not all that glitters is gold

[AlterEgo]

Do not Judge all Dominican men by what you read in this forum. I know some that worked right after they got here and I know some that are right now holding two jobs.

Yes there are some that didn't turn out but let's not put the same blanket on all Dominican men

Thank you for saying that Anna. I know many very good Dominican men. There are bad apples in every ethnic group......

 

[donP]

Fruit of the Loom

There are tons of great, finacially stable men in Canada.
Shop at home!

Yes, but then when you do you see those ads with some Caribbean man posing for underwear.
Can you blame the shopper for wanting the garment WITH the Caribbean....

 

[Thandie]

Do not Judge all Dominican men by what you read in this forum. I know some that worked right after they got here and I know some that are right now holding two jobs.

Yes there are some that didn't turn out but let's not put the same blanket on all Dominican men

Anna,
I never once judged ALL Dominican men, would never do that! I personally know many sweet Dominican men who are hard workers, great providers and would NEVER want or ask their women to take care of them financially! That is not the culture in the DR.
My Dominican godchilds father is a wonderful, hard working husband who pays for everything for his wife and child! He takes 'great' pride in that.
My Dominican ex boyfriend would never allow me to pay for my half, much less his, when we went out. He would be ashamed. Having lived in the DR, that was the norm with my Dominican girlfriends. So I know this behaviour is NOT typical in the DR, in male/female relationships!
I know teenagers in the DR who find the time to work for peanuts I might add and pay for their OWN English lessons and college...why cant a grown man? That was my point!

Women who dont follow 'HB 3 Rules' are taking a big risk and the odds are against them.

 

[Thandie]

No need to import them... they are already here lol

Yes, but then when you do you see those ads with some Caribbean man posing for underwear.
Can you blame the shopper for wanting the garment WITH the Caribbean....

LOL! Yes for that they can still shop at home, less hassle, no need to assist with Visas and much easier. In my book dating and love should be easy. But hey I dont do dating drama.
There are MANY sexy Caribbean men, especially in Toronto. This week I was on a boat cruise with too much Caribbean male eye candy
I think I have a cavity in my eye LOL
And this weekend in Toronto is Caribana (Caribbean culture street festival)
Over 1 million people, the largest street festival in North America.
A weekend of easy shopping LOL.
There is no shortage of sexy Caribbean men (or women) in Toronto.
No need to import the bad ones LOL!

 

[Vintage]

first off i did not support him he worked.
i only paid for the english lessons

and secondly not all men cheat, there are some who do not.
it doesnt matter if your in another country
marriage is a commitment.
you dont expect someone to cheat.
when your newly married

as far as jerry springer
this sort of thing is foreign to me
my life seemed like the jerry springer show thats all i meant.
i guess it depends how you are raised
someone going to church who prays and says all the things you long to hear
you just dont expect them to cheat yah know.

 

[Vintage]

also just to briefly mention i was there 8 times that year and spent two months several times living with him so i did not know this was happenning

 

[Thandie]

Well Vintage, not to get into a discussion of what support is......whats done is done.
You obviously did not know him as well as you thought you did. He is here, you cant send him home, you see divorce. You are responsible for him for 3 years and you need to move on, for yourself.
So.......
What lessons have you learned from this? So you never repeat this kind of mistake in your life again.
What would you have done differently?
Like you didnt live with him for at least 6 months straight before getting married, like many have recommended here.
Not truly understanding the realities and difficulties of a long distance relationship.
Not understanding the culture of the DR.
Not following HB 3 Rules, etc.

Maybe sharing will help other women who have met a guy who.... 'says all the things you long to hear' snap back into reality.

 

[simpson Homer]

One side of the story and of course he is the worse men in earth, a sanky, scam, useless, trash, lier, actor, etc...

Just one side!!

 

[Thandie]

and secondly not all men cheat, there are some who do not.
it doesnt matter if your in another country
marriage is a commitment.
you dont expect someone to cheat.
when your newly married

Yes some men dont cheat...and as the saying goes because they have not had the opportunity yet LOL
You are being naive when you say 'it doesnt matter if your in another country', if this man is use to having sex on a very regular basis...yes it does matter to him.
Men need sex!
Of course distance can affect a newly married couple who dont have the foundation that only arrives after many years of marriage. The point of being married is being together the majority of the time, especially in the beginning.
You also dont expect a newly married couple to be living in different countries, so your situation is not the norm.

