What sets apart a good Dominican man from a Sankie?

[AnnaC]

I've asked a few of our members this question and I've had some really good feed back so I thought I’d start posting them. Please feel free to add to this.

The eyes……you can see the lies no matter what’s coming out of the month.
But unfortunately recognizing this comes from living life and is hard for a young person to see.

The words….
Someone that is interested in a real relationship will not push you into having sex right away especially if you say “NO”

“I love you”, Te quiero, Te amo….
A good man doesn't say this right away. It sounds good but if said the same day or week of your vacation watch out. Love comes with time.

Money
Not asking for financial help from you in any way, shape or form. Remember he didn't’t starve to death before you got there and he can live without the N/A toys. NO decent man should ask you for money no matter how poor he is. There's such a thing as pride

A liar
usually forgets his lies and screws up at some point. Remember what he tells you, and if he contradicts himself, call him on it.

Actions speak loader than words
encouraging you to speak Spanish and teaching you Spanish so you are not isolated from conversation. If you do not speak the language, a sankie is able to talk about you and then translate it any way he wants. Take that leverage away by learning the language, and perhaps not even letting on that you know what they are saying unless it is hurtful and you have evidence that he is trying to pull one over on you. A good man wants you to learn his language, his culture and be proud of you.

If you are moving to the DR to be with him does he wait for you to do it all or will he at least do some of legwork before your arrival. Looking for affordable housing, furniture, household items and so on.
It may not be to your liking but it shows that he put some effort into setting up of this relationship and isn't waiting for you to arrive with luggage full of money to pay for it all.

Do not accept anything other than what you think you deserve as far as being loved, appreciated, and respected. These are very important ingredients in any relationship...this applies in Dominican Republic, or any other country.


Here's one of my friend's favourite sayings

Do you love him? But are you proud of him?


I see it's hard to condense it all because there's so much to say when comparing a decent good Dominican man to a sankie so please add to this thread.


No smart ass remarks.

 

[britishgirl]

Great Post Anna, this is a good thread.I couldn't agree more with the "Te amo Y Te Queiro" thing. Dominicanos or any male actually who is saying that straight away doesn't even know what love is.But they say this because they think you'll accept it and it will make you fall in love with them. Sometimes when you're walking down the streets in Sosua or Cabarete or whatever you get the hombres saying "Te amo Mami" etc. marry me lol... this is when you know that obviously they don't love you...But I think it's different too in getting straight into a relationship or having just met some-one and he's telling you he loves you. Real love doesn't come straight away so real men/boys will wait to tell you this. You know they're after something or not right in themselves if their saying Te amo this soon. Alot Of women "sankified" will fall for this. Often because they're being treated affectionatly (sp?) and how you would treat some-one if you really love them. I think alot of women fall for the I love you thing straight away because maybe they're not used to being treated like this. Or because they have a different view of love...or because they've never been loved.

Money...You're right on this one too. No matter what the circumstances, a real male will never ask you for money. (well maybe if he's your son or whatever but you know what i mean lol)...always be weary if he's asking you for money. Why should you give him money? Why can't he supply himself with money? You're not a bank or a western union office or whatever. A real man will get his own money. And If you refuse a "real" man money he will *still* be there for you. Still loving you.

A Liar...Hmm, its funny you're talking about lies and dominicanos lol...Last month, me and my father had two canadian girls staying with us in Sosua. They were both in their late teens, and I did warn them about sankies, but they saw the local boys (who alot of you would class as sankies because yes these girls payes for *every* drink!), as just a bit of fun. I'm Not going to lie, some of these boys are my best friends, but they know they'll never get a peso off me, and they know I know their sankie ways, even if they are great fun as friends, even I don't know when they're lieing half the time! But often I catch them out:bandit: ...these canadian girls also noticed the lies just flow out of these boy's mouths lol... Bottom Line, your man shouldn't lie to you unless you ask him if your bum really does look nasty in those jeans:nervous: lmao

Learning their language...I've sat with some of these "sankies" and had them saying about their girls when these girls are sitting right with them kissing them etc. I've understood what's being said, and it irritates me sometimes to the extent where I'll just be like "hmm girl do you know what he's saying"!!!...the word "sankiepankie" always comes up in the converstaion:ermm: If he really likes you, he will tell you what he's saying, and he will make sure you understand.

Overall yeh, Watch out if he lies takes ur money or anything else mentioned.

