Joke

[Hillbilly]

A little old man shuffled .....slooooowly...........into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself ......slooooooowly............painfully........... up onto a stool.
After catching his breath.......................he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?
"Nope," he replied, "arthritis".



HB, who dedicates this one to XanaduRanch

 

[XanaduRanch]

Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure!

Thank you, I think! What subliminal message is in this one? I did have a lot of wine at Eddy's ... what did I say? LOL.

XR

 

[chicker]

Another joke, same theme

Guy goes to his doctor, says ?Doc, I got headaches so bad I?m gonna blow my brains out if I don?t get relief. Not only that, doc, but my nuts are throbbing all day long. I can?t take much more of this pain.?
Doc says, ?well this is very rare, but it could be that those aching testicles are causing your headaches. What would you say to a testiclectomy??
?You mean cut ?em off? Doc, I?d do anything to get rid of this pain.?
So they do the operation. The guy comes around about three weeks later, says ?Doc, you?re a miracle worker. I haven?t felt this good in fifteen years. I do miss my balls but it?s worth it. I can?t believe this. No headaches. No nothing. I feel great.?
Doc says ?Well, why not go celebrate? Get yourself a new suit and go out on the town. You look like a man who likes a nice new charcoal grey suit.?
?You?re amazing, Doc. That is my favorite color suit.?
?But no pinstripes,? the doctor says.
?That?s right, doc, no pinstripes for me.?
?But maybe a bit of a silver fleck to it??
?Right on the money, Doc!?
?And single breasted.?
?Right on, Doc!! No double breasted for this man!?
?And I?d say about a 32 inch inseam.?
?Well, that?s where you?re a little wrong, Doc. I take a 34.? says the guy.
?No.? says the doctor, ?you look like a 32 to me.?
?Well, Doc, you?re a great guy, but I gotta disagree. I always get a 34.?
?OK,? says the doctor, ?but I think you?ll find that a 34 inseam will pinch your testicles and give you terrible headaches.?

SLM

 

[Pib]

Heard from my little cousin....

Somebody rushes in a bar and shouts "Juan, hurry up, I saw your wife making out with another guy in front of the bar down the street". A drunk guy, looking very disturbed suddenly gets up, hurries out and grab a bike riding down the street. He only manages to go a few meters before hitting a telephone post. When some people gather around to help the battered man he shouts "Damn, I deserve this! My name is not Juan, I am not married and I don't know how to ride a bike!".

 

[XanaduRanch]

OK, HB, Here's One Back at 'Ya ...

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4, but you can come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit 'round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that."

 

[XanaduRanch]

Continuing on the Testicular Theme Here ...

So, a pirate walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at him rather strangely, as the pirate has a steering wheel on his pants. The pirate askes for a drink and the bartender says "Sure thing, but can I ask what's with the steering wheel on your pants?"

The pirate replied "Argh, I dont know mate, but it's driving me nuts!"

 

[XanaduRanch]

Blue Balls

ST LOUIS MIKE this one is another variation on the joke you posed above about the 34" inseam. Took me a while to find it - Tom

BLUE BALLS

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea. "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the dye from your blue jeans?"

 

[chicker]

...as this thread seeks its nadir

Guy goes to his doctor, says "Doc, you gotta help me, my penis has turned orange."
The doc thinks he's exaggerating until the guy takes off his shorts and sure enough, there it is in all its orange glory. "Wow," says the doctor, "I think I'm gonna have to look this one up."
So he gets all the medical books he can find in the office and still comes up blank. He says to the guy, "The closest thing I can find is penile dysfunction brought on by stress. Have you had a lot of stress recently??
?Well,? the guy says, ?my wife left me about a year and half ago.?
?OK,? the doctor says, ?now we?re getting somewhere. That had to be stressful.?
?No way, Doc,? the guy says, ?that bitch was crazy. I couldn?t sleep at night she was so wild?drinkin? and playin? with guns and all. I was glad to see her go. Life?s been much less stressful since then. But then about a year ago I lost my job.?
?That?s got to be it,? says the doctor, ?losing your job is very stressful.?
?No way, doc. That ain?t it. I was glad I got fired. My boss made my life a misery. I hated going to work. I?ve never felt so positive about life since I lost that job.?
?Well, what about your social life? Do you have a new girlfriend? A bunch of guys you hang around with.?
?Actually, Doc, I don?t really have any friends. Mostly I just sit around, watch pornos on TV, drink beer, eat Cheetos.?

 

[XanaduRanch]

OH, Heck, S.M.Mike! We're not Even Close Yet!

