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Joke of The Day
Military Words Of Wisdom
1. Don't draw fire - it irritates the people around you - Advice to the new guy.
2. If the enermy is in range - so are you. Infantry Manual
3. Tracers work both ways". Army Ordinace Manual
4. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't volunteer for anything". US Navy
5. The only time you have too much fuel on board is when you are on fire.
6. Five second fuses last about 3 seconds. Infantry Manual
7. Nothing is so good for the moral of the troops than to occasionally see a dead general". Field Marshal Slim.
8. Friendly fire - isn't.
9. Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two of these are always necessary to successfully complete the misssion. Basic Flight Training Manual
10. If it's stupid but it works - it isn't stupid. Navy Ops Manual
11. Having lost sight of our objectives, we need to redouble our efforts.
12. Any ship can be a minesweeper - once. Navy Ops Manual
13. If you see a bomb technician running - try to keep up with him. Infantry Journal
14. Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate - the bombs always hit the ground.
US Air Force
15. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons. General MacArthur
16. A Purple Heart just proves you were smart enough to think of a plan, dumb enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
17. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you just bombed.
US Air Force Manual
18. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
19. A good battle plan that you act on today can be better than a perfect one tomorrow.
Gen George S. Patton
20. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Geneade is no longer our friend. USMC
21 Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club
22. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3 SR71 test pilot
23 We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction
24. Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
1. Don't draw fire - it irritates the people around you - Advice to the new guy.
2. If the enermy is in range - so are you. Infantry Manual
3. Tracers work both ways". Army Ordinace Manual
4. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't volunteer for anything". US Navy
5. The only time you have too much fuel on board is when you are on fire.
6. Five second fuses last about 3 seconds. Infantry Manual
7. Nothing is so good for the moral of the troops than to occasionally see a dead general". Field Marshal Slim.
8. Friendly fire - isn't.
9. Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two of these are always necessary to successfully complete the misssion. Basic Flight Training Manual
10. If it's stupid but it works - it isn't stupid. Navy Ops Manual
11. Having lost sight of our objectives, we need to redouble our efforts.
12. Any ship can be a minesweeper - once. Navy Ops Manual
13. If you see a bomb technician running - try to keep up with him. Infantry Journal
14. Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate - the bombs always hit the ground.
US Air Force
15. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons. General MacArthur
16. A Purple Heart just proves you were smart enough to think of a plan, dumb enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
17. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you just bombed.
US Air Force Manual
18. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
19. A good battle plan that you act on today can be better than a perfect one tomorrow.
Gen George S. Patton
20. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Geneade is no longer our friend. USMC
21 Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club
22. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3 SR71 test pilot
23 We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction
24. Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
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LEXOPHILIA - Ya Gotta Love It:
“Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words,
such as “you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
“To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see
who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
“Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words,
such as “you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
“To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see
who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
a redneck couple goes to the zoo. the guy feels like a big boss and tells his girl: "pick whatever animal you like - and we'll take it home", thinking a tiger would look great in the trailer. but she picks the skunk because black and white goes with everything.
the guy picks the skunk up and tells the girlfriend: "put him under your skirt and we'll just walk out of here."
"what about the smell?" she asks, and he replies: "if he dies, he dies."
the guy picks the skunk up and tells the girlfriend: "put him under your skirt and we'll just walk out of here."
"what about the smell?" she asks, and he replies: "if he dies, he dies."
Chiste Japonés
> En una tranquila ciudad de España vivía un reconocido torero llamado "El
> Curro".
> Muy cerca de su casa se mudó un japonés. Este, al verlo y reconocerlo,
> quiso saludarlo
> cordialmente, pero, claro, el japonés no pronunciaba bien la erre y su
> saludo quedo así:
>
> "Buen día, señol culo".
>
> El Curro, muy enojado, lo dejó pasar por alto, pero los días siguientes
> se repitió el hecho
> una y otra vez. El Curro, entonces, se compra dos perros asesinos y los
> entrena para atacar al japonés. Cuando el japonés se acerca a saludarlo,
> se los manda. El japonés advierte que los perros se le van encima, saca
> dos dagas de entre las ropas y se apronta para enfrentar
> a los perros.
>
> El Curro se da cuenta de que el japonés va cortar a los perros, pega un
> chiflido y los perros entran nuevamente a la casa.
>
> La situación se repite varios días hasta que, cansado, el japonés hace
> la denuncia en la comisaría.
>
> El comisario le pregunta: ¿Cuál es su problema?, y el japonés le dice:
> "Mile, señol comisalio, mi denuncia es polque los pelos del culo no me
> dejan caminal".
> El comisario vio que la cosa venía de joda, y le dijo: " Y bueno, amigo,
> córteselos".
> El japonés le responde: "Si eso es lo que quielo hacel, pelo cada vez
> que los voy a coltal, el culo chifla y los pelos se van pala adentlo."
> En una tranquila ciudad de España vivía un reconocido torero llamado "El
> Curro".
