Liberal or Traditional ways in a relationship with a Dominican man ......

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Toronto Girl 11

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Hello Everyone,
I have read many of the reviews posted on this forum and I would like to thank everyone for giving their honest input as many of their views have impacted my understanding of the R.D. culture. Thanks !!!

I have an issue that require some understanding and of course your honest input
I really need your help......

Background:
I have been living in Toronto for about 15 years and living in such a cosmopolitan country I have had the honour of meeting many people from all over the world (including many people from R.D. who resides in T.O.) I was born and I lived in Trinidad for about 10years so I do understand the island concept of drinking, eating, dancing and enjoying life to the fullest.....I have had one Dominican boyfriend about 11/2 yrs ago and now I?m dating another Dominican from Puerto Plata who I met here in Toronto.
Oh, I know the R.D culture fairly well as I went to university with many people both male and female from R.D and I was able to visit your country and learn a little about the culture.
So here goes???????????????

Problem:
Why are Dominican men so hard to understand? When they meet me it?s all good.. I?m fairly fluent in Spanish, I know how to cook and dance Merengue and Bachata well but I still do not understand what a Dominicano wants?I have been told I look Dominicana which they really like ..but the problem lies in my independent ways.. After living up here for 15 yrs Canada makes you from very independent and apparently Dominicanos do not like it?.why???? What do independent ways mean??? I do not want to control them but I want to share in the experiences of a relationship together??.

I have discussed this situation with my other friends and they believe it?s a struggle between traditional Dominican ways vs. liberal Canadian ways?.Can we strike a balance in order to make our relationship work ???? OR Is it a lost cause ????

If anyone can give me some input on how I can understand the mindsets when it comes to relationships with Dominicanos please feel free to post??.

Thanks, Toronto Girl 11
 
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Alyonka

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There were posts on this subject on this site before. I am not sure if it all Dominican men, but my experience was - machismo. What else can you say? It feels like you are a child and he is your daddy. They are very very jealous, posessive and controlling. It is crazy. If you like it - go for it. But such relationships are difficult in western societies where both men and women work together. You have to speak with other men for work. They don't like it. It can work but very frustrating sometimes.
 
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Talldrink

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Jan 7, 2004
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TO Girl, I agree with you and I struggle with the same issues. I have met many that expect to call whenever they feel like it and we are supposed to be at home waiting for the call or an invite to be able to go out or see them. In the meantime your life should be at standstill until they come around... yeah, right!!

My thoughts are, if they do this at the beginning of the getting-to-know-you phase, let it go, dropt it at once. This will set the standard of what they feel is ok with you and what they feel is appropriate behavior for them thereafter.

Like Avora said, if you like, go for it. If it bothers you, then let it go. Nobody changes, we have to change ourselves...
 
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Alyonka

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This is what a dominican man wrote when I asked the same question:

"By and large, we are possessive, jealous and controlling. A wife/ gf is like a child to us. We treat them with the same care and love we would treat our daughter.

If you try to assert yourself i.e. independence, liberated attitude, we frown on that type of behaviour. That spells the beginning of the end. If such modus operandi is continued, it's the death knell for the relationship.

The woman's input is extremely important. It's up to her to make the DR male feel loved, cared for or rejected. We Dominicans expect that the woman will take care of us as if we were helpless, defenseless babies.

If you don't display this behavior, he will take it you are apathetic and uncaring. YOU MUST SHOW WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. This isn't a cold scandinavian country where you hide your feelings. This isn't a rigid anglo saxon culture circa 17th century colonial America where expression is forbidden.

DR men are used to women showing their love via meals. Extremely important to DR culture is when a woman invites a man to a home cooked meal. Not a liberated gringa inviting a male to a restaurant. Man there's no bigger turn-off. Remember this is your boyfriend, not a business meeting to discuss budgeting and expenditures or the most cost effective fashion to import salmon.

You must do the cooking. That shows personal care, attention. DR men inside need to continue that maternal affection via the wife. Their male strength is accentuated by such behaviour."

This sums it all up. Good luck!
 
T

Toronto Girl 11

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May 2, 2006
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Hey All,
Thanks for your advice.. Well -noted.......

It's hard sometimes to show everything all at once.....So, if you are in the getting to know each other mode and i do not feel all the love at the beginning how am i suppose to show him how i feel.....?

The way to a man's heart is through the well cooked meals ....., right?
 
T

Talldrink

El Mujeron
Jan 7, 2004
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There's more to them than just food... Dominican men are different. Unless you are willing to put up with their ways, good luck with that. Im still looking for an Americanized one that has the best of both worlds...
 
A

Alyonka

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Jun 3, 2006
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Toronto Girl 11 said:
Hey All,
Thanks for your advice.. Well -noted.......

It's hard sometimes to show everything all at once.....So, if you are in the getting to know each other mode and i do not feel all the love at the beginning how am i suppose to show him how i feel.....?

The way to a man's heart is through the well cooked meals ....., right?
Click to expand...

That advice was well past "get to know you" stage. Don't show feelings you don't have. They will see right through you and notice everything that is a fake. Be yourself and never lie - he will not trust you if you do. Actually being yourself is the best thing you can do.
 
T

Toronto Girl 11

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May 2, 2006
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Many thanks .....

I must be true to myself before i can be true to anyone else......I really want i to work so i will heed your advice.
I wish i can enter his mind and figure out everything but it may reveal some little secrets i wouldn't like.....

Thanks again,
TG 11
 
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AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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Toronto Girl 11 said:
I wish i can enter his mind and figure out everything but it may reveal some little secrets i wouldn't like.....

