, or if I would beat them he would send them to live with his sister. I said not to be stupid and we would give it a go. Firstly, their respect for me and their father was amazing. No answering back, always doing what they were asked to do and very helpful. I cannot explain the joy for someone who was childless, sitting in bed with them reading a story at bedtime which no one had ever done before. No one had cuddled them, praised them and they were like sponges wanting to learn. Did they drive me mad, yes totally did my head in with the lack of tidying up, the disappearance of everything in the fridge, the giving away of my clothes to poor Haitians, but I would not have changed it for the world. The secret is in trying to find what it is they want and they need and understand what works in UK and US doesn't necessarily work here. They love to help, love to be involved in sports so baseball, basketball, karate are all great. They love studying but only when you are involved - have little self motivation to do it alone. Is it a challenge, yes and extremely frustrating at time, but little by little they will become the people they deserve to be. You can only do your best.

Matilda

I love you.

 

[Meemselle]

Question have you tried applying a good old fashion belt to behind. Unless he has some mental issues if he's in your house put a belt on his behind.take his electronics and give them to another child or smash them and make sure he see's it. Let him know there is a price to pay for his actions.

Really. You are really suggesting beating a child with a belt. I am sorry if you find this judgemental. Not my intention. Everybody has their right and their responsibility to parent as they see fit.

Take away the gadgets. Give him/her extra chores. Make them earn back the gadgets. But beat them? All that teaches them is that it's OK to beat their children and there you have a cycle.

 

[cbmitch9]

1. What may seem basic to you, may not be basic for others.
2. I understand the line about partnering with a person with the same beliefs, morals and values, but upbringing as well? Should we all just live in a caste system? If that's the case, nobody would ever leave their place of birth. I know many couples that partnered up, married, and had children for these very same reasons: same beliefs, morals, values, and upbringing, and you know what it resulted in? An expensive divorce.
3. Correct, you should never try to change anybody. This is impossible.
4. Life is short, yes. Save myself? From what? My son?
5. I am not, nor will I ever permit another person to "break" me. I have experienced way too many major experiences in my life to allow petty annoyances affect me. Annoying yes. Capable of "breaking" me? Never.
6. Take my son and run? I have thought of moving further away from the abuela, but I wouldn't take my son away from his mother. She'd come with us. She hasn't done anything wrong towards my son, and my son is deserving of his mother. The grandmother is a different story. But again, my son is not the problem, I have my space with him, and my wishes and desires are totally respected when it comes to him. It's my stepson who is the issue.
7. I'm still trying to figure out who you're sooo angry at?
8. And again, am I supposed to be like many males in today's society and just run? Run away from a conflict or problem?Sorry. That's not me my friend. No, I'm not John Wayne, but I am a real man. I live my life with a lot more responsibility than that. I know we're a dying breed, but we're out there.
Cheers.

sanpedrogringo, I hope you did not don't take it personal.

I am not angry perse. Just at the the ones who raise kids with totally bad manners and no boundaries. I have been in the school system and have seen the terror those kids reign on others. It's nice to see that you choose to stick in and not run. That's an admirable quality because most of us men do run and don't give a damn about what they leave behind. I am not advocating that any father run from a kid that's his. But for anyone to stay in a mess that's not of their doing is a bit mad in my opinion. Many people come to this country and make relationship mistakes that they would never ever make in their own country. My comment on having different morals, beliefs, and up bringing should not be taken as belief in a caste system because that's not what it's about and I'll leave it at that because it's wrong to cast a wide net and make judgements but I think most people understand where I am coming from by making that statement. Most of my comments were made to provoke a conversation and it did just that. A child without boundaries, a household where both partners or other caregivers have different parenting styles, values, etc..is a recipe for disaster. But who am I to judge? One man's disaster is another man's heaven. Anyone who tries to help a child is a warrior in the purest sense of the word but at times stepping away from the situation gives you a better perspective and allows you to help in ways that you would never be able to. Change the way you look at things and the things you look at changes.

 

[bigwhiskey]

Really. You are really suggesting beating a child with a belt. I am sorry if you find this judgemental. Not my intention. Everybody has their right and their responsibility to parent as they see fit.

Take away the gadgets. Give him/her extra chores. Make them earn back the gadgets. But beat them? All that teaches them is that it's OK to beat their children and there you have a cycle.

Old fashion discipline never hurts You confusing discipline with abuse I'm sure many of us here has had their father or mother apply something on our rear end we have good productive lives and don't beat our kids or wives .
Guess what lack of discipline is abuse also and it worse than a old fashion application of a belt to behind.
Think about it when you see a kid cussing out their parent or more messed stuff.