 

[AZB]

It doesn't take a MIT degree to see what is coming to you when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.
It’s all too simple and there is no thinking involved. Stay among the people of your same caliber and you would have eliminated 90% of your problems.
Example, I am a middle income professional male living in a nice residential area in Santiago. I had never mingled with people of projects in USA nor thugs from streets especially jobless street swindlers. So there is no reason why I should mingle with the same class here.
Now why a girl who is from a middle class family from usa, canada or europe with some college education and decent manners would find something so intriguing about a guy who makes 100-150 dollars / month, no car, lives with parents and with 2nd grade level education? If finding a black man in your first priority then I suggest you find one with education and money, not to mention pride and class. Please don't settle for the first person you meet in hotel.
Now if you find a man who is equally educated as you, with similar income as you, coming from a decent family then your chances of meeting disaster in your relationship is minimum.
Now if you simply get out of the resort area, you will definitely find decent guys with good jobs. My Dominican friends are not from elite class but they are better off than me. They own houses, have good jobs or businesses, travel and are educated in good universities. So in essence, I am not a big fish in a small pond. I am just like them so there is no need to be impressed from anyone. We are the same so we get along just fine. They never ask me for money; neither do I. Often times they pay for me even when we have to fight over the bill. I mean, a Dominican guy will pick up a tab of everyone on the table; something foreigner would not see this done in coastal area. These guys are proud Dominicans who are from proud families. No they are not few in numbers. If you only stay with the same level of folks, you would begin to only see these people and not the poor masses you see in ghettos. I often think all dominicans are living here like in USA. That’s because I don't go to ghettos, just like I never did in USA. So why should I change my lifestyle here?
Now when it comes to relationships it’s difficult for foreign women to attract a decent professional class Dominican. First of all the requirements are very strict. Dominicans from better class have no need to look for foreign women for money or for visa, they have it all. So naturally when they seek a relationship, they want the premium what life has to offer. In simple terms, they want the top notch beauties. There are plenty of beautiful girls who could compete for miss universe title. These girls are also from good families, drive cars, slim, straight long hair and speak with class. They are simply charming and elegant, not to mention, young. Foreign women don't come close to matching their class. These girls have money and visa, all they want is a decent elegant Dominican guy. Foreigners have no value among them. They think of foreign women coming to DR to sleep with black men, and men to sleep with hookers. This is what they see when they vacation in resort hotels and this is what they believe. So no decent dominican rich guy wants a 30 plus yrs old out of shape, freckled faced gringa. Sorry for using the harsh words but that is the truth. The cute gringas are so often seen with cheap dominican servent class workers that these guys are embarrassed to be seen with them. Besides a foreign woman doesn't put up well with dominican male machismo, so relationships soon fall apart. Decent dominicans only prefer to marry their own kind. This is the bitter truth.
Now my friend (no names here) met a girl from Switzerland. A cute young girl with a decent job in her country. They had a date or 2 but then she had to leave. My friend soon invited her, paid her ticket and took her to punta cana for a week. He paid for everything and when she left, he went back to his life. Now he is married to a beautiful dominican girl. yes, folks, there are dominican guys in great numbers who will treat you like a princess and pay for everything but you will not find them in hotels, especially not as workers.
Good luck.
AZB

 

[Malibook]

This is good stuff and applicable to the senoritas as well.:classic:

 

[sunshine_79]

Anna Banana~

You rock. I'm in total agreement with everything you said and have a couple of things to add. A good man never, ever tries to isolate his girlfriend/wife. I see this all the time here with foreign girls dating Dominicans and I know too well that the act of isolation is usually a predecesor to abuse. Although the typical Dominican male is perhaps more jealous or possessive than men of non-Latino descent, the good ones know how to keep it in check. The good ones realize that when people from two different cultures mix that it's always going to be a bit of give and take. There are a lot of people who think that "they're all the same" but that's really not true at all. The women I know in bad relationships usually met their significant other at a resort. I'm not saying that all resort workers make bad companions but at the same time, I kinda have to call it like I see it.

A good Dominican man gets very insulted if the waitress tries to hand the bill to his girlfriend. Actually, let me elaborate - a good Dominican man already has his hand out to take the bill when he sees it coming. A good man also knows that if he doesn't have any money to go out then there are a million things that he can take his girlfriend to do that are cheap, or even free.

