Oh, the political incorrectness of it all.......

[chicker]

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Iraqi (impressed by this) drinks his beer and throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we do not need to drink out of the same glass either."

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

the 'chickster'
really
really
ugly
american

 

[jsizemore]

The blonde and a fresh start

A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "All you have to do is stay where I hide you. Then, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks into her journey, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
Tearfully, she explained to the captain "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Happy new year
John

 

[jsizemore]

Ten times when the "F" word has been acceptable for

10. "What the f___ was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

"Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003

 

[jsizemore]

Management Lessons....

Parable Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Parable Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Parable Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:

1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut!



Parable Number 4:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

[jsizemore]

cowboys and arabs

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:
"Once my people were many, now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Arabs yet."

 

[jsizemore]

not quite

we are leaving the women and children to repopulate.
John