Help! Confronting cheating father.

[vaporisas]

Leaving it in god's hands might exposed her mother to a deadly disease like AIDS. Her mother needs to know ASAP!

That's exactly what I am worried about, I don't want my mom to come back and get something and me being able to prevent this say nothing but I don't know how to break it to her. My mom is a very nervous person and has had health problems because of this. My mom is my fave parent and I don't want to lie to her on the phone everyday she calls(my dad comes home very late and then tells me to tell her that he came home early) She is getting her residency renewed. My father, sister, and I are citizens. Oh yeah Dr. John, you said I shouldn't get involved, but knowing I can do something and not doing it is, I think, going to make me feel worse inside.

 

[Hipocrito Mejia]

Vaporisas, I've read this entire thread and all the advice that has been given to you and I have to agree with flamingojohn and to an extent with AZB.

IMO, there are some things that you must do, regardless of how difficult they may be for you:

1. You have to disconnect yourself from the situation and stay out of it. There's an old Dominican adage that says that nobody should interfere in problems between a man and his wife, and in this case you should follow it. As AZB pointed out, you do not know every single detail of your parents' relationship, and as such you have a slanted view of the situation. Your side of this story may not necessarily reflect the views of your mother and/or father.

Infidelity, divorce, arguments between a man and his wife, etc., are all a part of life. Unfortunately for some people, it is a big part of their life. In your case, just like in most, the fault can probably be attributed in part to both your mother and father. Don't try to figure out who's more at fault, and be confident in the fact that it most certainly is not yours.

2. You have to stay level headed and keep your cool. As much as you may want to yell at your father or tell your mother, it is not going to resolve anything, and will most likely worsen the situation. You must realize that life goes on, and that torturing yourself over this will only cause you to loose sleep, appetite, happiness, and valuable time. As mad as you may feel, loosing your cool is never good.

3. You have to find an outlet for your feelings. You mentioned that you have a sister that lives with you, and somewhere else you mentioned a brother. We don't know their ages, but if they're somewhere around your age, they are probably aware of the same things that you are. Spend time with them and realize that they probably need as much support from you, as you need from them at this time. Whatever you do, do not neglect your school work. If anything, use that as a way to occupy more of your time.

I know that you are going through a very difficult time in your life, and that the range of emotions that you're feeling is tremendous. Take it from some of us who are a little older, and who have gone through different tough times of our own; you will make it through this! Stay strong and best of luck!

 

[fightingirish]

This may well be redundant, but sometimes it helps to hear things repeated.

1. Youre in a tough situation and a one that is somewhat over your head. 14 year olds, developmentally, shouldnt have to worry about such things and shouldnt have to make such enormous decisions as the one that confronts you. Remember that. It may not make things easier, but you should know it nonetheless.

2. The relationship between your mom and dad is surely complex, just as your adult romantic relationships will be. There's probably a lot below the surface, things you dont know and dont see.

3. Your parents' relationship may end. It may not. It may change drastically. It may not. None of those outcomes are under your control. And none of them should get in the way of your parents providing for you what you need -- love and support.

4. You shouldnt carry the weight yourself, nor should you be separated from anyone so that "teams" and alliances can be built. If possible, as suggested above, find a trusted adult to help. If you cannot do this, then speak to your parents together and in a public place where you can speak without being overheard (eg. a plaza, a restaurant).

5. Remember to look after and communicate your *own* feelings and needs. Your parents will certainly be overcome with their own... but as adults they also have a responsibility to respect yours. If you are angry, afraid, hurt, confused, discouraged dont hesitate to say so and keep saying so until your needs are addressed. Children in these situations can sometimes be pushed aside a little bit.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[amandalivoti]

so you are upset at your dad for finding a more peaceful life, by marrying a girl who is more compatible to him? Its not always the dad's fault. We are only hearing your side of the story. Do tell us how wonderful your mom was to your dad and how she never made his life miserable.
AZB

i am not passing judgement on my father. especially now, thirty some years later! i'm just expressing how i felt at the time. as a matter of fact i have been grateful to his "new" wife for allowing to me to see my father in a mode different than that i had seen him in during the years he was together with my mother.
but - our friend here is very young- and we don't know who these people are- there's no way to know how things might turn out. she has to deal with HER feelings first.
it is an extremely difficult position for a youngster to be in-yet, only she can discover what the right move is for her! let's give her some input and help her gather information. :classic:

 

[AZB]

I wish if we could give her some input and make her understand the situation but it seem the only worthy advise I have seen so far is to let the girl talk to an older well, respected family member first and see what he/she has to say about this issue. The mom may have known all along about his affairs and learning to look the other way. We don't have enough information here at hand to give her any exact advice.
AZB

 

[Flamingojohn]

Your involvement

That's exactly what I am worried about, I don't want my mom to come back and get something and me being able to prevent this say nothing but I don't know how to break it to her. My mom is a very nervous person and has had health problems because of this. My mom is my fave parent and I don't want to lie to her on the phone everyday she calls(my dad comes home very late and then tells me to tell her that he came home early) She is getting her residency renewed. My father, sister, and I are citizens. Oh yeah Dr. John, you said I shouldn't get involved, but knowing I can do something and not doing it is, I think, going to make me feel worse inside.

Vaporisas, I understand you feel you need to do something. I believe you feel you could "help" the situation. I further believe you think not doing something will make you feel worse than you do now. My advice is that you do something- for yourself. Make yourself feel better by talking about it. This forum is a fairly safe place to get your feelings out. However, I think a better place would be a direct conversation with someone that you can have a give and take conversation with. Perhaps you have a trusted teacher, a minister/ priest another family member you can converse with that will keep your conversations confidential. I certainly don't encourage you to lie for either parent, it's not your job. My earlier response was filled with "take care of yourself" messages. That's all you can really do. Nothing you say or do at this point is going to have much positive impact on this situation. I agree with some of the other posters that your mom probably knows your father better than you think. Especially if he has done this before, as you said. People are strange creatures that will only do something different when the "normal" things they are doing stop working. I repeat again, nothing you did caused this issue, and there is nothing you can do to fix it at this point. All you can do is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You admit to feeling bad inside as a result of taking this issue on as your responsibility. Give it back- it's not your responsibility. If I can be of help to YOU, I will be happy to lend an ear or a shoulder.