> Muy cerca de su casa se mudó un japonés. Este, al verlo y reconocerlo,
> quiso saludarlo
> cordialmente, pero, claro, el japonés no pronunciaba bien la erre y su
> saludo quedo así:
>
> "Buen día, señol culo".
>
> El Curro, muy enojado, lo dejó pasar por alto, pero los días siguientes
> se repitió el hecho
> una y otra vez. El Curro, entonces, se compra dos perros asesinos y los
> entrena para atacar al japonés. Cuando el japonés se acerca a saludarlo,
> se los manda. El japonés advierte que los perros se le van encima, saca
> dos dagas de entre las ropas y se apronta para enfrentar
> a los perros.
>
> El Curro se da cuenta de que el japonés va cortar a los perros, pega un
> chiflido y los perros entran nuevamente a la casa.
>
> La situación se repite varios días hasta que, cansado, el japonés hace
> la denuncia en la comisaría.
>
> El comisario le pregunta: ¿Cuál es su problema?, y el japonés le dice:
> "Mile, señol comisalio, mi denuncia es polque los pelos del culo no me
> dejan caminal".
> El comisario vio que la cosa venía de joda, y le dijo: " Y bueno, amigo,
> córteselos".
> El japonés le responde: "Si eso es lo que quielo hacel, pelo cada vez
> que los voy a coltal, el culo chifla y los pelos se van pala adentlo."
(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity.
_______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
(A) 45 lbs.
____________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
(A) 45 minutes.
_____________________________
(Q) How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(A) None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
_____________________________________
(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
______________________________________
(Q) Why are men and parking spaces alike?
(A) Because all the good ones are taken and the only
ones left are
disabled.
_________________________________________
(Q) Why do men want to marry virgins?
(A) They can't stand criticism.
______________________________________
(Q) Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good looking?
(A) Because those men already have boyfriends.
__________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
(A) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
(A) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.
________________________________________________
(Q) Why does the bride always wear white?
(A) Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the
stove
and refrigerator.
___________________________________________
(Q) A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
(A) The blonde, because she's 18.
_________________________________________________
(Q) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
(A) Ask your Mom.
__________________________________________
(Q) What is the quickest way to clear out a men's
restroom?
(A) Say, "Nice Dick."
_________________________
(Q) Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(A) Because they have cotton balls.
_______________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(A) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
(A) Are you sure it's mine?"
(Q) And what did the blonde say when the doctor told her
that she was
going to have twins?
(A) "But I only did it once."
_________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer
Nuts?
(A) Beer Nuts are under $1, and Deer Nuts are always
under a buck.
________________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
(A) A Ritz is a snack cracker, and a lesbian is a crack
snacker.
_______________________________________________
(Q) Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(A) Mace will do that to you.
_____________________________________________
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
____________________________________
(Q) What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the
other?
(A) A speech impediment.
__________________________________
(Q) Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(A) Breasts don't have eyes.
_________________________________
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around
saying "Yo."
_______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a
Northern zoo?
(A) A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
____________________________
(Q) What's the Cuban National Anthem?
(A) Row row row your boat.
______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern
fairytale?
(A) A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A
Southern fairytale
begins "'Y'all ain't
gonna believe this **** . ..
(A) Nudity.
_______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
(A) 45 lbs.
____________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
(A) 45 minutes.
_____________________________
(Q) How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(A) None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
_____________________________________
(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.
______________________________________
(Q) Why are men and parking spaces alike?
(A) Because all the good ones are taken and the only
ones left are
disabled.
_________________________________________
(Q) Why do men want to marry virgins?
(A) They can't stand criticism.
______________________________________
(Q) Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good looking?
(A) Because those men already have boyfriends.
__________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
(A) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
(A) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.
________________________________________________
(Q) Why does the bride always wear white?
(A) Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the
stove
and refrigerator.
___________________________________________
(Q) A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
(A) The blonde, because she's 18.
_________________________________________________
(Q) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
(A) Ask your Mom.
__________________________________________
(Q) What is the quickest way to clear out a men's
restroom?
(A) Say, "Nice Dick."
_________________________
(Q) Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(A) Because they have cotton balls.
_______________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(A) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
_________________________________________________
(Q) What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
(A) Are you sure it's mine?"
(Q) And what did the blonde say when the doctor told her
that she was
going to have twins?
(A) "But I only did it once."
_________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer
Nuts?
(A) Beer Nuts are under $1, and Deer Nuts are always
under a buck.
________________________________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
(A) A Ritz is a snack cracker, and a lesbian is a crack
snacker.
_______________________________________________
(Q) Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(A) Mace will do that to you.
_____________________________________________
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
____________________________________
(Q) What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the
other?
(A) A speech impediment.
__________________________________
(Q) Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(A) Breasts don't have eyes.
_________________________________
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around
saying "Yo."
_______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a
Northern zoo?
(A) A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
____________________________
(Q) What's the Cuban National Anthem?
(A) Row row row your boat.
______________________________
(Q) What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern
fairytale?
(A) A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A
Southern fairytale
begins "'Y'all ain't
gonna believe this **** . ..
Famous Quotes
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns