Hey guys,
I’m selling everything I own. I moved down to paradise last year without really thinking things through very well. I know, I know, I should have done a little more research. It’s too late for that now. My loss is your gain.
A little bit about myself…
I came down here for a one-week vacation last year and fell in love with the place. I thought, “Wow, I really found paradise here! Hallelujah!” I swam in the ocean, I danced Merengue, I rode horses, I drank cheap rum out of coconuts, I also got hit on by every Dominican male on the North Coast. I thought to myself, “My god, I am a Rock Star down here!” This is Paradise.
Day one: I went to the beach. I laid down on the beautiful yellowish sand and dug my toes deep into the sand and watched my dead skin cells exfoliate by themselves. It’s a miracle. I laid in the sun—which I had not seen in over 4 months. I had waiters bringing me delicious Pina Colodas, Mojitos, and cold beer--most of which I hadn’t even ordered…it was almost as if they could read my mind! It was surreal. Dominicans are so clairvoyant.
I had girls coming over and braiding my hair. I had girls giving me a pedicure with a pair of scissors and an electric hand-saw. I had girls coming over and giving me massages. I had girls coming over and cutting fruit for me. I asked them, “How much is this going to cost?”
They just laughed, and said, “Pay us what you can,” and then they added, “No problem…we’ll discuss price later.” I said to myself, "Now, this is paradise."
Day two: I was walking down the beach and this beautiful, shirtless man, came riding up on a horse! Can you believe it…a real live horse on the beach! Can you imagine? It was surreal. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like the movie “Blue Lagoon.” The man asked, “Do you want to go on a horseback ride on the beach?”
I said, “Hell, yeah! How much does it cost?”
He just laughed, and said, “Pay me what you can,” and then he added, “No problem…we’ll discuss price later.” I said to myself, "Now, this is paradise."
It was so fun. I got to ride this really skinny horse on the beach all day. It was amazing! Ok, granted, the horse was a little skinny and underfed, and it had some sores on its back, but this beautiful man said this was normal…and then he added, “All Dominican horses have sores on their back, no problem.”
Day three: I was just sitting at a bar on the beach, minding my own business, when suddenly, this small Dominican guy started up a conversation with me. He spoke perfect English...well, almost. He said that he used to live in American. He said that he worked in the Import/Export business in New York before he had to suddenly leave. I was shocked. It just goes to show, “You can never judge a book by its cover!” He invited me on a tour around the north coast; he said, “Would you like to go on a wonderful tour of the north coast?”
I said, “Hell, yeah! How much does it cost?”
He just laughed, and said, “Pay me what you can,” and then he added, “No problem…we’ll discuss price later.” I said to myself, "Now, this is paradise."
He took me to Sosua beach and Pedro Clisante. We sat down and ate and drank rum and beer and ate food. A lot of food. Wow, he was a big eater for such a small guy! Everything was delicious. I loved it. Ok, one funny thing though…he brought all of his friends with him, and none of them had any money. I had to pay for everyone. It was expensive, but I thought, “What the hell, I’m on vacation!”
Later, he took me into a barrio and showed me where his family lives. It was small…not at all like the house I grew up in up North. They lived in this small shack, with an outhouse out back. They had this lagoon out back where they dumped all of their trash. His shack was tiny. I couldn’t believe it. I have never seen anything like it before. It was like movie. It was a little shocking. I gave his family everything I had. How could I not? His mom was in the hospital for surgery, his sister was on the way to the hospital for surgery, his brother needed surgery, his motorcycle wouldn’t start, their outhouse needed a new roof, their donkey had run away, their dog was tied up out back with no food…it was endless. I tried to write them a check, they looked at me like I was from outer space, and said, “We’ll take cash.” What can you say, ”Cash is King!” Later, he took me home and proposed Marriage to me. I thought that’s odd…he doesn’t even know my name!
Day four: I partied all day and night. I danced, I frolicked, I spoke the 7 words of Spanish I learned in High School. I drank a little too much…I projectile vomited on a stray beach dog. The dog just looked up at me and smiled…and then he proceeded to lick up all of my vomit up with gusto. Then his other stray dog friends came around and waited for me to projectile vomit on them as well. It was like a smorgasbord out there on the beach. They waited in line for my vomit. What can you say, ”Dogs love vomit!”
I had so much fun, but then I felt sick and needed to go back to my motel. I grabbed a motoconcho out in front of the bar. I asked him, “How much will it cost to go 100 meters down the road to my hotel?”
He just laughed, and said, “Pay me what you can,” and then added, “No problem…we’ll discuss price later.” I said to myself, "Now, this is paradise."
When we got to my motel, I didn’t have enough money on me to pay him. I thought, “Wow, this was a really expensive taxi ride!” but he said that it was standard fare for 100 meters. I had to go to the ATM machine and withdrawal everything I had to pay him.
Day five: On the last day of my vacation I met a really beautiful Dominican guy. He worked at my hotel as an “Entertainer.” Man, could he dance!…and sweet talk!…and kiss!...and Lie!!
Wow, it was love at first site. He said, "You are the only girl for me; we are made for each other!” He said it just like that, "You and I are made for each other!"
Ok, I thought it a little odd that he didn’t even know my name yet, but things are different down here. I also thought it was a little odd that he didn’t have a girlfriend or wife (everyone seems to have one down here). But, what could I do…I was in love!
We started dating. And then I found out that he lied to me. Can you believe that? He actually lied to me! I still can’t believe it! I am shocked! Shocked I tell you! It turns out that he does have a wife...and he has children as well.
Now I must sell everything I have. Here are some things I have for sale, I’ll post more later after I find my Iphone 6 plus. I can’t seem to find it anywhere.