We have here on this island something that resembles a ferret or mongoose. They are brown, built low to the ground, and have a small brown tail. They look a little like a North American brown squirrel, only flatter, and instead of hopping, they scurry across the ground very quickly. In many way, they remind of my ex-girlfriend, only they don’t bite as hard.
There is a lot of folklore about this animal here on the island. There is also a lot of misinformation and half-truths spread about this animal. Like everything on this island, locals invent fantastic, creative stories our straight out of a science fiction novel. These ferrets are extremely shy creatures and will go to extreme lengths to avoid human contact.
My father and I had a very large extended family of ferrets/mongoose living directly above our bedroom for a decade. If I had to take a bar stool guess—and I have been drinking coffee all morning—I would say—and I know this will sound like an exaggeration—about 30 to 40 family members along with their extended family members and in-laws living with us. Let me explain.
My father inherited his parents shack in Bonao in 1993 when he retired in America. The shack was built sometime in the 30’s or 40’s and went through several incarnations before resembling something out of Gilligan’s Island…minus Marie-Ann and Ginger. I had a crush on Marie-Ann. I wanted her to have my babies. I also fantasized about a three-way with her and Ginger.
After my father moved into the shack, he immediately went about making modifications that resembled something from the Beverly Hillbilly TV show and the Unibomber’s--Ted Kazinki’s Montana shack. The first thing he did was install a drop down plywood ceiling. The reason for the drop down plywood ceiling was because the roof was corrugated tin and it liked cooking all day long in the sun—which had the comical effect of making our hair stand straight up and catch on fire. My hair spontaneously combusted on several occasions and we had to always have a fire extinguisher nearby. The tin roof also heated the house up to boiling point where he temperature hovered around 123 degrees Fahrenheit. I know this because I routinely measured it every day by holding a thermometer up near the roof. By 1pm in the afternoon there was no reason whatsoever to turn on the stove. You could simply place your food into a skillet and hold it underneath the corrugated tin ceiling for about 5 minutes and watch it cook instantly. It was as fast as a microwave oven, maybe faster.
My father’s Dominican logic—and he was pure Dominican hillbilly and proud of it—was that to keep the heat from reaching our poker game (we played poker every afternoon with a group of retirees) we simply needed to install a drop down plywood ceiling. This had the comical side effect of both trapping the heat above our head for 24 hours, and also inviting every mongoose/ferret within the Cibao valley—along with their extended families--to move in above us and live rent free.
Well, this is not entirely true. The ferrets decided to pay their way by eating every rat and field mouse within a two square mile radius. It was a win-win situation, but like all things Dominican, it came with problems and consequences. One of them was that the ferrets like waking up bright and early at 5:50am every morning when the sun starts rising. The other problem is that before disembarking into the fields around our house and clocking into work, they liked to play a game of tag which sometimes lasted longer than one hour before they all left the house for the afternoon.
Once the ferrets left the house, there would be complete silence and it was eerie. Very eerie. It was bizarre…one minute there would be 30 or 40 ferrets chasing each other back and forth—fighting and playing and having group sex and orgies—the next minute they all left the house and ran into the fields and would not return until the sun went down and they were full of mutton. It was the same routine everyday—rain or shine—hurricane or earthquake. They left at sunrise, and came back at sunset. You could set your watch by it. It was pure clockwork.
Now to dispel some myths about these animals. My father had around15 chickens and roosters—including Guinean fowls--a large zebra striped bird that resembles a mating between a race car and a zebra; these birds like to scream for absolutely no reason at all and wake up the whole neighborhood in a sort of celebration of making it one more day without being eaten.
Anyway, my father and I lived in his shack with 30 to 40 ferrets and never once in 10 years did we ever lose a chicken or rooster to any ferret. Not one. Zero. Nada. If the ferrets had attacked the guinea fowls and eaten them I would have built an extension onto our shack to accommodate even more family members. I hated these birds with every muscle fiber in my body.
Now, a little about Dominican myths, superstitions, misinformation, and half-truths. Dominicans are filled with so much misinformation that you could write an encyclopedia on it. They are chalk full of half-truths. Every one of them—including the supposedly educated ones. They love misinformation, and the more fantastical the better. An example I saw of this was this: a Dominican child died from either Dengue Fever or malaria ( I can’t remember), and the parents who were illiterate and poor and lived down our street next to the river, started spreading rumors that a ferret killed their child. Did it matter that the child had already been diagnosed with Dengue Fever or Malaria at the hospital that I drove them to? No. Did it matter that the child had no bite marks on her? No. Did it matter no one saw a ferret bite the child? No. Poor people—and this is not exclusive to only Dominicans—lash out at anything that can help explain a senseless death. They want answers. They will blame witches, blame voodoo, blame snakes, blame the weather…in short, they will blame anything available. Why? Because everyone wants answers to a death.
Ferrets/mongoose and snakes get such a bad rap here in this country. Does it matter that they control the rats and field mice? No. does it matter that they do not harm people? No. Rumors and superstitions and false information will continue to be spread about them. If you doubt this, simply look at all the people here who still believe in witches and will even spread rumors of witches colliding with each other over a church in Moca in 2011 with plenty of eye witness accounts of the event that it warranted being spoken about on national radio.
Frank