- Thread starter Vintage
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not all that glitters is gold
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I don't think you're being fair to the OP. Is she really supposed to be gauging his level of English month by month?
When we fall in love we don't see things the same, we aren't as cynical, because being cynical isn't very loving.
Vintage, I'm sorry that this is happening to you, don't beat yourself up. Maybe if you look back there were some signs that your marriage wasn't perfect, but no marriages are. I hope you take the course of action that works best for you. Making a mistake doesn't mean you were stupid, it just means you made a mistake.
When we fall in love we don't see things the same, we aren't as cynical, because being cynical isn't very loving.
Vintage, I'm sorry that this is happening to you, don't beat yourself up. Maybe if you look back there were some signs that your marriage wasn't perfect, but no marriages are. I hope you take the course of action that works best for you. Making a mistake doesn't mean you were stupid, it just means you made a mistake.
Being fair and kind to someone is telling them the truth, even if it is not what they want to hear.... so they dont stay in a state of victimhood and repeat the same mistakes again. I am glad she shared her story because it might save another person from the same fate. I am not into pity parties. The faster she snaps back into reality the faster she will get over this and move on. No one is calling her stupid. She is unhappy, angry, said her marriage was a lie and he is still calling his Dominican girlfriend. This is not about 'no marriage is perfect' excuse.
Answer to your 1st question, yes! When a guy really likes and respects you he will jump over the moon for you. She should have paid attention to the amount of effort he was putting into learning English, this was an important duty of his, maybe the most important and she knows this. Thats why she even agreed to pay for it!!!!
If he was studying hard that would have spoke to his level of commitment and dedication to the relationship and his work ethic.
As her LOVING husband he was supposed to follow through and live up to his committment, because his level of English or lack of it would greatly affect his job search, his transition into Canadian life and the quality of their life together....
This is the problem that many women have...they have no standards for the men in their life. Yes you should know, by his actions if he is hardworking, respectful, a good provider for you and your kids, etc. before you decide to marry him.
Being cynical is not being loving? Fall in love? I dont understand that!
I am realistic, that is different than being cynical.
I dont 'fall in lust' or fantasy or what some people think is real 'love'. I know the difference between lust and true love.
Thandie, I'll tell you a little secret, this coming from an old lady that has been around the block a few times. 
Continually telling a person that is down that they should have done this and that or obeyed some rules has never helped anyone. Saying that a sad story will help others never helps anyone either. Just because "someone had a bad experience has nada to do with my relationship". How could it? Love is blind so don't be so harsh on others because you can be in the same mess someday. Rules or no rules, it's easier to judge others and look at yourself. No one is perfect. We all have flaws and are only human.
Have a little sympathy and maybe some day you'll find some when you need it most.
To tell you the truth you sound like a guy. How do I know you're not?)
Continually telling a person that is down that they should have done this and that or obeyed some rules has never helped anyone. Saying that a sad story will help others never helps anyone either. Just because "someone had a bad experience has nada to do with my relationship". How could it? Love is blind so don't be so harsh on others because you can be in the same mess someday. Rules or no rules, it's easier to judge others and look at yourself. No one is perfect. We all have flaws and are only human.Have a little sympathy and maybe some day you'll find some when you need it most.
To tell you the truth you sound like a guy. How do I know you're not?
)Thandie, I'll tell you a little secret, this coming from an old lady that has been around the block a few times.
Have a little sympathy and maybe some day you'll find some when you need it most.
To tell you the truth you sound like a guy. How do I know you're not?
Sing it sister! haha
Thandie, I'll tell you a little secret, this coming from an old lady that has been around the block a few times.
Have a little sympathy and maybe some day you'll find some when you need it most.
To tell you the truth you sound like a guy. How do I know you're not?
We will have to agree to disagree on the sad story part. Thankfully I have stayed clear (like others I know) of many bad situations because my mother raised me to learn from other peoples mistake. She would always say 'life is too short to make all of lifes mistakes on your own, learn from other peoples mistakes', and the ever popular Jamaican saying 'he who does not 'hear' must 'feel' ' lol.
