Jewish Fly
This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.
A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. "Listen, I'd really like to meet that girl, can you help me".
Sure says the bartender, "have you ever heard of Jewish Fly".
"No, is it like Spanish Fly", replies the man.
"Much better than that." Says the bartender.
The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.
A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.
The man walks over, sits down and says "May I get you another drink"
"No", she says in a deep sexy voice,
"But you can take me shopping"
Jew and Arab
Mr. Weissenblat, a middle-aged meek Jew, is on a plane for Israel, in a window seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Arab wearing a beautiful gaudy multi- colored gown walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off.
All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Weissenblat realizes that he has to go to the washroom. That wouldn't be a problem, but he looks over and notices that the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Weissenblat, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he'll hold it in till the Arab wakes up.
But as luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Weiseenbalt is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable. After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!" -- He throws up all over the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" And sits there in apprehension waiting for the Arab to wake up.
Finally, the Arab wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him.
PUNCHLINE:
Mr. Weissenblat says to him, "Well, do you feel better now?"
Naches
[The Yiddish word you need to know is 'naches' It rhymes with Bach' us with "Bach" pronounced like the composer. Naches is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. Lots of naches. So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:]
Two women are sitting having coffee.
"So how's your daughter??
"Oh Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!?
"Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer??
"Yes, that's her."
"Nice. And isn't she the same one that married the doctor??
"Yes, that's my Rachel!"
"And didn't she marry the bank executive before that??
"Yes, yes!?
"Ahhh. So much naches from one child!
Jewish Lottery Wish
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.
A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. "Listen, I'd really like to meet that girl, can you help me".
Sure says the bartender, "have you ever heard of Jewish Fly".
"No, is it like Spanish Fly", replies the man.
"Much better than that." Says the bartender.
The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.
A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.
The man walks over, sits down and says "May I get you another drink"
"No", she says in a deep sexy voice,
"But you can take me shopping"
Jew and Arab
Mr. Weissenblat, a middle-aged meek Jew, is on a plane for Israel, in a window seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Arab wearing a beautiful gaudy multi- colored gown walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off.
All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Weissenblat realizes that he has to go to the washroom. That wouldn't be a problem, but he looks over and notices that the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Weissenblat, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he'll hold it in till the Arab wakes up.
But as luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Weiseenbalt is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable. After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!" -- He throws up all over the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" And sits there in apprehension waiting for the Arab to wake up.
Finally, the Arab wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him.
PUNCHLINE:
Mr. Weissenblat says to him, "Well, do you feel better now?"
Naches
[The Yiddish word you need to know is 'naches' It rhymes with Bach' us with "Bach" pronounced like the composer. Naches is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. Lots of naches. So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:]
Two women are sitting having coffee.
"So how's your daughter??
"Oh Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!?
"Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer??
"Yes, that's her."
"Nice. And isn't she the same one that married the doctor??
"Yes, that's my Rachel!"
"And didn't she marry the bank executive before that??
"Yes, yes!?
"Ahhh. So much naches from one child!
Jewish Lottery Wish
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"