They'll make you laugh, but mostly groan...


Jan 1, 2002
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say,
“Your password is incorrect.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’m great at multi-tasking--- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Hmm

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 % don’t care and the other 80 % are glad you have them.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected???

Take my advice – I’m not using it.

I hate when people use big words just to makes themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a
more-talented fool.

I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe

If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting
on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver’s test – the other two guys managed
to jump out of her way...:/)

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

Give me ambiguity or give me ... Well... something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don’t have to mow it.:)

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.!!!

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is obviously not for you

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.... And evil.?!!

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery...

And in memory -
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip


Well-known member
Mar 22, 2020
And in memory -
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

My all time fave!


Apr 1, 2014
There is no "I" in TEAM but there is an "I" in WIN.
- Michael Jordan.

My all time fave!


Oct 9, 2007
Yogi was the best.....

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.
The future ain’t what it used to be
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase
When you come to a fork in the road, take it
It ain’t over till it’s over
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded. :ROFLMAO:

JD Jones

Moderator - Covid 19 in DR & North Coast
Jan 7, 2016
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

28.. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?


Jan 1, 2002
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.