North American Love vs. Dominican Love..only my view

[marliejaneca]

Jan

Great post !
Hopefully, even if just one starry-eyed foreigner gets this message through her head, you have saved us from one more sob-tale !
I agree with you wholeheartedly that the Latin style of romantics is truly different from the Northern practices. I am sure you have all heard the Canadian joke about in what position Canadians make love on Saturday nights, shows a classic example on how romantic most Canadian men are !!!
I think your observation is right on the mark and I truly wish this will get through to some of the women who read it.
Marlie

 

[jdore]

Jan,

Great post. I think there is a large amount of confussion on this subject matter. Like someone said somwhere in this thread maybe the subject should be the use of the word love in the DR vs elsewhere. I have travelled throughout the world and found many cultures that object to phrases of affection in everyday conversations. When I was living in Minnissota, I would have never used love, honey or babe when talking to as in your example...a waitress, however, down in the south it is common place to speak to a woman that way both young or old married or single. In Austrailia, the word love is as common as saying hey guys. Often, I would great a woman by saying Gday love just as I would greet male with Gday mate (friend). After being married to a Dominicana for 18 years, maybe some of that openess to people has rubbed off. I greet all of her friends as mi amor and never confuse it with how I am to greet my wife (te quiero) or (quierida). Even the simpleness of meeting people in latin culture is more open than in the US. ie. embraces and kisses to the cheeks etc. In all of my years, the only time that someone got mad at me about the way I addressed them was an American woman living in Japan...she had assisted me with some paper work and when I stood to leave, I said thanks honey and she responded with anger saying her name was Debera and she was not my honey. I was just as shocked as you may have been when you heard mi amor used so frequently in the DR. As far as I'm concerned, I prefer the use of these types of affections...and as far as if they are heartfelt and real, I am sure that when it is the right person, you will be able to recognize the difference between a greeting with affection and the real one. Keep up the great post.

Jon

 

[AnnaC]

Keep in mind that words are cheap. A person's actions speak louder than words. Someone can say they love you a million times but if they don't stand behind one sentence of what they say then you know it's all BS and if you continually make excuses as to why they don't standby what they say, the Ball is in your court.

 

[Chris_NJ]

That is one of the best tests and exactly how I motivate my girlfriend - I tell her "you can talk sweetly all day but I want you to show me with your actions." I know she actually loves me but you would be surprised of how much she will accomplish if I challenge her like that.

 

[Jan]

OOHHH!!
Just got my first not nice email from a DR1er! I've always wanted one of those. I was so jealous cause everyone else got one and I never did! Now I really feel like I'm part of the gang.

Thanks Wayne!!Bless your little heart!

 

[May]

...pick out the pearls of wisdom from among all the "BullShit"! Take the above post.He may be right!!! When a man falls in love it is REAL!!! Look what he says! We men have to put up with all her "Baggage"! Especially in the DR,where that "Baggage" includes her children,parents,and extended family with all their problems,financial and otherwise!!!

What does the woman have to "Put Up" with??? "Nada"!Men have no "baggage"! She gets a house,car,money,child care and maintenance,medical care,and on and on! What does she bring to the table???? A pretty face? A great body?Great in bed??? I can get you 50 "Hookers" by 5 pm today that can give all that,and "A bag of Chips"TOO!

Guys, I thought women were the ones that were bitter, but I hear a lot of bitterness here. You are all sooo wrong. It's funny.

It is my personal opinion that MEN do not know how to love. I am a very giving and passionate woman. I recently left my "joke' of a marriage. It was "I" who gave and brought everything to the relationship. It was "I" who was the educated one with the bigger bank account. I fell in love with love and not money.

Women are the one that are always looking for the romantic dinner, the conversation, the easier and simpler things in a loving relationship (at least I do), while men seem to be concentrated on one thing and one thing only, "a pretty face"... "great body"... and "great in bed." The funny thing is that I think I possess all three. But you know what? The minute you guys see something better, your current candy is no longer tasteful. Your own insecurities keep you looking for the next young candy to conquer to satisfy your need to prove you are still a man, and your inate need to catch your hunt... always going for the hunt.

So there are GOOD WOMEN left.. as I'm sure there are still GOOD MEN left.. but I will not hold my breath trying to locate one. and as long as you are out there looking for the hookers, us common women not selling our bodies will be left to our own lonely existence.

 

[Talldrink]

'Acting' and the confused.

Keep in mind that words are cheap. A person's actions speak louder than words. Someone can say they love you a million times but if they don't stand behind one sentence of what they say then you know it's all BS and if you continually make excuses as to why they don't standby what they say, the Ball is in your court.

