the Gods will smile down upon you. you are a better person than most. i hope this turns out well for all involved.
- Thread starter NALs
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Understanding Troubled Dominican Children
the Gods will smile down upon you. you are a better person than most. i hope this turns out well for all involved.
And these facts were news to you?
You never heard this before, or could intellectually imagine these consequences.
I could take you for a walk on the North Coast and show you the semi abandoned children.
Children of illiterate mothers who's only income is prostitution.
Children with a minimum of scholastic future and an absence of guidance from the family.
Just because they are fed and clothed and often watched over by grandma, mother or sisters, does not mean they are well taken care of.
I think you are of Dominican decent.
If so, you should be well aware of all this and not feign surprise.
I would say that most Dominican children are abandoned. In middle class areas most, not all children are raised by maids or grandmothers. Mom is too busy doing other things. When parents are involved it is by spoiling them materially instead of helping them grow and develop educationally and spiritually.
What happens in poorer areas is ghastly and heart breaking. I am so glad that we are raising our family outside of this putrid environment.
What happens in poorer areas is ghastly and heart breaking. I am so glad that we are raising our family outside of this putrid environment.
Most heartbreaking thing I saw during my last vacation during a busy local baseball game there were like 4 kids maybe 10 years old, but def. not older than 12. One of them had a half empty rum bottle in his hand drinking ocassionaly, he was already drunk as he was staggering. I looked around to see people's reaction but nobody at this busy game bothered to do anything. I dont wanna know what this will do to his poor little brain
There is ABSOLUTELY no comparison to a middle class child who receives an education and eat everyday whether is cared by a ninera (which by the way many children in the western world could be described this way, if you replace maid by daycare and babysitter) to a child who has to worry about his next meal whose often abused both physically and emotionally from an early age.
In any case, Matilda, you have my utmost respect and admiration.
I've been thinking about this since last night. I've read some very GOOD posts. I agree that ADD may be well worth investigating. ADHD does not appear to be his problem. But he may have other issues and only a qualified person with months/years of analyzing can determine. You don't have the time. See if he has ADD first and try the best treatment recommended.
Baby steps! I know that this term is used over and over. But it can help when you Pick Ur Battles and not try a full on assault on all fronts.
Find and easy one or two that you think ??? you can win. A simple something that you and him can work on. Little by little with you and HIM working on. Adjust to the other stuff and put it aside. Make this one/two goals the target and use a lot of praise but ask HIM to help and how he might help a little more. This takes time and is a big commitment. When he gives up... then wait awhile ??? and start again.
I think that withholding normal food or living items is not a good idea. But you seem to have given him a lot of upscale stuff? Phone/puter/internet/tv? Did I read that right? I would not take his food hoard away but perhaps some other things that he didn't have before. He may act out when you do but those are his new goals to get them back. He wants to watch TV then he does it in the living room with the family as a group.
I tried lots of just about everything with mine. It was very hard.... really very hard. Not everything works at first but being consistent is important and sometimes you adjust what you are doing or...you try something else. Repeat over and over and over.
Keep as simple as you can with baby steps.
Baby steps! I know that this term is used over and over. But it can help when you Pick Ur Battles and not try a full on assault on all fronts.
Find and easy one or two that you think ??? you can win. A simple something that you and him can work on. Little by little with you and HIM working on. Adjust to the other stuff and put it aside. Make this one/two goals the target and use a lot of praise but ask HIM to help and how he might help a little more. This takes time and is a big commitment. When he gives up... then wait awhile ??? and start again.
I think that withholding normal food or living items is not a good idea. But you seem to have given him a lot of upscale stuff? Phone/puter/internet/tv? Did I read that right? I would not take his food hoard away but perhaps some other things that he didn't have before. He may act out when you do but those are his new goals to get them back. He wants to watch TV then he does it in the living room with the family as a group.
I tried lots of just about everything with mine. It was very hard.... really very hard. Not everything works at first but being consistent is important and sometimes you adjust what you are doing or...you try something else. Repeat over and over and over.
Keep as simple as you can with baby steps.
He has no phone, just a tablet and access to a tv in the lounge upstairs. I watch English tv downstairs when I finish work for the day and he watches Spanish TV upstairs. We don't tend to do family TV as I am not into cartoons or soap operas and he and my husband not into cooking programs! He definitely has some form of ADD and things have to be explained very carefully and slowly with all elements covered, then he has to repeat them back to make sure he understands. I asked him to go and buy me a pot of peanuts and was describing exactly what colour the lid was, what the pot looked like, what would be written on it, and I got "I know, I know" and he came back with peanut butter. Having said that my husband never listens to me either so maybe they all have it. He loves helping me to cook, and makes pizzas from scratch including the dough and the sauce and can remember all of the ingredients - but not to flush the toilet? He also makes bread, garlic mayonnaise all from scratch so cooking is something I will keep on with. I think he enjoys the achievement and the pride when people praise him for his cooking. He makes cup cakes for the neighbours as well - all from scratch. With the helping issue he knows that if he helps without being asked - sees something needs cleaning or mending, then he has a financial reward, so that is also working albeit slowly.
Thanks again for all your tips and advice.
Matilda
Thanks again for all your tips and advice.
Matilda
Nice post Matilda. Sounds like you have a good handle on some things that make getting better work. Cooking. (Big smile on my face.) So don't clean the toilet and see how long it takes him to notice. ??? lol (hopefully you have your own that you can lock him out of.)