And for everyone who believes that someone "loves" them after a few days, I feel sorry for them. Yes, you can like someone very, very much in a short period of time and you can be very much in lust. You might even have a feeling that you are going to fall head over heels in love. But it's NOT love after a few days or a week. After you know somebody as well as you know yourself and you've spent time getting to really know each other and solving the maze of who the person you're with truly is then that's when love might enter the picture. Falling in love is a wonderful thing and can come relatively quickly but actually loving someone is serious business and is a whole different ballgame.

And the lying thing - you hit the nail right on the head. He may lie but his eyes never will.

It breaks my heart because I've simply seen too much of it here. Foreign girl meets Dominican guy, guy says "I love you" after one night, girl becomes a doormat and before you know it, you have yet another bad relationship and another sad tale.

Keep your insights coming Anna, I think you're dead on with them.

Sunnie

 

[sunshine_79]

Do not accept anything other than what you think you deserve as far as being loved, appreciated, and respected. These are very important ingredients in any relationship...this applies in Dominican Republic, or any other country.


QUOTE]


Another good point Anna. If you demand to be treated like a queen in any relationship then chances are, you will. But if it doesn't work out that way then it's obvious you were with a piece of sh$t. But on the other hand, if you settle for a substandard man then you will get just that. Don't take any crap, don't ever stop demanding the best and most importantly, don't ever give a man even the slightest opportunity to take a break from being a gentleman.

My favorite saying in life ... you get what you settle for.

 

[AnnaC]

Let me add that much of my post did come from our members and some are my thoughts.

 

[carina]

I agree with you AZB.
It´s an interesting discussion, but for me, and I think for many of us living here ( AZB just confirmed it in his post ), the original question is same as "What sets apart a good Dominican man from a prostitute"

All the above.
Education, manners, language, work.

A real Dominican man
- does not borrow money from his date.
- does pick up the tab. Always.
- does not ask for sex the first dates
- is proud of you, and want to introduce you to friends, family, associates
- opens the car door for you
- work and pays the bills, his and for the house
- would work 24/7 if needed to prepare for a girlfriends/wifes arrival if she would come from abroad. He would have a house, furniture, food ready.
Whatever that would take, it would be done.

As AZB states, he is spot on. Among Dominicans, that are not from the poor communities, you do not have a value as a foreigner only. You have a value as a person, as a friend, as someone they know, if you are worthy it and if you have common interests, goals and level of education, manners and social structure in your life.

 

[wendy_s]

Anna - I'm finally making it to the 'Mars/Venus' forum! :classic: Haven't made it to the Sankie 101 Forum yet since I don't have any sankie stories...well, I know some sankies but I personally haven't been sankified by any (phew). I must admit though, I really wanted to jump on the Princess thread but I had to bite my tongue...what a bunch of BS but it sure was amusing to read all of that!

I did mention that I do have a Dominican boyfriend who works at a resort...fortunately for not much longer! Before everyone jumps the gun I'll give a brief background of my relationship/boyfriend since I know that mentioning 'resort worker' immediately sets off those red flags...no, no, no...this is not gonna turn into a sankie thread. I have read ALL those threads and I am happy to say that my boyfriend does not have any qualities of a sankie and I haven't experienced any of the crazy circumstances many of these girls have had.

Okay, so he hasn't been in the resort industry too long, a few months in total. Got fired from the first resort for not being 'one of the boys' - didn't get drunk enough, didn't party enough with them or the touristas, etc. After losing this job, he didn't want to work for the resort industry again but considering how hard it is to look for a job, I encouraged him to find another job at another resort which he did. I KNOW, stupid me...that was before I read all the sankie stories here! To make a story short, a friend of ours hooked him up with a job at Centennial as a customer service rep and were both happy that the opportunity came up and that he'll be starting that job after I visit him a 3 weeks.

Anna, thank you for putting up this post...it looks like my boyfriend and I are on the right track:

The eyes - the saying goes, they are the windows to the soul. I see no lies in his eyes.

The words - kissed me once when I first met him, didn't ask me for sex...we didn't even talk about it.

We've said "I love you" to each other only recently...after more visits to see him, many conversations on the phone (about everything under the sun - he speaks very well english so communicating is not as hard)...it felt right to say it...relationship is progressing in a positive direction.

Money - not once has he ever asked for money and I have not required the use of Western Union...and when I visit him, he pays for things, well, what he can afford with what has. But hey, it's the thought that counts.

Lies - He remembers what he says, I remember what he says and it all fits...consistent.