Anna, thats another problem, in DR they say they love you and ACT like they really do for those 5 mins. if a foreigner gets this treatment, they can get confused.

 

[Nelly]

In Canada we call them players. You will find them hanging out at the hot clubs in town, chatting up the ladies. More than half of them are married, but they'd never tell you. If you fall for their charm and take them home, they will ask for your number and say they will call you. But they don't. It is just a game. This is not some inexplicable phenomenon limited to Dominican men. I think what happens is that a lot of woman when they go on vacation, are much more social and care free. At home they don't go out much, and they don't see that it is pretty much the same every where there is drinking and dancing, or a party like atmosphere. A lot of men will pursue sexual conquests, and will say and do just about anything to get it. I have even heard "oh my god i'm in love with this girl" from Canadian guys, in jest of course. Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on. I just think that we view the Dominican people through a fish bowl sometimes. They do have a unique and wonderful culture as a whole but each and every person is an individual with different attributes, characteristics and agendas.

 

[bob saunders]

Guys, I thought women were the ones that were bitter, but I hear a lot of bitterness here. You are all sooo wrong. It's funny.

Why is it funny and why are they wrong. Remember that people(men or women) are giving their opinions based on their experiences and observation of friends, relatives...etc. It is probably true what you say about men(many) wanting a new conquest...etc. It is also true that many women are only interested inwhat a man can provide materially. Most of us north american guys can remember during high school the star athelete or the guy with the hot car got the hot girls, where as the nice guy that had nothing got nothing. I'm glad i had both a job and a car in high school. Dominican women also think this way.
Thank god there were and are women that can see past the flash and see the true worth of a fellow.
No bitterness May, just the facts.

 

[May]

Bob, I guess by using the term "wrong," I may be displaying a "I'm right; you're wrong" attitude. I apologize if that's how my message was interpreted. everyone is entitled to an opinion; and each opinion is worth something.

I do agree it's a personal experience and opinion, which why I have enjoyed reading the posts on this message board. But I think a personal experience being generalized to all women is not the correct thing to do. It's like a woman saying "all men are pigs," when, of course, there are great men out there.

Just as you state your high school memories, and while there is some truth that we live in a society where women often discredit themselves by turning to men for money rather than love, there are women who do genuinely LOVE (which was the message in the original thread), and give themselves fully in a relationship.

I remember dating the ugliest men. I am a fairly goodlooking woman. I do get plenty of stares and remarks when I walk down the street, yet I have never chose a man based on his looks, material possessions, or social status.

The whole point is that everything in life cannot be generalized.
I heard Dominican men will cheat on me; they love to run around with different women and all sorts of things. But I don't think that I will let my actions when I meet men in the D.R. be prejudiced by these "myths". Let's not generalize, Guys..

 

[Jan]

Glad some of you got the point of this post ..I don't think everyone got it.

Many Dominican people ( in general) will tell you what you want to hear. I believe that most of the time they mean what they say...for that moment. But remember, in this culture most live for today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Now is now. You need to understand the meaning of ahora, ahorita. Now and later. Which both could mean never!

Once you understand these things then you start to understand the people here and you can live here much more comfortably. Can't change them and why would you want to. When living in thier world you don't have a choice, either understand their ways or go crazy!!

 

[Forbeca]

Glad some of you got the point of this post ..I don't think everyone got it.

Many Dominican people ( in general) will tell you what you want to hear. I believe that most of the time they mean what they say...for that moment. But remember, in this culture most live for today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Now is now. You need to understand the meaning of ahora, ahorita. Now and later. Which both could mean never!

Once you understand these things then you start to understand the people here and you can live here much more comfortably. Can't change them and why would you want to. When living in thier world you don't have a choice, either understand their ways or go crazy!!

See, I still don't get your point Jan. Most people will tell you what you want to hear: That is not strictly a DR trait. I tell people what they want to hear all day long (it's gotten me very far in my career BTW), yes I know, we're in the rat race, hence, we're all rats. And as far as romance is concerned, a gringo will say anything to get an unwilling girl in his bed. I grew up in America and I'm not that old, I remember the dating game very well.

What people need to remember is that Dominicans are in dire need of american dollars, and so these guys are not always sincere. But my point is, women should know how to handle these guys, because we've been confronted with deceitful males since our teenage years. They always want something from us, whether is American $s, our bodies, our cars, etc. we as women need to be aware of this.

I can't give you this one Jan. I think you're wrong.

 

[AnnaC]

Forbeca the problem is that some people leave their brain at home when they vacation.

 

[Forbeca]

Well then let's put the blame where it goes

My two cents anyway.

 

[Talldrink]

Jan, jump in any time...

What I gathered from the original post was almost a warning for newcomers to the DR. How they will hear people in DR tell them what they want to hear and promise them love and so forth and for them not to believe it.

