I couldn't sleep last night and as I lay there awake I've come to some realizations about life. I thought I would share them with you as they may be something we have in common or even something that may help you in life::
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... Now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... Now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
