Met my husband here and need some advice

[the gorgon]

Well the lot of us bemoan a bunch here on dr1, no ? It doesnt mean we dont like it here in the dr ( or we wouldnt be here, would we ? ), it just means we want the best of both worlds ( even though we wont get it ).

To the OP, you could ask your husband why he is unhappy ( or if he is unhappy ). You may have diffrent goals in life.

He is from the Dominican Republic, he was not fleeing famine or war or persecution, he was just looking for better economic opportunities.
Clearly, a successful dominican migrant is someone that will come back to his home island when he is 30 or 40, having made enough $, €, £, or yuans to live life in a relative comfort ( and/or open a small buisness ), and lie back and enjoy life.
I say that as I understood from your post that it was not you who brought him there ( wherever there is ), so I guess you met him in your home country.

And yes, some things in the dominican culture may seem selfish to us westerners, but, in my opinion, it is because they have a sans-souci outlook on life. And values are diffrent, life is lived in the present. ( whereas in the western world we plan years ahead, ie, savings, university for the kids, pay a house over decades, etc.......)
Bear in mind that there are things we may do that seem selfish to dominicans.

i wish there were more people like you who could make observations that made sense.

 

[malko]

I overlooked the children aspect of your post. Now, I dont have any kids, so I can only observe my inlaws and aquaintances.
Dominican men, apart from the rare exception ( and yes, i know, we will have a dozen posts saying how you all know perfect dominican fathers, yadayadayda ), DO NOT BEHAVE how we expect fathers to behave in the west.
The mother will be expected to educate, feed, show love and care, bathe, etc...... the children with the few pesos that the father will give her ( after his rum ration, his cock-fighting bets, and his 1 or 2 sideshows ).
Ok, so thats caricatural...... but not so far off from the truth.
I never see fathers playing, reading, eating, etc...with their children ( i just hate how everyone will just eat in their corner, at whatever time, in a household).

Recomposed families are the norm rather than the exception. How else would every one be related to,each other to some degree ?
Adultery is widespread and accepted. Back home if you cheat on your wife, your own family will chase you away ( my wife loves that about my parents, btw ), here in the dr, the guy will be applauded by all.

Put it this way, in the dr, men are teenagers until they turn 40 or killed in a motocycle acccident ( hey, maybe thats why love it here ? )

In this aspect dominicans are much closer to north-africans than to westeners : the boy is king.
So obviously grows up with that sense of entitlement.

Those kind of deep potential issues are the kind that need settling ( if possible, carved in stone ) before marriage.

 

[the gorgon]

I overlooked the children aspect of your post. Now, I dont have any kids, so I can only observe my inlaws and aquaintances.
Dominican men, apart from the rare exception ( and yes, i know, we will have a dozen posts saying how you all know perfect dominican fathers, yadayadayda ), DO NOT BEHAVE how we expect fathers to behave in the west.
The mother will be expected to educate, feed, show love and care, bathe, etc...... the children with the few pesos that the father will give her ( after his rum ration, his cock-fighting bets, and his 1 or 2 sideshows ).
Ok, so thats caricatural...... but not so far off from the truth.
I never see fathers playing, reading, eating, etc...with their children ( i just hate how everyone will just eat in their corner, at whatever time, in a household).

Recomposed families are the norm rather than the exception. How else would every one be related to,each other to some degree ?
Adultery is widespread and accepted. Back home if you cheat on your wife, your own family will chase you away ( my wife loves that about my parents, btw ), here in the dr, the guy will be applauded by all.

Put it this way, in the dr, men are teenagers until they turn 40 or killed in a motocycle acccident ( hey, maybe thats why love it here ? )

In this aspect dominicans are much closer to north-africans than to westeners : the boy is king.
So obviously grows up with that sense of entitlement.

Those kind of deep potential issues are the kind that need settling ( if possible, carved in stone ) before marriage.

i would love to sit with you one day and shoot the breeze. i love it where you made mention of what i call ''protracted adolescence''....the propensity to be a child into one's middle age. i always wondered if that is what explains the attraction grown men have to 14 year old schoolgirls...mental symmetry.

 

[CristoRey]

So been married with my husband 6 years and things are very difficult.

I've been watching a lot of CNN lately while enjoying the holiday season. Now with that in mind,
I hope I don't offend any of the PC Snowflakes who post on here regularly by asking the OP....
Are you a man or a women?

 

[Auryn]

OP-if you actually return to your post to find the wisdom that has been shared- great. Pay particular attention to Matilda's posts. She wrote the book, the sequel, the entire series and has a bloody website on this exact subject(DR sisterhood).