Sent you a PM.
They will if we all take time out of our busy lives to just help them a little bit. I am not talking money but encouragement, teaching, talking, listening. sitting and reading a book with them. Half an hour of everyone's time a day could help change a child's life. As Dr Solar says - baby steps.
Matilda
Not where I live. Its like animals raising animals. I see beatings, under age prostitution (catering to much older Dominican men) and adolescent drug abuse daily. No matter how you cut it, most of these kids are screwed up.
all you say is true but there are many children out there that when given a little positive encouragement, a hug, a smile,...etc it makes a world of difference to them. I know that for some of our children the school is like a refuge and even the tough love my wife gives some of them is appreciated.
I also believe in trying to be a support to those that are trying to what they can to help just one child. As you and Matilda have pointed out; it takes a lot of giving and everything that goes with it to help just one child or a few children.
We can not help everyone and no good comes of condemning the masses.
I'd much rather try to be a supporter to those that do or at least try. Sometimes just listening and sharing with some approval can make a world of difference to that caregiver.
It's a vicious cycle. People who hurt hurt others. Until the cycle is broken, things will never change.
All the love and good intentions isn't going to solve the problems this lad has. He's going to need professional counseling at some point, the sooner the better. Children cannot articulate their feelings because they do not have the adequate emotional and intellectual vocabulary for proper articulation. This is why many troubled youths act out, even when placed in a situation where they no longer are threatened, abused, or otherwise ill-treated.
Don't try to take this on by yourself. It is very common for children (and adults) who have grown up in dysfunctional situations to consider attempts at nurturing as a sign of weakness by the caregiver, leading to counter-intuitive feelings of resentment, exactly the opposite of what should take place.
Also, do not get into any sort of armchair psychological analysis with anyone on the internet. You need professionals who know the field of childhood psychological development to help sort things out.
Supporting the caregiver.
I agree and suggested much of the same either here or in PMs to Matilda. I can only support her with similar experience. Lying, stealing, no following thru, being lazy and not doing what is expected or even considered normal.
Having gone thru this with a very angry and aggressive son that was on booze and drugs took a lot of resources to diagnose and TRIED to help. After weeks of seeing a psychiatrist, it was suggested that he be hospitalized. He took apart a State facility with controlled and secured doors and got away by pulling a fire alarm. The police advised me (warned me?) and I told them to look around the nearest liquor store and they found him passed out. Next step was a private facility in Utah after we finally got insurance to pay $100K per year but we still had lots of out of pocket.
He had been living with a mother that was a religious fanatic and I very seldom saw him and his brother over many years until his mother/my X told us that she didn't want him anymore. That's enough detail on that from over 35 years ago.
We don't know if a qualified expert is anywhere near Matilda. School, church, hospital or center. So me/you advising to get the boy counseling may be well intended but may not be practical. I'll bet that Matilda has been burning up Google looking for advice. As long as some progress is made, baby steps it may be. If emotional changes occur and a tendency for violence emerges that changes the situation, then this is Matilda and her husbands (good man I think) task ?? and only they can call the shots.
I maintain that just supporting here, talking with good ideas and compassion is a way to help all of them.
Ty.
I agree and suggested much of the same either here or in PMs to Matilda. I can only support her with similar experience. Lying, stealing, no following thru, being lazy and not doing what is expected or even considered normal.
Having gone thru this with a very angry and aggressive son that was on booze and drugs took a lot of resources to diagnose and TRIED to help. After weeks of seeing a psychiatrist, it was suggested that he be hospitalized. He took apart a State facility with controlled and secured doors and got away by pulling a fire alarm. The police advised me (warned me?) and I told them to look around the nearest liquor store and they found him passed out. Next step was a private facility in Utah after we finally got insurance to pay $100K per year but we still had lots of out of pocket.
He had been living with a mother that was a religious fanatic and I very seldom saw him and his brother over many years until his mother/my X told us that she didn't want him anymore. That's enough detail on that from over 35 years ago.
We don't know if a qualified expert is anywhere near Matilda. School, church, hospital or center. So me/you advising to get the boy counseling may be well intended but may not be practical. I'll bet that Matilda has been burning up Google looking for advice. As long as some progress is made, baby steps it may be. If emotional changes occur and a tendency for violence emerges that changes the situation, then this is Matilda and her husbands (good man I think) task ?? and only they can call the shots.
I maintain that just supporting here, talking with good ideas and compassion is a way to help all of them.
Ty.
There is no one near us and although the public education system is supposed to have a child psychiatrist in each district it appears that there is not one. I know nothing about psychiatry but what I believe is that this is not a one off fix. He would need regular visits and I am afraid that is not logically or financially possible when you live in the middle of nowhere with limited access to public transport. We just do the best we can with Dr. google and this thread has been invaluable with advice from those who have been there, done that. Talking with people who have gone through similar issues in the US, with access to the best psychiatrists, drugs, hospitals they have all told me the same. Waste of time and in the end they have had to ask the child to move out or he has been jailed or whatever. Admittedly a small sample. We just do the best we can and fingers crossed it might work - got to give it a chance. Luckily there are no drugs here in the mountains and he has no access to alcohol so that might help.
Matilda
Matilda
Matilda, i have nothing but admiration for your efforts to make life worthwhile for one of the less fortunates in our midst. for your sake, i hope he does not go completely haywire one day, and compromise your safety.