Why Can't I own Canadians?

CFA123

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May 29, 2004
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Laura Schlessinger, a US radio personality said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2.
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
 

Hillbilly

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Jan 1, 2002
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Absolutely brilliant. Applause. I have longed wished for someone to produce such a string of absurdities straight from the Holy Book.

Makes my day!!

HB
 

Africaida

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Jun 19, 2009
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Very funny !!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing wrong with religion, what I don't understand is why some people start using their brain because of it :ermm:
 

Celt202

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May 22, 2004
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1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I wouldn't really want to own a Canadian outright. I mean they talk funny and hog the TV if there's a hockey game on. A lot of them smell like fish too.

Is there a market for owning a time-share on a Canadian who's good at odd jobs?

French speaking is not an obstacle. (tabernac)

Eh? :cheeky:
 
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jrhartley

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Sep 10, 2008
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Catholic teaching forbids homogenital acts as well as contraception, masturbation, and pre-marital and extra-marital sex.

there are a lot of sinners out there
 

greydread

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Jan 3, 2007
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Well we are buggered then - so to speak.

Hell is going to be a laugh a minute

<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XKE3dIrRIbg?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XKE3dIrRIbg?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></object>
 

DMV123

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Mar 31, 2010
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I wouldn't really want to own a Canadian outright. I mean they talk funny and hog the TV if there's a hockey game on. A lot of them smell like fish too.

Is there a market for owning a time-share on a Canadian who's good at odd jobs?

French speaking is not an obstacle. (tabernac)

Eh? :cheeky:


OH my God, laughing so hard I almost peed myself. I can just see the new timeshare companies opening now......... ;)
 
May 29, 2006
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You are being very nice to her :cheeky:
I can't believe she makes a lot of money doing so :paranoid:

There is big money in fear and lunacy. Glenn Beck makes over $20 million a year with his media empire with his books, his radio show, his daily rant on FOX and his website. His sponsors sell gold at high mark-ups, "survivor seeds"($150 for about $30 worth of seeds) and gun safes. Ann Coulter is small time compared to Beck or Rush Limbaugh.
 

Africaida

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Jun 19, 2009
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I beg to differ. .There is a LOT wrong with believing in imaginary beings and myths as if they are real.

I think you meant to say that some religious people stop using their brains. That "stoppage' is just one of the problems of "believing".

Oops, yeah, exactly what I meant !!:cheeky:

I think "believing" and "stoppage" do not have to go together though.