BTW what did your friends and family say about you marrying him?
Or what are they saying now?

 

[Thandie]

One side of the story and of course he is the worse men in earth, a sanky, scam, useless, trash, lier, actor, etc...

Just one side!!

Simpson, I agree, there are always 2 sides to the story.
No one is a victim in these situations.
Things rarely just happen to adults. We make choices and then after if one does not like the consequences, are quick to lay the entire blame on someone else, not wanting to look in the mirror to see what part we played in the creating the problem. Only to repeat the same mistake again in the future.
What you dont acknowledge, you cant change.

 

[AnnaC]

Like you didnt live with him for at least 6 months straight before getting married, like many have recommended here.

And how in world is living together guarantee that a man will never cheat there or once he immigrates? And not going against HB's rules BUT, a visa to where and what kind of visa? There's more to the world than the US. If someone has a visa or a green card to the US fat chance of getting PR in Canada .

 

[Thandie]

And how in world is living together guarantee that a man will never cheat there or once he immigrates? And not going against HB's rules BUT, a visa to where and what kind of visa? There's more to the world than the US. If someone has a visa or a green card to the US fat chance of getting PR in Canada .

I never said living together for 6 months guarantees a man will never cheat.
But you definately will get to know and see more about him, than short honeymoon vacations, as the OP now realizes.

This situation is beyond a cheating spouse.
A man who has his wife pay for his English lessons and then never takes the much needed English lessons, since he is moving to an English speaking country and needs it to find a job to provide for his family..... speaks to his level of common sense, committment, intelligence, responsibilty and character.

I know some try to discredit HB 3 Rules, but I dont. And of course there are exceptions....but we are talking about the general rule.
I think the point about the Visa Rule, regardless of where to in the world, is you know the man/woman has other options beyond you, to leave the country.
You are not their only way out of the DR. They dont NEED to latch on to you to leave. So at least you know they are not telling you everything you ever wanted to hear, because they are desperate to get out of the country.

 

[dalila05]

can i mention that not everyone is desperate to leave their country and sometimes the sacrifice they made by starting a new life is very hard.
are we superior because our passeport?
since the humanity put those barrers between human being and country,can we stop to think that an american/european passeport is the key of hapiness!

 

[Thandie]

Of course not 'everyone' is desperate to leave their country. Thats obvious.
But it is 'only normal' to want to travel and see and experience other places.
Even if you are from a developed country.
As my friend who lives in Bermuda says...Living on an island is great, if you have the money to leave the island when you want.

It is only normal for humans to want to raise their standard of living.

Of course there are NO superior nationalities, no one is implying that. But it cant be denied that passports from certain nations, are more valuable and desirable than others.
If even only for convenience. I can travel to almost anywhere in the world, tomorrow, without needing to go to an embassy to apply for a visa or hassled by immigration.
Why because I am lucky to live in one of the richest countries in the world and not considered high risk to not return to my country.
My passport gives me freedoms and opportunities that others are literally willing to risk their life and limb for, much less marriage fraud. I could sell my Canadian passport in minutes! Other passports cant be given away.

I know of Canadian immigrants who went back to their home country to live. But when they are planning to have a baby, they make sure that baby is born in Canada so that child will have the golden ticket...a Canadian birth certificate and passport.

 

[drloca]

It is only normal for humans to want to raise their standard of living.

QUOTE]

I dont think it is a fair assumption that everyone in DR or those who leave, are living in squalor or in any sub-standard conditions.

 

[Thandie]

It is only normal for humans to want to raise their standard of living.

QUOTE]

I dont think it is a fair assumption that everyone in DR or those who leave, are living in squalor or in any sub-standard conditions.

Never said that either. I know a Dominican couple (and others) who came to Canada (had enough 'money and education' to not need someone to sponsor them) and they were upper middle class or higher in the DR. Money was not their motivation to leave. They purchased a place in one of the most exclusive areas in Toronto. They wanted a different lifestyle and quality of life, because they were unhappy how their country is being run, they were fed up and wanted a change. They are VERY happy in Toronto!

My life is far from poverty and squalor. I am blessed to live in a beautiful place and neighbourhood.
But I still want to raise my standard of living. Who does not want more financial freedom, more luxuries, a nicer car or house, etc.
The lottery corporation banks on that human desire!
Heck I want Oprahs lifestyle lol
That is only normal to want the most out of life and the best life possible, whether you are a Dominican, Canadian, etc..

