Ok, listen to me very carefully...this is serious business. very, very serious business. Here's a little known fact that i'm going to share with you right now: Yes, there are werewolves on this island, and yes, it's a little known fact that the government does their best to cover up and suppress. They want to keep this information out of the media becuase, obviously, it can have grave, dire consequences on tourism. I've shot at many of werewolves on the North Coast and the Cibao Valley, usually for sport, but, sometimes to keep them at bay and keep the werewolf population from breeding out of control. Unfortunately, they're crafty creatures and fast, and often i've missed them even when i've had them clearly in my sight. Fortunately, i'm a lifetime card holding member of both the NRA and FDA, and this has allowed me special, uninterupted access to an assortment of anti-werewolf firearms and assualt weapons that the general public does'nt have access too.
Please feel free to contact me at your earliest conveniance if you should see a werewolf in person. Do not, i repeat, do not try to approach one of these creatures unarmed!! Also, prepare your house and doorways with garlic. lots of garlic. you can never be in possession of too much of whats fondly referred to as the "Stinky Rose." Secondly, make yourself a good wooden stake, about two feet long. Make it very sharp. be prepared to drive it into the heart of the werewolf if he or she appears unannounced at your door. Be especially weary if someone knocks on your door claiming to be Jehovah Witnesses or Mormons. This is a very common disguise. Werewolves often come knocking on your door on the Sabbath (early in the morning...at ungodly hours) and carry with them a Watchtower magazine. However, other times, they sport name tags on the front of their cheap sythetic white shirts. They dress horribly, and inisist on wearing impractical clothing--black polyester pants, fake leather black shoes, synthetic white shirts, clip-on ties, and name tags. They love name tags! They always wear their name tags on their front pockets and use names culled from the Bible. Be on your guard when you see this. Arm yourself! Arm yourself to the teeth if you see anyone approaching your door carrying either Watchtower magazines or name tags attached to cheap, ungodly synthetic or polyester clothing. This is a first sign that they are Werewolves. However, as i mentioned before, their crafty creatures, very crafty, so, sometimes, they will hang out in bars and nightclubs and appear warm and friendly. Don't let this fool you. This is ruse. Once they get behind closed doors, their canines grow into fangs and their nails protrude enormously. Oh yeah, they have big hair. Enormous hair. Towering hair. Gigantic hair. They use lots of hair spray.
When they approach you, they come at you at an angle. Be on your guard, they're very passive-aggressive, and they often take a low center of gravity stance before they attack. It's hard to ward them off when they have their nails out and the fangs at the ready. If you see them assume this position: low to the floor in a sort of crouching, kung-fu like stance--be ready for a full on frontal attack. Once they assume this position, it maybe too late to flee. In this case, draw our wooden stake, hold onto your wallet, car keys, cell phones, phone cards, scooter keys, hair spray, and remote control, and be ready to counter-attack. It's not going to get pretty from this point on, so you got to be ready to dig in, take control of the situation, and be prepared to use everything in your immediate vicinity to counter attack. At this point, you can either choose to be a victim or be the victor. It's your choice. Werwolves don't understand logic.
Sincerely, Frank