But you are correct I may come off as being 'harsh' to those who dont know me, because my pet peeve is women who put up with crap treatment from men, and then play the it was all his fault. I am lucky my dad was a good teacher and role modelled healthy relationships to me, so it is just normal to me to have healthy, no drama relationships. I am friendly with all my ex's.
All my girlfriends know I dont mince words when it comes to this topic, but they know I will be honest, have good advice and often thank me for the much needed slap up the head, because they know its coming from a place of love and concern. lol
But Anna, your point is taken.
My girlfriends say that to me all the time when it comes to relationships
...that I sound/think like a guy LOL
Anna, I take that as a compliment.
I dont believe love is blind!
My girlfriend just told me that as she was reading a relationship book by a male author called 'Think Like a Man, Act Like a Woman' she said the advice reminded her so much of me that she thought I could have written it. lol
hi everyone for any-one who doesnt know me im Vintage
i got married to a dominican in the end of 2007 dec 29 to be exact
my husband finally came here in nov of 2008.
i was so exited.
i truly believed i had a one of a kind man.
he treated me like gold.
i truly thought we were in love
wowwwwwwwwwww
god was i stupid.
anyhow i found out that my husband had a girlfriend when i met him in jan of 2007
he had the girlfriend the whole time
he married me in dec 2007 and he still had the girlfriend
he married me i came back to canada in jan 2008 and he still had the girlfriend until he came here in nov 2008
he told me it was only for sex
i want to kill him
then there was another girl , this is the topper
i met a girl in july of 07. she was an interpretour and an english teacher
i paid her 50 a month to teach him english
he was also getting into her panties as well
i paid her and she didnt even give him oneeeeeeeeeeeeee english lesson
he would be at her house when i called and he would profess his love and tell me i never leave his mente
oops pardon me
i only left his mind when he was in her bed
this whole thing makes me sick
i feel like i was extorted with me paying her
oh the girlfriend also had a husband
so thy would steal away in the afternoon for a lil hanky panky
needless to say im on the war path
i have no respect for him
and there is mucho trouble in paradise
beware of these men ,not all but just beware.
i am a smart woman and i was duped beyond belief
i see divorce im done
Not knowing exactly what he said when he told you this, but maybe he was being honest... "it was only sex" because sex is a bodily need like hunger in some cultures. :/ It's a different culture and a lot of young people think that way all around the world... the temporary f'buddy. I guess that's why you're "Vintage." Personally I think a fine vintage wine is better than plonk any day. But some people are just looking for a buzz. **sigh**
If it is over, then you have to try to change your thinking and detach yourself from him so that you can move on. If you have an Employee Assistant Plan, set up an appointment with a counselor and they will help you through this by giving you strategies to deal with the anger, sadness, anger, sadness etc. and move to acceptance as soon as possible. If not, there are plenty of books out there in the relationship section of the bookstores.
Now is the time to reactivate your social life and get busy, take a course or something in September.thats right, relax
this thread is not about you or your beliefs, too many posts and too often... i guess you could open your own thread... or better blog, so that there is no outside interference
this thread is not about you or your beliefs, too many posts and too often... i guess you could open your own thread... or better blog, so that there is no outside interference
Vintage, Thanks for being brave enough to tell your story....especially when you are right in the middle of it.
Women should be supportive of each other when things like this happen.
It doesnt matter what Vintage should have or could have done. Her husband tricked her, he lied & he cheated. No wife....no matter what type of courtship they had before marriage....thinks their husband would do things like this. If that was the case, they wouldnt have gotten married.
It also doesnt matter how long they dated, how much time they spent together in the DR or any of those things. Its all too late for that now. Tough love wont change anything and her experiences now are enough to put her on guard for the rest of her life.
Whats done is done and she is here writing her story and looking for support from us.
Wishing you the best Vintage!
Sangria
Women should be supportive of each other when things like this happen.
