Re: Behavior differences between Dominicans & Amer
Natasha,
Bravo! Well said.
I think it's worth repeating what you said at the top: be upfront and discuss the cultural differences. I have known my wife (Dominican) for 16 years and been married to her for 14, and firmly believe it is our ability to recognize and discuss how we approach the same thing or issue from different cultural starting points that has enabled to stay together.
In our case, the differences emerged long before the wedding in a 1,000 different ways. Most I won't go into here, since I'd catch h*ll for it later (I consider them funny stories; she considers it airing dirty laundry in public). But for example, I took her to meet the relatives -- my brother, sister, and parents. She also wanted me to meet the relatives -- just the 40 or so aunts, uncles and cousins (1st, 2nd, 3rd) living in and around NYC. Or in planning the wedding, she asked who would be the padrinos of the wedding. I gave her a blank look, since we don't have godparents just for the wedding ceremony back from Midwest USA. Or the way the Dominicans at the wedding reception spent hours admiring and taking photos of that wedding cake, as if it was as important or more important than the bride and groom. [The same happens with birthday cakes, by the way -- it spends hours untouched, being admired and photographed.]
And don't get me started about spaghetti with everything mixed together or people dropping by your home at 10 PM without calling beforehand and expecting to stay and chat.
) But these are things you accept when you go to live in the DR.
I smiled when I read in your message about the virgin over the doorway (as in every home I've lived in since getting married! Do you also draw tiny blue crosses over the windows and doorways?), the candles in the sinks (usually with a portrait or photo nearby), the "bendicion" greetings. Of course these are staples in our home, and every Dominican home I know as well.
I'm not so sure the remark about knowing the neighbors is as true as it used to be in the DR, and I've always been convinced that the "my neighbor is a stranger" syndrome that so many say pervades the US is really more a function of WHERE one lives and how much effort one puts into meeting and knowing the neighbors. My wife used to complain about how the neighbors were not friendly and social enough when we first lived in Alexandria VA. Then when we moved to Santo Domingo in 1995 she was shocked to discover that our Virginia neighbors had been VERY sociable by comparison to our new SD neighbors. No Dominican neighbor greeted us in our first few days (as they did in VA), none let us become close enough to them (although we tried to meet them) that we'd end up watching their house for them when they were on vacation or vise versa (as neighbors did in VA), or drive us to a clinic when we were sick (as they did in VA), and none EVER invited us over for dinner (as many did in VA), and I rather suspect that none would invite us to stay with them next time we visited SD (as our neighbors in VA did, repeatedly).
Now, I'm not saying that either group is representative of their country as a whole -- for example, I lived in a very cold and unsocialable apt building in NYC once, and I know firsthand that my wife's childhood neighborhood (San Carlos) is quite mutually-supportive.
I guess I'm just trying to reinforce your point about being cautious about broad generalizations. Better to sit down with your friend, spouse or mate and discuss openly the different perspectives. And just as importantly, avoid getting defensive or engaging in a "what's best" or "what's rational" debate. That leads nowhere and usually simply shuts down the dialogue, often in acrimony. Always remember that what may not make sense to you may make perfect sense to someone else from another sociocultural context.
Regards,
Keith