This is very true in DR and I agree with Jan that the word LOVE is thrown around too much and they act like they mean it so good that some may even believe them.

 

[Forbeca]

Ok I'm going to try this again....

I am not disagreeing about dominicans using the word "love" loosely or that they are very good at getting women to believe them etc. what I don't understand is how is this a dominican issue? Most people who are trying to deceive someone will be convincing. It is up to the buyer to beware, that sort of thing.

Perhaps is the title of the topic that threw me off. I just feel the blame should be put on the stupid women who fall for all the B/S and are looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

[AnnaC]

Jan has gone to the galaria but I was talking (writing to her) on MSN messenger and I asked her the reason for this thread.

Talldrink guessed it right it's kind of a warning about the being charmed when you get to the DR and that te quiero or mi amor is used so easily. Just look at the threads we've had in the last couple of days. You have to wonder what planet some of these people come from.
I often think it's sock puppets stirring a little excitement around here and many times we have discovered that's the case. I mean can some of these people be for real?

There is this thread which kind of explains things but people are human and will never listen.

And I do not want all Dominicans and resort workers to be put in the same basket because it's just not fair. Takes two to tango.

 

[Don Juancito]

Dr

i had a professor who said about 80 percent of the children were illegitimate. i do not know where he got the data from but his grew up there. i dont know if such data even exists.

there seems to be a lack of responsibility to take care of ones cildren (fathers9 AND lack of responsibility in preventing pregnancy.

there is no shortage of men and women there seeking a way out.

relationshiops often begin with sex quickly rather than the protracted dating thing.


there was/is a lot of casual sex. even married dom women approached me as do married dom men approach other women.

 

[rmary]

My experience in this issue is very limited, so please bear this in mind in my comments. I'm not sure if they are relevent at this point as they are "free flowing" but take them for what they are worth.

Last February, I had the opportunity to stay in Cabarete for a week by myself. This was immediately after I had spent a week at the same hotel with my husband and another couple, so the animation staff knew I was married (besides the ring on my finger). Amost immediately after my husband and friends had left, I was "accosted" by one of the animation staff. I had never given him even a second glance, let alone an indication that I was "interested". Yes, I got all of the "mi amore" despite the fact that I am 42 years old and was about 50 lbs. over weight.

The things that ran through my mind was that, "do you (my animation staff "friend") even think, in your wildest dreams, that you can give my the kind of life the my husband gives me?" I don't think so. Besides, I don't think you have a snowballs chance in hell being a better lover than my husband is. So give it up. Well, kept it up for the rest of the week, and I must admit that I did flirt with him. It was a bit of an "ego lift" but in reality, I knew damn well he had no interest in me at all. No harm, no foul.

When I got home, I told my husband all about it (a little guiltily because I had gotten some pleaxure at the attention). He asked me if he (the animation worker) had insulted me, I said he took a few liberities, but nothing that I could not deal with. He then asked me if he had "amused me". I thought about it for a bit and said "yes". My husband resonded, "that's okay, then."

Let's keep it in perspective, ladies. I'm certainly not saying that you cannot find happiness and love in the DR. I'm just saying that you have to be careful

 

[Isabel]

I wished that I would have known 2 years ago.....

Two years ago I went on a mission trip to the DR. I was in Paraiso, Barahona. What a beautiful area! (btw, I'm from Kansas City, don't know if that makes a difference...)

I met this Dominicano, I thought he was the greatest, we would talk for hours, go on long walks, listen to music, and swim. Well at the end of my stay...he said that he wanted to continue to communicate with me, to stay in touch.

We talked about once a week until I returned last summer when he proposed to me. Almost everyday, he would ask me to marry him. I said yes, but that I wanted my parents' blessing. I'm still working on this part, but have put it on hold for the past couple of months.

Shortly before Christmas he started missing phone call dates, we would set up a time and day for talking, at least once a week. I am beginning to understand that the word "committment" doesn't have a meaning in Dominican Culture.

In the last few weeks the communication, well, I'll be honest...sucks... I've told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and to let me know. I email more with his Priest than I do him. I've gotten to know every member of his family better than I know him...or at least it seems like it. The last time we talked it took 3 calls to actually speak with him. He was all apologetic, saying that he loved me, etc....I told him that I could not say it back because I wasn't sure how I was feeling at the time. I'm still thinking, haven't called him since, just because he's never there when I call.

I did email him, but I haven't gotten any kind of a response, go figure.


So, I am now understanding the cultural differences and wonder if he will ever change or if I am the one that needs to change, or cut my losses and move on.

Sorry for the long post, guess I just needed to take a load off my heart/chest. Thanks for reading.