Thanks again,
TG 11
Click to expand...

What's important to you? What is it that you could and couldn't live with. A relationship is a two way street and if you're not the kind that will sit at home and wait for him to show up then don't do it or you'll be in for a lifetime of unhappyness.
 
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M.A.R.

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Feb 18, 2006
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diste en el clavo

Avrora said:
This is what a dominican man wrote when I asked the same question:

"By and large, we are possessive, jealous and controlling. A wife/ gf is like a child to us. We treat them with the same care and love we would treat our daughter.

If you try to assert yourself i.e. independence, liberated attitude, we frown on that type of behaviour. That spells the beginning of the end. If such modus operandi is continued, it's the death knell for the relationship.

The woman's input is extremely important. It's up to her to make the DR male feel loved, cared for or rejected. We Dominicans expect that the woman will take care of us as if we were helpless, defenseless babies.

If you don't display this behavior, he will take it you are apathetic and uncaring. YOU MUST SHOW WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. This isn't a cold scandinavian country where you hide your feelings. This isn't a rigid anglo saxon culture circa 17th century colonial America where expression is forbidden.

DR men are used to women showing their love via meals. Extremely important to DR culture is when a woman invites a man to a home cooked meal. Not a liberated gringa inviting a male to a restaurant. Man there's no bigger turn-off. Remember this is your boyfriend, not a business meeting to discuss budgeting and expenditures or the most cost effective fashion to import salmon.

You must do the cooking. That shows personal care, attention. DR men inside need to continue that maternal affection via the wife. Their male strength is accentuated by such behaviour."

This sums it all up. Good luck!
Click to expand...

this pretty much describes them in the way that I see it.

When I had my first job at an office in NYC one of the bosses had a BBQ at his house and I was sort of in shock when I notice he was the only one doing the grilling and basically attending to the guests. Back then I thought there was something wrong with his wife I wasn't used to men doing any kind of cooking or any house chores.

Growing up In my circle all I saw was the men getting together and talking and drinking and the women bringing them their beer or just passing them whatever they asked for :bored:
 
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trina

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M.A.R. said:
this pretty much describes them in the way that I see it.

When I had my first job at an office in NYC one of the bosses had a BBQ at his house and I was sort of in shock when I notice he was the only one doing the grilling and basically attending to the guests. Back then I thought there was something wrong with his wife I wasn't used to men doing any kind of cooking or any house chores.

Growing up In my circle all I saw was the men getting together and talking and drinking and the women bringing them their beer or just passing them whatever they asked for :bored:
Click to expand...


When Angel first moved here, I was working and pregnant, waiting to go on maternity leave. He wasn't working yet, and he would stay up late watching TV. He woke me up at midnight once to tell me that he was hungry...let's just say he never did that again. I was pregnant, bitchy, and tired. Welcome to the Western world.

He's become quite Canadianized, and never has been the controlling type. He doesn't like to be controlled, and doesn't try to control. He does laundry (although he'll never fold and put away), loads and unloads the dishwasher, and cooks nearly all of our meals. He changes diapers, bathes the kids, is involved in their sports and schoolwork, and vaccuums. The only thing he doesn't do is sweeping and mopping floors, but I can handle that. Angel's mom was very sick when he was young and couldn't get out of bed for years - Angel grew up doing all these things, so I got lucky. We also have a Dominican friend staying with us, though, and also does his share around the house. They are both excellent chefs - in fact, I know several Dominican men that can cook very well.

I do agree that the way to a Dominican man's heart is through his stomach.
 
M

M.A.R.

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Lord even now when we all get together for holidays, since the family is so big we usually do buffet style dinner but the wives always prepare the plates for the husband. I was the only bitchy one who wouldn't want to do that :) with my ex husband but on occassions I would do it.
 
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trina

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M.A.R. said:
Lord even now when we all get together for holidays, since the family is so big we usually do buffet style dinner but the wives always prepare the plates for the husband. I was the only bitchy one who wouldn't want to do that :) with my ex husband but on occassions I would do it.
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I never understood that - how the h*ll do I know what you want to eat, or how much?
 
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Alyonka

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A woman is supposed to understand their feelings and desires, to know what they like, want, need, etc. without them even saying it. They want 100% unconditional love. Men from my culture are completely the same - want a mother and a wife at the same time. The biggest thing is not to loose yourself and not to forget what it is important to you too.
 
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Toronto Girl 11

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May 2, 2006
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Is it ok for a Dominican man to make my coffee or take out my food?
It seems quite old fashioned in the 21st century with a dual income family for the female to be doing everything....
What's the big deal if i make my own coffee and you make yours...
Dominican men , tell me why is this so important.......
 
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Toronto Girl 11

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unconditional love @ 100% ......ok ???

Are they just as intutive to their female counterpart i.e. their wife or girlfriend.
 
M

M.A.R.

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Feb 18, 2006
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Toronto Girl 11 said:
Is it ok for a Dominican man to make my coffee or take out my food?
It seems quite old fashioned in the 21st century with a dual income family for the female to be doing everything....
What's the big deal if i make my own coffee and you make yours...
Dominican men , tell me why is this so important.......
Click to expand...

read Avrora's response she hit it right on - this is how you show him your affection by tending to his needs, e.g. making sure his clothes are always clean and ironed, his coffee is ready in the morning, his food is on the table when he comes home etc etc.

wow I see this behavior allllll the time with my sister in law and my brother. He works all day and provides for his family 100% but he does not move a finger once he gets home and she's the traditional wife who does everything for him. she might nag about certain things but his food is always on the table, of course rice everyday of the year and all the other things "wives' do".
 
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