 

[drloca]

Never said that either. I know a Dominican couple (and others) who came to Canada (had enough 'money and education' to not need someone to sponsor them) and they were upper middle class or higher in the DR. Money was not their motivation to leave. They purchased a place in one of the most exclusive areas in Toronto. They wanted a different lifestyle and quality of life, because they were unhappy how their country is being run, they were fed up and wanted a change. They are VERY happy in Toronto!

My life is far from poverty and squalor. I am blessed to live in a beautiful place and neighbourhood.
But I still want to raise my standard of living. Who does not want more financial freedom, more luxuries, a nicer car or house, etc.
The lottery corporation banks on that human desire!
Heck I want Oprahs lifestyle lol
That is only normal to want the most out of life and the best life possible, whether you are a Dominican, Canadian, etc..

Well funny you mention that...I think people in Canada are not happy because ALL they are driven by is material things.

I too own a lovely home...really never need to upgrade or change my vehicle for as long as it runs.
Most importantly, I think of the future, not surrounding myself with a bunch of worthless "possessions".

So I guess it would depend on definition of a "better life".

 

[tink23]

Well funny you mention that...I think people in Canada are not happy because ALL they are driven by is material things.

I too own a lovely home...really never need to upgrade or change my vehicle for as long as it runs.
Most importantly, I think of the future, not surrounding myself with a bunch of worthless "possessions".

So I guess it would depend on definition of a "better life".

Thousands of Canadians, if not millions live the way you just described your self as living. Just like many Dominicans do the same. Just because people are from a very prosperous country like Canada does not mean that all people are driven by material things.

 

[AnnaC]

Just because people are from a very prosperous country like Canada does not mean that all people are driven by material things.

Or even Happy :cheeky:

 

[Thandie]

Well funny you mention that...I think people in Canada are not happy because ALL they are driven by is material things.

I too own a lovely home...really never need to upgrade or change my vehicle for as long as it runs.
Most importantly, I think of the future, not surrounding myself with a bunch of worthless "possessions".

So I guess it would depend on definition of a "better life".

It is easy to say that when you have the money to afford a 'lovely' home and a comfortable life.
I grew up poor and trust me I did not like it. Poverty is depressing and stressful. You have less personal freedom and choice. Have a shorter life span than richer people. It motivated me to work hard and strive to be as far away from the poverty line as possible.

The 'they are so happy and they have so much less than us' is a myth.
I see many unhappy Dominicans just like elsewhere.

Money is not important is a bigger myth!
The #1 reason for marriage failure is FINANCIAL PROBLEMS! People fight over money more than sex or their kids.
That is why HB rules make perfect sense to me!

I know many happy Canadians (me included) who have material things... (nothing wrong with material things like the computers we are using) but dont make their material possessions their life.

Oprah with her billion$$$ and all her material things looks damn happy to me LOL, and her great wealth allows her to help many people who need it!

I agree things dont make you happy. But you can be happy and have material things.
As someone once said...'I have been rich and I have been poor,money does not make me happy but I prefer to drive up to my problems in style' lol

***Anyways going back to the OP hopefully she and others can learn from her situation. DONT RUSH INTO MARRIAGE! Take head, ask questions even if you dont really want to hear the answers.... and dont get dragged into a fairytale world cause someone says all the right words. Words are easy but actions speak louder.
Concentrate on their actions, that will tell you the truth.

If you are working hard, making sacrifices to make frequent visits to the DR to be with him and for the wedding,
filling out and 'paying' for, with your hard earned money his immigration papers and going through that long and difficult process,
making preparations so he is comfortable when he arrives, etc..
AND should be working just as hard...

He says he loves you but is not committed enough to do something simple like putting in the study time and hard work to improve his English, so you both will have a better life, even though you are 'nice' enough to pay for the lessons? Well that speaks volumes! And over the months you talk to him and you dont hear much improvement and dont figure something is up? That should have been a Big Red Flag!
Him calling you 'mente', 'mi amor' and whispering sweet nothings in your ear with his sexy Spanish accent should never erase common sense and your womans intuition!
Who wants their life to be a Jerry Springer episode?

I truly hope the OP learns from this, grows, and moves on.