How To Get To Heaven From Ireland...

[frank recktenwald]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland: A true Story from an Irish Sunday
School Teacher.I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked
them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the
children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would
that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can
I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out:
'YU GOTTA BE FECKN' DEAD!!!.' It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a
tear to the eye, doesn't it?

 

[jinty05]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to
him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian
go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the
Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he
asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
nuts right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last
ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts.