What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
- Two bullets.
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
- Popeye kicked the **** out of him.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
- You can keep the tip.
What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, clippety-clop, clippety-clop?
- An Amish drive by shooting.
Why was the blonde sacked at the sperm bank?
- She was caught drinking on the job.
How do you castrate a priest?
- Kick the altar boy in the back of the head.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
- He sold his soul to Santa.
Where would you find a duck with no legs?
- Where you left it.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
- Gagged.
Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with 5 men?
- She went home with a red snapper.
What did the blonde put behind her ears to become more attractive?
- Her ankles.
How do you know you?re at a WV wedding?
- Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Why do they call it a Wonder bra?
- Because when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
- He couldn?t get his knob out of the chicken.
Did you hear about the paranoid man with low self-esteem?
- He thought that nobody important was out to get him.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
- He wiped his arse.
What did the Irishman say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
- Nothing. He didn?t recognise them.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
- Nice tits.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
- They both make you stand around for an hour for a two-minute ride.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic animal-lover?
- He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
What?s the similarity between a blonde and a dog turd?
- The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Why don?t women wear watches?
- There?s a clock on the stove.
What does Kermit the frog and Henry the VIIIth have in common?
- They have the same middle name.
When does Michael Jackson know it?s bedtime?
- When the big hand touches the little one.
What do elephants have for lunch?
- An hour, just like the other animals.
What?s pink and hangs out your underpants?
- Your mom.
How do you cure homosexuality?
- Lip balm. Put it on your arse and it?ll keep the chaps away.
What do you say to an out-of-work actor?
- Big Mac and fries, please.
What?s the definition of trust?
- Two cannibals going down on each other.
How do you know when your wife has died?
- The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
How do you know if you?ve passed an elephant.
- You can?t put the toilet seat down.
Knock-Knock. Who?s there? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson who?
- Perfect. You?re on the jury.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
- Your honour.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
- Half a dog.
What does a shortsighted gynaecologist have in common with a puppy?
- They both have wet noses.
What?s the difference between a clever midget and an STD?
- One is a cunning runt??
Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot?
- He flew more than 60 successful missions.
What?s the difference between gay sex and a microwave oven?
- A microwave oven won?t brown your meat.
What?s the difference between a new dog and a new wife?
- After a year the dog is still pleased to see you.
What?s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
- A woman that won?t do what she?s told.
What? has two grey legs and two brown legs?
- An elephant with diarrhoea.
What did the vet say to the dog that kept licking his balls?
- Thank you, darling.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
- Even the pool table has no balls.
Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
- He burned his lips on the exhaust.
What does it mean when the flag at a US post office is flying at half-mast?
- They?re hiring.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
- Nothing. You already told her twice.
- Two bullets.
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
- Popeye kicked the **** out of him.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
- You can keep the tip.
What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, clippety-clop, clippety-clop?
- An Amish drive by shooting.
Why was the blonde sacked at the sperm bank?
- She was caught drinking on the job.
How do you castrate a priest?
- Kick the altar boy in the back of the head.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
- He sold his soul to Santa.
Where would you find a duck with no legs?
- Where you left it.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
- Gagged.
Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with 5 men?
- She went home with a red snapper.
What did the blonde put behind her ears to become more attractive?
- Her ankles.
How do you know you?re at a WV wedding?
- Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Why do they call it a Wonder bra?
- Because when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
- He couldn?t get his knob out of the chicken.
Did you hear about the paranoid man with low self-esteem?
- He thought that nobody important was out to get him.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
- He wiped his arse.
What did the Irishman say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses?
- Nothing. He didn?t recognise them.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
- Nice tits.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
- They both make you stand around for an hour for a two-minute ride.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic animal-lover?
- He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
What?s the similarity between a blonde and a dog turd?
- The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Why don?t women wear watches?
- There?s a clock on the stove.
What does Kermit the frog and Henry the VIIIth have in common?
- They have the same middle name.
When does Michael Jackson know it?s bedtime?
- When the big hand touches the little one.
What do elephants have for lunch?
- An hour, just like the other animals.
What?s pink and hangs out your underpants?
- Your mom.
How do you cure homosexuality?
- Lip balm. Put it on your arse and it?ll keep the chaps away.
What do you say to an out-of-work actor?
- Big Mac and fries, please.
What?s the definition of trust?
- Two cannibals going down on each other.
How do you know when your wife has died?
- The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
How do you know if you?ve passed an elephant.
- You can?t put the toilet seat down.
Knock-Knock. Who?s there? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson who?
- Perfect. You?re on the jury.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
- Your honour.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
- Half a dog.
What does a shortsighted gynaecologist have in common with a puppy?
- They both have wet noses.
What?s the difference between a clever midget and an STD?
- One is a cunning runt??
Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot?
- He flew more than 60 successful missions.
What?s the difference between gay sex and a microwave oven?
- A microwave oven won?t brown your meat.
What?s the difference between a new dog and a new wife?
- After a year the dog is still pleased to see you.
What?s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
- A woman that won?t do what she?s told.
What? has two grey legs and two brown legs?
- An elephant with diarrhoea.
What did the vet say to the dog that kept licking his balls?
- Thank you, darling.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
- Even the pool table has no balls.
Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
- He burned his lips on the exhaust.
What does it mean when the flag at a US post office is flying at half-mast?
- They?re hiring.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
- Nothing. You already told her twice.