A year or so ago, I applied for one of them passes that lets you be a BIG shot and keep your shoes on when going through airport security. Hey, it was worth the $100 application fee, though I?m convinced the money is used by Sarah Palin to fund the anti-immigration program to keep the lazy Mexicans out of this ?free? country.
The process was typically, uh, governmental, a word synonymous with bureaucratic. I filled out a zillion forms and waded through the process. I never expected to get the clearance cuz I?m no good with dotting i?s. But lo and behold, months later I received an email that the final step, the interview at the customs office was arranged. I was told that it was a cakewalk.
However, I forgot about something. I sort of lied on my application. Yes yes yes, I was arrested, TWICE! I?m saying it now; the truth will set me free. But I didn?t exactly say yes on the customs application. I said no just like I always do. Never a problem. Hey, it was 30 years ago! In one case, my lawyer told me my records were expunged. In the other, I learned the courtroom burned down along with all the records and no, I am not an arsonist. This was at a time when Bill Gates was still going to the kiddie?s section in Bloomingdales and records were kept by hand. And the crimes were pussy-like; I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Like, in jail, I had to tell my fellow mates that I almost got away with robbing a bank. In truth, I forged a prescription for Valium. I was arrested twice for the same stoopid thing. So, I kept it a secret from everyone and began to believe I was a model citizen.
I should have known better. The government knows all, hears all and is probably gonna file this missive in my massive file. I walked into the stately government building on Bowling Green for my interview. I went to the appropriate room and was left alone. That is, except for a TV playing what I thought was government propaganda. So, I kept my earbuds firmly in place and played games on my iPad. Little did I know, the TV was playing the instructions for the interview.
After only 5 minutes or so, a customs agent called me to the counter and made some reference to the videotape. I asked if I could get a replay cuz I sort of missed it, haha. Nope, the guy had no sense of humor and things started out on the wrong foot. Then he cut to the chase.
Customs dude: Were you arrested before?
Me: A hesitant NO.
Customs dude: Are you sure?
Me: Hmmm, now I had to think fast. Is he testing me or does he know THE TRUTH? I took my chances and said NO again.
Customs dude: Do you know it?s a crime to lie to federal agent?
Me: I knew the jig was up. I could only get down on my bended knees and repent and beg forgiveness.
Believe it or not, I was turned down. My shoes were not to be trusted!
I wrote a letter to the BIG BOSS at customs, J. Edgar Hoover, or someone like that. I apologized and explained and begged for another chance. Nothing, no response. I figured I was destined to wear sandals for my trips through airport security. But lo and behold, out of nowhere, I got an email that another interview was scheduled. Can the government really be so forgiving? Or were they tired of having to hold their breath when I went through the line? Stay tuned.
Speaking of customs, I recently returned from the Dominican Republic. I?ve been there numerous times and never had a problem with customs. After all, there ain?t much except bananas to smuggle in. The customs dude looked at my passport and sees I was in the DR 5 times last year. My response was, ?really?? I had no idea I was there so much. And he asks why. It was late. I was tired. Tired in more ways than one, like having my rights trampled on. But instead of saying it?s none of your damn business, I simply said, ?Because I like it.?
That earned me a trip to customs dude #2, who opened my luggage. This was the 2nd time this happened to me in my flying career, the last one well before 9/11. I had nothing to fear except for smelly underwear. I didn?t even have any illicit Viagra. Customs dude #2 sees my running shoes and that was the end of scaring me half to death. It turned out he was a runner and we must have talked about running for a good 3 minutes and then he said, ?You?re good to go.? I like being good to go.
The process was typically, uh, governmental, a word synonymous with bureaucratic. I filled out a zillion forms and waded through the process. I never expected to get the clearance cuz I?m no good with dotting i?s. But lo and behold, months later I received an email that the final step, the interview at the customs office was arranged. I was told that it was a cakewalk.
However, I forgot about something. I sort of lied on my application. Yes yes yes, I was arrested, TWICE! I?m saying it now; the truth will set me free. But I didn?t exactly say yes on the customs application. I said no just like I always do. Never a problem. Hey, it was 30 years ago! In one case, my lawyer told me my records were expunged. In the other, I learned the courtroom burned down along with all the records and no, I am not an arsonist. This was at a time when Bill Gates was still going to the kiddie?s section in Bloomingdales and records were kept by hand. And the crimes were pussy-like; I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Like, in jail, I had to tell my fellow mates that I almost got away with robbing a bank. In truth, I forged a prescription for Valium. I was arrested twice for the same stoopid thing. So, I kept it a secret from everyone and began to believe I was a model citizen.
I should have known better. The government knows all, hears all and is probably gonna file this missive in my massive file. I walked into the stately government building on Bowling Green for my interview. I went to the appropriate room and was left alone. That is, except for a TV playing what I thought was government propaganda. So, I kept my earbuds firmly in place and played games on my iPad. Little did I know, the TV was playing the instructions for the interview.
After only 5 minutes or so, a customs agent called me to the counter and made some reference to the videotape. I asked if I could get a replay cuz I sort of missed it, haha. Nope, the guy had no sense of humor and things started out on the wrong foot. Then he cut to the chase.
Customs dude: Were you arrested before?
Me: A hesitant NO.
Customs dude: Are you sure?
Me: Hmmm, now I had to think fast. Is he testing me or does he know THE TRUTH? I took my chances and said NO again.
Customs dude: Do you know it?s a crime to lie to federal agent?
Me: I knew the jig was up. I could only get down on my bended knees and repent and beg forgiveness.
Believe it or not, I was turned down. My shoes were not to be trusted!
I wrote a letter to the BIG BOSS at customs, J. Edgar Hoover, or someone like that. I apologized and explained and begged for another chance. Nothing, no response. I figured I was destined to wear sandals for my trips through airport security. But lo and behold, out of nowhere, I got an email that another interview was scheduled. Can the government really be so forgiving? Or were they tired of having to hold their breath when I went through the line? Stay tuned.
Speaking of customs, I recently returned from the Dominican Republic. I?ve been there numerous times and never had a problem with customs. After all, there ain?t much except bananas to smuggle in. The customs dude looked at my passport and sees I was in the DR 5 times last year. My response was, ?really?? I had no idea I was there so much. And he asks why. It was late. I was tired. Tired in more ways than one, like having my rights trampled on. But instead of saying it?s none of your damn business, I simply said, ?Because I like it.?
That earned me a trip to customs dude #2, who opened my luggage. This was the 2nd time this happened to me in my flying career, the last one well before 9/11. I had nothing to fear except for smelly underwear. I didn?t even have any illicit Viagra. Customs dude #2 sees my running shoes and that was the end of scaring me half to death. It turned out he was a runner and we must have talked about running for a good 3 minutes and then he said, ?You?re good to go.? I like being good to go.