Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,'No, the steaks are too high.'
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
'Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin.
Two blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat old fart!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
'Doctor I've hurt my arm in several places'
'Well don't go there any more'
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The new Police Station at Marylebone was raided by theives, who stole all the toilets. At the moment, the Police have nothing to go on!
A very large hole has appeared in the middle of High Street. At the moment, Police are looking in to it.
Broadcast On BBC Radio 4. ... ' We would like to broadcast a special appeal - would Phaeroh, last heard of in Egypt 2,000 years ago, please report to the British Museum, where his Mummy is dangerously ill'.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,'No, the steaks are too high.'
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
'Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin.
Two blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat old fart!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
'Doctor I've hurt my arm in several places'
'Well don't go there any more'
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The new Police Station at Marylebone was raided by theives, who stole all the toilets. At the moment, the Police have nothing to go on!
A very large hole has appeared in the middle of High Street. At the moment, Police are looking in to it.
Broadcast On BBC Radio 4. ... ' We would like to broadcast a special appeal - would Phaeroh, last heard of in Egypt 2,000 years ago, please report to the British Museum, where his Mummy is dangerously ill'.