It doesnt matter what Vintage should have or could have done. Her husband tricked her, he lied & he cheated. No wife....no matter what type of courtship they had before marriage....thinks their husband would do things like this. If that was the case, they wouldnt have gotten married.
It also doesnt matter how long they dated, how much time they spent together in the DR or any of those things. Its all too late for that now. Tough love wont change anything and her experiences now are enough to put her on guard for the rest of her life.
Whats done is done and she is here writing her story and looking for support from us.
Wishing you the best Vintage!
Sangria
This post by Vintage should be a "Sticky" and obligatory reading for any person (male or female) getting involved with any person from this country that does not have a tourist visa to either the European Union or the United States.
Even then, there are cultural factors, like 'machismo', that do not wear off during the journey north...
Someone posted, quite brilliantly, that when it comes to a VISA, there ARE NO RULES,
This is ingrained from the time they learn about what a visa is...
Therefore, anything goes!!
Cordially,
HB
Even then, there are cultural factors, like 'machismo', that do not wear off during the journey north...
Someone posted, quite brilliantly, that when it comes to a VISA, there ARE NO RULES,
This is ingrained from the time they learn about what a visa is...
Therefore, anything goes!!
Cordially,
HB
What does that prove exactly? I know a Dominican that has residency in Germany but still has to go through the long long process of maybe a year to get residency to Canada. Does that mean that they will live happily ever after?
Life is a crap shoot, this having a visa or not having one doesn't mean a thing because there are plenty of great people that immigrated. Saying a person is not worth your time because they hold no visa to the world isn't fair to hard working honest people.
Marriages don't work out even with people from your own country and culture. Mine didn't. I obeyed my parents, married same culture, same religion, he was already in Canada by his own accord blah blah blah, we both had a 10 bucks in the bank, we both had grade 5 education :laugh: and that didn't work out either.
Yes there are wicked people in the world but having a visa does not make them the perfect catch nor is it a guarantee that marriage will work out
.As soon as Vintage posted i thought uh oh ... in reading this site for many months before joining and now having joined, people certainly don't mince words, but that's what this forum is for.
Relationships are work to make them happy, we all know this. If someone is a cheater, then they are just that, visa or no. Vintage's husband has never left the DR. I'm sure to him Canada and the realization of living with Vintage was so far away in his mind that he wasn't thinking straight. How can you picture the realization of something you do not know. You simply can't.
Vintage's husband made a huge huge mistake, and she doesn't deserve it. She has to make a choice now.
Vintage is sitting here with a broken heart, feelings of betrayal and feelings of defeat. By not supporting her, we are just hurting her more. This is a stepping stone for Vintage, a lesson learned, and hopefully a step toward increasing her self esteem.
HUGS Vintage! This too shall pass!
Relationships are work to make them happy, we all know this. If someone is a cheater, then they are just that, visa or no. Vintage's husband has never left the DR. I'm sure to him Canada and the realization of living with Vintage was so far away in his mind that he wasn't thinking straight. How can you picture the realization of something you do not know. You simply can't.
Vintage's husband made a huge huge mistake, and she doesn't deserve it. She has to make a choice now.
Vintage is sitting here with a broken heart, feelings of betrayal and feelings of defeat. By not supporting her, we are just hurting her more. This is a stepping stone for Vintage, a lesson learned, and hopefully a step toward increasing her self esteem.
HUGS Vintage! This too shall pass!
I agree with you completely...
IMO, whether the person has a Visa or five cents in their pocket there's not much difference. If the individual is not a genuine person in the relationship a Visa won't change that. His/ her true colours will show eventually.
I nominate your post in the pool of best posts in 2009. Anna, I have stayed out this forum for three years because relationships can't be summarized and lumped together as a science. People may have similar experiences and we can sometimes leverage off of and learn from other people's fortune and misfortune. However, since we are all separate individuals with different life experiences, what works for one person may not work for others. What works in my relationship may be a foreign concept to my sisters', my friends', my own parents etc. Successful relationships require much patience and hard, HARD work and even so there are still no guarantees. Being realistic and taking one step at a time does help though.