Action speaks louder than words - he does teach me Spanish...when I've visited him, he always translated what his family/friends were saying so I could join in the conversation. Vice versa, I'd say something in English and he'd translate it to them in Spanish. In my last visit, I brought him an English/Spanish dictionary...I've got one too so when we talk on the phone, we're both constantly flipping through our books...and yes, he is proud of me when I put a sentence together and I say it to him :classic:

Last time I was in the DR, I opted out of staying at a resort so he made all the arrangements at a local hotel and took care of everything so when I got there, all I had to do was relax and enjoy a cold drink. I'm planning to move there for a few months next year so when he has his days off, he's looking around for apartments for me and trying to help me out.

I've had good relationships and some very bad, heartbreaking ones but it's because of those experiences that I now know what I want, what I deserve and what kind of man I want in my life. I'm very fortunate to have found one of the good ones, a man who cares just as much about making the relationship work regardless of the obstacles we've been through and what we will go through. We both don't want to rush marriage, kids or any of that. All that will come when the time is right. All we know is that we want to be together and being apart right now is worth all the sacrifice with a potential of being together for the rest of our lives.

And abso-f***ing-lutely, I love him and I sure am proud of him!

Soooo, I really can keep going but I must be boring the heck out of all of you so I'm going to stop now.

Thank you to everyone in these forums whose advices and wisdom has taught me a lot...it's for these reasons why I've decided to take my time with my relationship and not rush, be cautious and really find out what my man was all about before getting myself into anything crazy.

Signing off,

Fab-Wendy-Lous

 

[chuckuindy]

Tell them what they want to hear

Okay, I’ll try not to be a smart ass, but I think, my dear Anna, your wrong, wrong, wrong.

“you can see the lies no matter what’s coming out of the month”

Who are you kidding? Both men and women buy into lies ever day. None of us are immune to it. I have lied to women most of my life, simply tell them what they want to hear and the will buy it every time. The world is full of liars, politicians, lawyers, car sales men, ect. We live in a world of con artist that make their living off of lying.

Tell me the truth. You have never in your life lied to your children, husband, lover, and they believed it hook line and sinker? Give me a break. If you can spot lies just from looking at someone’s eyes you could sell your talents for millions of dollars per year.

“Someone that is interested in a real relationship will not push you into having sex right away especially if you say “NO””

Please tell me anyone you know that has not had a “one night stand”? We all get caught up in the heat of the moment from time to time. It is almost my duty to try to get in a woman’s pants on the first date. The sooner I try on the shoes the quicker I’ll know if they fit. If they say no, that’s al right, I’ll try again at a later date.

““I love you”, Te quiero, Te amo….
A good man doesn't say this right away.”

Why? Never heard of love at first sight? Te quiero = I want you, heck there are a lot of women that I want. Why not tell the so. It is a compliment. Te amo = I love you. I can fall in love in a heart beat. What is wrong with saying that? There are various degrees of love. I love some of my female friends and tell them I love them all of the time. That does not mean that I want to have sex with them.

“NO decent man should ask you for money no matter how poor he is.”

What happened to women’s lib? Next you will want me to open doors, carry bags, cook, clean house. What's with that? If she has money let her show her affection by buying dinner or a gift. If I am broke at the time or she has more money than me and wants a good time, nothing wrong with letting her pay.

“A liar
usually forgets his lies and screws up at some point”

Not me I remember everything I tell a woman. I also remember everything about her. What she wore, what she said, where we went. They love this.



“Actions speak loader than words”

You are so right. If I care about some one I will do anything for them. If you treat a lady like a lady she will do any thing for you, whether you are sincere or not.

“Do not accept anything other than what you think you deserve as far as being loved, appreciated, and respected. These are very important ingredients in any relationship...this applies in Dominican Republic, or any other country.”

This I agree with 100%.

Chuckuindy

 

[AnnaC]

Chucky baby this thread is about comparing a good Dominican man to a sankie NOT you picking my post apart.

If I ever get to meet you in person you can tell me some lies and you'll see how good I am.

I've had training you know

Now let's get on with this.

 

[Malibook]

Let me add that much of my post did come from our members and some are my thoughts.

Were either of the 2 points that Chuck agrees with yours or does he disagree with all of your thoughts?:classic:

 

[AnnaC]

One is mine and the other was from a member.

So there you go ladies Chucky just proved that liars, cheaters and con artist can be found anywhere but since we are dealing with a DR subject we'll stick to that. :laugh:

 

[Pib]

If you demand to be treated like a queen in any relationship then chances are, you will.

Why settle for less? Anything short of a goddess won't do with me.