Various people will criticize you for marrying him in the first place, but read post #14 again. Some very sage advice is given there and...you are not the only one.

 

[cavok]

actually, it is not just Europeans who were prepared to assimilate. i know numerous people who were in my class at high school, who left after graduation, and headed to the USA. a few of my classmates actually went to Vietnam, and two of them died there. to me, that is committment enough.

what is being lost in these observations is that not everybody wants to go to America. we hear the repetitive anecdotes of all these sankies who hook up with homely matrons in order to get a green card. there are also people who do not want to go to America. not everybody is enthralled with the ''freedom'' and ''way of life''. some people see a foreign partner as a way out of poverty, but would much rather that said person would move to the DR, and get a house there in a nice neighborhood, and buy a car. they are not thrilled with the idea of leaving their country.

I know. I just mentioned the major immigrant groups that came to the US. Immigrants from all over the world came to the US during that period.

The US is not everybody's cup of tea. Those that really don't want to come, shouldn't.

 

[cavok]

Well the lot of us bemoan a bunch here on dr1, no ? It doesnt mean we dont like it here in the dr ( or we wouldnt be here, would we ? ), it just means we want the best of both worlds ( even though we wont get it ).

To the OP, you could ask your husband why he is unhappy ( or if he is unhappy ). You may have diffrent goals in life.

He is from the Dominican Republic, he was not fleeing famine or war or persecution, he was just looking for better economic opportunities.
Clearly, a successful dominican migrant is someone that will come back to his home island when he is 30 or 40, having made enough $, €, £, or yuans to live life in a relative comfort ( and/or open a small buisness ), and lie back and enjoy life.
I say that as I understood from your post that it was not you who brought him there ( wherever there is ), so I guess you met him in your home country.

And yes, some things in the dominican culture may seem selfish to us westerners, but, in my opinion, it is because they have a sans-souci outlook on life. And values are diffrent, life is lived in the present. ( whereas in the western world we plan years ahead, ie, savings, university for the kids, pay a house over decades, etc.......)
Bear in mind that there are things we may do that seem selfish to dominicans.

A successful immigrant is one that goes to their chosen country, goes on to be a successful and productive citizen, and stays there - not return to his home country where he can flaunt his relative wealth amoung his poorer friends and relatives.

 

[Buffness]

Your first post to DR1 .....I think that, if you are in fact real, you would be better seeking advice from those that know you & him - not a Dominican Forum. Your post seems like click bait

Yes , so true. One.Done and Gone .

 

[mofongoloco]

Yes , so true. One.Done and Gone .

yeah. for sure. and that name. serenity DP. hehehe.

 

[Serenitydp]

and he hid all this from you before you married him? you mean he sprung his assholery on you suddenly one brisk autumn evening?

Basically yes. He was fine with my family functions before we got married

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[Serenitydp]

Your first post to DR1 is to post about a Dominican you took to your country (I assume) and are now disillusioned. I think that, if you are in fact real, you would be better seeking advice from those that know you & him - not a Dominican Forum. Your post seems like click bait

No I didnt take him here. He was already here 3 years when I met him.

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[Serenitydp]

To speak to other women married to Dominicans who face similar problems when the Dominican goes to live with them in their home country, I suggest you join a Facebook group specifically for foreigners married to Dominicans.

British: UK Dominican Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/492074790913129/
American: American Spouses of Dominican men https://www.facebook.com/groups/112999559327349/
All nationalities - mainly Canadian and American: Dominicano Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/DominicanoSpouses/

You will find the advise, empathy and understanding somewhat more helpful than you have received to date here.

Matilda

Thank you. But I didn't bring hin here. He was already here 3 years when I met him

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[Serenitydp]

now there is a helpful suggestion. i do nor predict too many sympathetic responses in this forum..

I did not bring him here. Sorry i didnt specify in my post

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[Serenitydp]

I can tell fro what you said that now is the time to start planning for a divorce. Protect your assests. The longer you postpone the inevitable, the longer you will be miserable.

"Men marry women hoping they will never change - but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change - but they don't".

He wasn't like this. This is why I married him. And I didnt take him here he was already here

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[Serenitydp]

If the man is not ready to cut ties to DR then he has to go. You can send your mom some money but hanging on to and romanticizing life in a backwards country will get you nowhere.

How many Dominicans cant get money together for a down payment on a house but travel twice a year to show off to their loser relatives ?

How many Dominicans dont learn English properly and dont integrate and instead hang out with fellow losers ?

