Subject: 1st Annual "Duh" Awards
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. [wanna bet
on her hair color]?
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive
actress]
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of
my body,"
! --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to read
crime stats when you're stoned]
"We're go ing to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country
away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000
years, you'd think they had ! rights or something]
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark, Danny
was never really good at the stats part of baseball]
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go
one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined
oxygen masks, Lee]
"I was provided with additional input that was radically
different from the truth. I assisted ! in furthering that
version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony.
[Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie....L-I-E-D]
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
-- A sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- ! Bill C! linton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I
could converse with those people."
-! - Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of
Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a
state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49
states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique
situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that
one]
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South
Carolina [right after you call the New York Times]
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in
which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force.
We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British
newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the
night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off
your food stamps]
Tim H.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. [wanna bet
on her hair color]?
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive
actress]
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of
my body,"
! --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to read
crime stats when you're stoned]
"We're go ing to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country
away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000
years, you'd think they had ! rights or something]
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark, Danny
was never really good at the stats part of baseball]
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go
one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined
oxygen masks, Lee]
"I was provided with additional input that was radically
different from the truth. I assisted ! in furthering that
version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony.
[Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie....L-I-E-D]
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
-- A sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- ! Bill C! linton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I
could converse with those people."
-! - Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of
Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a
state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49
states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique
situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that
one]
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South
Carolina [right after you call the New York Times]
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in
which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force.
We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British
newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the
night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off
your food stamps]
Tim H.
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