 

[mofongoloco]

On those occasions when my mom was so ****ed off she knew not to touch us,mew had to wait until Dad came home. He sat down. I stood in front of him. *He explained what I did wrong and my punishment was a spanking. *Not over the knee. *No belt. Crying pleading and apologizing meant nothing. *The punishment counted, then it was over. *I'd still be crying and he would say it all over now.Go out and play.*

God I love that man.*

 

[malko]

Old fashion discipline never hurts You confusing discipline with abuse I'm sure many of us here has had their father or mother apply something on our rear end we have good productive lives and don't beat our kids or wives .
Guess what lack of discipline is abuse also and it worse than a old fashion application of a belt to behind.
Think about it when you see a kid cussing out their parent or more messed stuff.

I often wonder if a couple of good slaps would of changed the life of those*chivos sin ley, for the better. And I am pretty sure the answer is Yes.

Hell, at elementry school, teachers used to whack us with rulers.
Ok not that often and only when everything else had failed. But still, sometimes it is necessary.

And no I am not a 112 year old from Congo.
I am 36 and was at school in France, so it wasnt that long ago.

 

[bob saunders]

On those occasions when my mom was so ****ed off she knew not to touch us,mew had to wait until Dad came home. He sat down. I stood in front of him. *He explained what I did wrong and my punishment was a spanking. *Not over the knee. *No belt. Crying pleading and apologizing meant nothing. *The punishment counted, then it was over. *I'd still be crying and he would say it all over now.Go out and play.*

God I love that man.*

Exactly like the song Daddies Hands. Never punish when angry and make the punishment fit the crime. I have four brothers and we used to give mom a rough time once in a while,until she uttered those words " wait until your dad gets home.

 

[GringoRubio]

So, I've really been putting my foot down about the kids behavior, and now I kicked him out of my house. (He has another house with the uncle). He's been staying out late, nobody knows where he his, when he comes home he demands food. He takes without asking. Everything has to be on his terms. It's just ridiculous.

I told him that he needs to decide if he's part of the family or not. If wants to live in the Calle, so be it but he doesn't have a house. He called my bluff and I told him "maybe, but I'm sure the primas will give you some floor and food for 50 pesos". They now live in a hovel over run by coachroaches.

He tried getting through door and I put him on the floor and dragged him out. "I'm sorry, but you are no longer welcome here.". Of course, the storm broke at that moment, so he stood outside looking pathetic. I ignored him, but after 10 minutes, I gave him the finger and he left.

I know, I feel terrible. I swear he's going to grow up to murder people someday.

 

[the gorgon]

So, I've really been putting my foot down about the kids behavior, and now I kicked him out of my house. (He has another house with the uncle). He's been staying out late, nobody knows where he his, when he comes home he demands food. He takes without asking. Everything has to be on his terms. It's just ridiculous.

I told him that he needs to decide if he's part of the family or not. If wants to live in the Calle, so be it but he doesn't have a house. He called my bluff and I told him "maybe, but I'm sure the primas will give you some floor and food for 50 pesos". They now live in a hovel over run by coachroaches.

He tried getting through door and I put him on the floor and dragged him out. "I'm sorry, but you are no longer welcome here.". Of course, the storm broke at that moment, so he stood outside looking pathetic. I ignored him, but after 10 minutes, I gave him the finger and he left.

I know, I feel terrible. I swear he's going to grow up to murder people someday.

sounds like he would murder people today. watch your back.

 

[GringoRubio]

sounds like he would murder people today. watch your back.

If it was in his interest, I doubt he'd have any issues with his conscience.

 

[the gorgon]

If it was in his interest, I doubt he'd have any issues with his conscience.

that is exactly what i am talking about. guys who will do you without remorse are the worst kind.

 

[GringoRubio]

The 9 year old that I've been talking about (okay, I've been whining) has had a sudden change in behavior. Now a sweet boy, he makes regular visits to his mom for hugs and kisses, shows up on time, doesn't complain about his food, eats well, plays with his friends, no back talk, no sociopathic behavior, etc.

I was confused. Did I read this all wrong and I'm losing my mind? Should I be a little self-indulgent thinking that I finally got through to him? All wrong.

Apparently, my move to Sosua for several days and subsequent negotiations prompted some changes in family. His mother is threatening him with a move to Haiti where an aunt will look after him. He's absolutely terrified of Haiti as he's lived there several times before. Last time they sent him it was a bit of a disaster. At least, it pierced his bubble that he's the only person in the world. I knew it was going to take some big guns.

Now to reinforce the more appropriate behavior....

 

[lifeisgreat]

Hahaha scared straight with threat of Haiti...priceless