I have limited connections with Dominicans in the US outside of some family, most successful immigrants move on and leave the 3rd world behind where it belongs.

He has been here since 2008. And i met him here i didnt bring him. This is what I told him. Go to where your heart is.

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[Serenitydp]

actually, it is not just Europeans who were prepared to assimilate. i know numerous people who were in my class at high school, who left after graduation, and headed to the USA. a few of my classmates actually went to Vietnam, and two of them died there. to me, that is committment enough.

what is being lost in these observations is that not everybody wants to go to America. we hear the repetitive anecdotes of all these sankies who hook up with homely matrons in order to get a green card. there are also people who do not want to go to America. not everybody is enthralled with the ''freedom'' and ''way of life''. some people see a foreign partner as a way out of poverty, but would much rather that said person would move to the DR, and get a house there in a nice neighborhood, and buy a car. they are not thrilled with the idea of leaving their country.

Yes but then when he split from his wife in 2009 then he should have went back. If he is so unhappy here

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[Serenitydp]

Well the lot of us bemoan a bunch here on dr1, no ? It doesnt mean we dont like it here in the dr ( or we wouldnt be here, would we ? ), it just means we want the best of both worlds ( even though we wont get it ).

To the OP, you could ask your husband why he is unhappy ( or if he is unhappy ). You may have diffrent goals in life.

He is from the Dominican Republic, he was not fleeing famine or war or persecution, he was just looking for better economic opportunities.
Clearly, a successful dominican migrant is someone that will come back to his home island when he is 30 or 40, having made enough $, €, £, or yuans to live life in a relative comfort ( and/or open a small buisness ), and lie back and enjoy life.
I say that as I understood from your post that it was not you who brought him there ( wherever there is ), so I guess you met him in your home country.

And yes, some things in the dominican culture may seem selfish to us westerners, but, in my opinion, it is because they have a sans-souci outlook on life. And values are diffrent, life is lived in the present. ( whereas in the western world we plan years ahead, ie, savings, university for the kids, pay a house over decades, etc.......)
Bear in mind that there are things we may do that seem selfish to dominicans.

Canada is where we are. We have a house here etc. We have land in the DR. And what he tells me is that he never wanted to leave but his girl at the time proposed and he decided to try it

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[Serenitydp]

I overlooked the children aspect of your post. Now, I dont have any kids, so I can only observe my inlaws and aquaintances.
Dominican men, apart from the rare exception ( and yes, i know, we will have a dozen posts saying how you all know perfect dominican fathers, yadayadayda ), DO NOT BEHAVE how we expect fathers to behave in the west.
The mother will be expected to educate, feed, show love and care, bathe, etc...... the children with the few pesos that the father will give her ( after his rum ration, his cock-fighting bets, and his 1 or 2 sideshows ).
Ok, so thats caricatural...... but not so far off from the truth.
I never see fathers playing, reading, eating, etc...with their children ( i just hate how everyone will just eat in their corner, at whatever time, in a household).

Recomposed families are the norm rather than the exception. How else would every one be related to,each other to some degree ?
Adultery is widespread and accepted. Back home if you cheat on your wife, your own family will chase you away ( my wife loves that about my parents, btw ), here in the dr, the guy will be applauded by all.

Put it this way, in the dr, men are teenagers until they turn 40 or killed in a motocycle acccident ( hey, maybe thats why love it here ? )

In this aspect dominicans are much closer to north-africans than to westeners : the boy is king.
So obviously grows up with that sense of entitlement.

Those kind of deep potential issues are the kind that need settling ( if possible, carved in stone ) before marriage.

Yes if he was honest at the beginning about his ways then great but he told me he was amazing with his,step kids. Would take them to school play with them etc. He treats his nephews better then his own flesh n blood. I have stuck by him through thick and thin. He had his first kid with a Dominican also in canada and she actually had him scared. It wasnt until he met me that i told him she can't call cops on you just because you are at the same place etc. We spent over 30K getting sole custody of his daughter. Maybe I made him to comfortable. I am European and men in the past were very much like the DR men with raising kids etc but my dad was hands on.

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[Serenitydp]

Yes , so true. One.Done and Gone .

He has no friends here anymore as they were his baby mamas friends as well and she is a psycho Dominican. So I dont appreciate your post. And as you know family is family so last time I tried to have them help it made it worse

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[Serenitydp]

yeah. for sure. and that name. serenity DP. hehehe.

Dp are my initials by the way not what you think. But there goes the 14 year old boy in you.

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