The common element in these ones that have seemed to have failed are extreme cultural gaps and a language barrier. When people can communicate effectively there's difficulty and stress much less when one can't speak English or Spanish. It is unfortunate that people find themselves in these situations however, I do believe that most entered into the relationship with the intent of making it work, even with clear odds against them and I don't see anything wrong with that. The key aspect is how they will manage in their next relationship based on what they experienced and learned from the previous one(s). Since I am firmly pro relationships etc. I don't blame anyone for at least trying once. Ridicule and negative critique are not necessary or even helpful.
-Marianopolita.
IMO, whether the person has a Visa or five cents in their pocket there's not much difference. If the individual is not a genuine person in the relationship a Visa won't change that. His/ her true colours will show eventually.
I nominate your post in the pool of best posts in 2009. Anna, I have stayed out this forum for three years because relationships can't be summarized and lumped together as a science. People may have similar experiences and we can sometimes leverage off of and learn from other people's fortune and misfortune. However, since we are all separate individuals with different life experiences, what works for one person may not work for others. What works in my relationship may be a foreign concept to my sisters', my friends', my own parents etc. Successful relationships require much patience and hard, HARD work and even so there are still no guarantees. Being realistic and taking one step at a time does help though.
The common element in these ones that have seemed to have failed are extreme cultural gaps and a language barrier. When people can communicate effectively there's difficulty and stress much less when one can't speak English or Spanish. It is unfortunate that people find themselves in these situations however, I do believe that most entered into the relationship with the intent of making it work, even with clear odds against them and I don't see anything wrong with that. The key aspect is how they will manage in their next relationship based on what they experienced and learned from the previous one(s). Since I am firmly pro relationships etc. I don't blame anyone for at least trying once. Ridicule and negative critique are not necessary or even helpful.
-Marianopolita.
What does that prove exactly? I know a Dominican that has residency in Germany but still has to go through the long long process of maybe a year to get residency to Canada. Does that mean that they will live happily ever after?
Life is a crap shoot, this having a visa or not having one doesn't mean a thing because there are plenty of great people that immigrated. Saying a person is not worth your time because they hold no visa to the world isn't fair to hard working honest people.
Marriages don't work out even with people from your own country and culture. Mine didn't. I obeyed my parents, married same culture, same religion, he was already in Canada by his own accord blah blah blah, we both had a 10 bucks in the bank, we both had grade 5 education :laugh: and that didn't work out either.
Yes there are wicked people in the world but having a visa does not make them the perfect catch nor is it a guarantee that marriage will work out
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What does that prove exactly? I know a Dominican that has residency in Germany but still has to go through the long long process of maybe a year to get residency to Canada. Does that mean that they will live happily ever after?
Life is a crap shoot, this having a visa or not having one doesn't mean a thing because there are plenty of great people that immigrated. Saying a person is not worth your time because they hold no visa to the world isn't fair to hard working honest people.
Marriages don't work out even with people from your own country and culture. Mine didn't. I obeyed my parents, married same culture, same religion, he was already in Canada by his own accord blah blah blah, we both had a 10 bucks in the bank, we both had grade 5 education :laugh: and that didn't work out either.
Yes there are wicked people in the world but having a visa does not make them the perfect catch nor is it a guarantee that marriage will work out
perfectly say!!!
hb rules make no sense at all.
whenever someone does have any issue with a relationship in this forum,its always the same people reacting in such negative way instead of giving a genuine support!
hey nobody got the keys of the succes!
also i have been told in mp,that my husband is a rat,that is not guarantee if i will be with him in 5 years or what type of mother i will be for my unborn child.
just because i gave an opinion on relationship.
so pathetic!
hey nobody got the keys of the succes!
also i have been told in mp,that my husband is a rat,that is not guarantee if i will be with him in 5 years or what type of mother i will be for my unborn child.
just because i gave an opinion on relationship.
so pathetic!
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