Actually, if I ever "demand" my husband treat me like a queen chances are he'll hand me a puffy colourful wig, some funny clothes and shoes and tell me to sing some Cher songs. :classic:

 

[Fred]

Why the double standard?

I agree during dating that the man should pay for dinner etc. However, once a relationship progresses, ie: living together or marriage, why should the woman not pay her share?


With the cost of living in the DR and abroad, no one can get by on only one income, unless that person is an exceptional earner. Therefore, women should help out with some of the bills.

 

[carina]

I agree during dating that the man should pay for dinner etc. However, once a relationship progresses, ie: living together or marriage, why should the woman not pay her share?


With the cost of living in the DR and abroad, no one can get by on only one income, unless that person is an exceptional earner. Therefore, women should help out with some of the bills.

Of course, but the question was what the difference is between a sankie and a real Dominican man in the society here.
That is one of the differences.

 

[bienamor]

Only a little disagreement here

Among Dominicans, that are not from the poor communities, you do not have a value as a foreigner only. You have a value as a person, as a friend, as someone they know, if you are worthy it and if you have common interests, goals and level of education, manners and social structure in your life.

Even in the Barrio you can find decent people,they maybe a little lower on the social scale than the middle or upper class but they still have normal human values,. They will value you as a person, not a foreigner. They all don't have to live in Alto Arroyo Hondo. But the referenced requirements remain as far as the lying, asking for money, etc.

Some of the most low class acting dominicans I have met have been from the upper middle classes, this is not when they are among their own, but if they perceive that you are lower then you might be treated that way.

Just because they are living in a poorer community does not mean that they don't have morals, sense of pride. They may still be living with parents, but attending university, and trying to better their personal situation.

 

[carina]

Even in the Barrio you can find decent people,they maybe a little lower on the social scale than the middle or upper class but they still have normal human values,. They will value you as a person, not a foreigner. They all don't have to live in Alto Arroyo Hondo. But the referenced requirements remain as far as the lying, asking for money, etc.

Some of the most low class acting dominicans I have met have been from the upper middle classes, this is not when they are among their own, but if they perceive that you are lower then you might be treated that way.

Just because they are living in a poorer community does not mean that they don't have morals, sense of pride. They may still be living with parents, but attending university, and trying to better their personal situation.

There is always both apples and oranges in any community, it goes without saying.
In the barrio you will though, find more people looking at you as a living bank, basically because there is more poverty there.
It does absolutely not mean that ALL people in the barrio are freeloaders of course.

 

[chuckuindy]

Anna, I was not trying to pick your thread apart. Men are men whether they are Dominican, American, Canadian, or from any place else in the world. I know Dominican men who have been married to the same woman for over 40 years and have never cheated on their wives. On the other side of that coin I know Dominican men who are in long term relationships and refuse to keep their eyes and hands off of other women.

What sets apart a good Dominican man from a Sankie, is the same thing that sets any man who miss treats a woman, anywhere in the world, apart from what the woman expects from her man. Relationships are individual things and we all have different expectations, needs and desires. Love truly is blind. We need look no farther than our own TV sets to see these facts. Just watch Judge Judy or Dr. Phil for a week and see how many abusive relationships are trotted out for us to view.

The points you make in your post are quite valid and no one ever wants to get hurt in any relationship, but it happens. We as humans refuse to guard our hearts, or out pocket books. Hopefully we learn from our experiences.

Personally, in matters of love and lust in the DR, I have found that culture is a big player. Without understanding the language or the culture, any relationship is set for failure. Hopefully all of us who are searching for love in the DR will eventually find what we are looking for.

Chuckuindy

 

[A.J.]

AZB

I agree with you 100%, I went to PUCMM before ever living in the North Coast.
Even though I was called a privona and many thought I thought I was too good for them in Puerto Plata - well they were right. I was in no way going to lower my standards for a resort worker when I had gone on dates (group dates) with my friends from the University and Professionals I had met. Never paid a dime, always good conversation, and never ended up in a cabana.

My standards had been set in the US and continued on in the DR. Education was key, ability to speak proper spanish, if I wanted to date ghetto I could do that in the US, and if they even suggested the date was going to end at Ambis III they were wrong - I knew enough taxistas to get myself home.

The only men I went out with in Puerto Plata were professionals usually from Santiago or some from Puerto Plata, who knew the rules and knew I knew the rules.

As much as I tried to share this knowledge with recently arrived foriegn women it always took a time or two for them to get burned before they learned the hard way what a respectable dominican man will and will not do.