The 3 Worst Chinese Tortures

Once there was a guy wandering through the desert. He was starved and very thirsty so he was very excited when he saw this huge house out of nowhere. He walked up and rang the doorbell. After a couple of rings an old Chinese guy answered. The starved man begged him for a meal and some shelter. The old man said that he could stay as long as he needed to, but there was one exception the old man said "you can not touch my daughter. If you do you will experience the 3 worst Chinese tortures". The man, being very hungry and tired, quickly agreed. "How good looking can she be if she lives out in the middle of nowhere?" he thought. That night at dinner he saw the old man's daughter for the first time. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He tried not to stare at her but he couldn't help it. After dinner she handed him a note that said "Meet me in my room at midnight". That night after the old man had gone to sleep he went into the beautiful daughter's room. She gave him the best sex of his life. The next mourning he woke up in bed with a huge rock next to him. On the rock it said " 1st worst Chinese torture". He didn't know how it got there but he wanted to get rid of it. He picked it up, walked over to the window and threw it out. Just then he saw a note on the window sill. It read "2nd worst Chinese torture: left testicle tied to rock". Knowing this he jumped out after the rock. While falling he got close enough to the rock to see another sign on it. The sign read "3rd worst Chinese torture: right testicle tied to bed post".

 

[chicker]

Oh, that unruly member!!

A guy, a big guy, comes home and finds his neighbor in bed with his wife. "This is the worst day of your life!" he growls and yanks the guy out of bed buck naked, drags him through the back yard, out to the alley and into his garage. The big guy puts the neighbor's weezer in the vise on the toolbench and tightens it till it can't tighten anymore; locks it in place; pulls out an old rusty hacksaw and lays it on the toolbench next to the vise.
"You're not gonna....You wouldn't.....oh you couldn't!!!" cries the neighbor.
"No, no I'm not," says the big guy. "I'm just gonna light the garage on fire. The rest is up to you."

SLM

 

[XanaduRanch]

This Thread is All Your Fault, HB!

THERE WAS A MAN FROM PONTYCLEEN,
WHO INVENTED THE WANKING MASHEEN,
ON THE NINTY NITH STROK,
THE BLOODY THING BROKE,
AND WHIPPED HIS BOLERKS TO CREAM.

THERE WAS A MAN FROM CHINA,
WHO WAS'NT A VERY GOOD CLIMBER,
HE SLIPED ON A ROCK,
AND CHOPED OFF HIS COCK,
AND NOW HE'S GOT A VERGINA.

THERE WAS A MAN FROM SAINT PAULS,
WHO LIKED TOURING MUSIC HALLS,
HIS FAVOURITE TRICK,
WAS TO STAND ON HIS DICK,
AND ROLE OFF THE STAGE ON HIS BALLS.

 

[XanaduRanch]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

 

[sjh]

one of my favorites

"NO NO nurse I said SLIP off his SPECTICLES"

 

[XanaduRanch]

LOL! I love word-play jokes ... which take too much time to explain in Spanish! Thank you I hadn't heard that one!

 

[chicker]

really scraping the bottom of the barrel here

I think I?m tapped out for jokes on this subject. I?m going all the way back to first ?dirty joke? I ever heard when I was in the third grade at St Joseph?s Catholic School in Kingston, New York

These two guys are drinking all night at this bar out in the country, and the bartender is trying to close the bar and go home. He says ?Guys, it?s time to go. Closing time.?
?Hey,? says one of the drunks, ?we?re just getting started. You can?t throw us out.?
?Well, we?re closing. If you want to keep it up, there?s a little hotel about a mile down the road called The Old Log Inn. You can walk there. In fact, the shape you guys are in, I recommend it. They?re so desperate for business they?ll let you drink there as long as you want. ?
So the two drunks take off staggering down the road. After about a half mile, they get to a fork in the road.
?You go that way and I?ll go this way. If you get to the bar first, make sure they don?t close it and I?ll catch up with you.? He walks off down the road. After about a mile, he decides he?s on the wrong road. He retraces his steps to the fork in the road and heads up the other road to find his friend. As he?s walking along he hears moaning and groaning coming from the side of the road. It?s his friend all beat up and lying in a ditch. ?Hey, what happened to you?? he says.
?Well,? he says, ?I was just walking along in the dark here. I thought I might be lost and then I saw this car parked on the side of the road. I couldn?t see too good but it sounded like a guy and a gal was going at it in there. So all I said was ?Hey buddy, how far?s the Old Log Inn?? and he jumped out and beat the crap out of me.?

st louis mike
throws in the towel

 

[XanaduRanch]

Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it ("e-mail envy").

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.